Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The top 5 laziest people on TV

Welcome to the inaugural can't be stuffed list here at Almigo's Adventures - Aka those who cannot give a fig, those who won't do anything, the incredibly lazy aka we're not sure why you're even on this TV taking up space to begin with. I've been watching a lot of random TV recently and the list of those taking up needless space is really starting to form itself...

Close approximation of my place


I bet someone else mined that...
Todd runs the mining operation at Gold Rush as the head honcho for the main amateur mining team. However aside from the occasional pep talk, stroking of his beard and grumbling about every thing that goes wrong (which is a constant on the show and usually is from a decision he's made) that's about all he does. As knowledgeable of gold mining as I am of the ins and outs of reconstructive knee surgery, he's the first one to rally the team around a desperate situation but the last to actually roll up the sleeves and get down to work. Even his 800 year old father (Jack) spends more time working because Todd is too busy driving 1000 miles to pick up something else he's forgotten/ replace something broken from another bad decision. As stubborn as a brick wall and yet as optimistic as most lottery hopefuls, somehow he's managed to stretch one bad idea into a reoccurring series, dragging so many desperate men down with him.
This is the guy that hired Dorsey in Season One (the real estate agent everyone wanted to punch out within 5 minutes of conversation), the man who forgot to lodge important files to actually do some mining in another season (you know, that license to mine type of thing) and the same guy that swore the latest piece of equipment would easily get him 1000 ounces of gold - the same equipment that was 9 weeks late, ate it's own motor on day one and then spontaneously tore itself to pieces with nary a piece of shiny rock to be seen.
In the latest season he had two claims but thanks to some amazingly expensive bad decisions, is currently just mining one. Well everyone else is mining, Todd's too busy pushing poo up hill convincing his investor that all of his bad ideas are secretly money winners.

ASHLEY GOLD - Hardcore Pawn

My brother is such an idiot...
If you ask Ashley herself what her job entails, she'd probably explain that it involves running the store, the economy and that she even makes sure the earth continues to spin on its axis daily thanks to her. Our TV reality is that she's far to busy whinging, bitching and carrying on about how much of an idiot her brother is to actually help turn a profit.
Driven in by a car powered by whinging, her day starts with a peck on the cheek of her father, a death glare to her brother and completely and utter hatred of anyone who walks into the store and/or gives her something to do. On the times when you do see her behind the counter, things never go well as she can cause an argument quicker than you can ask 'Hey Ash, what do you think of Seth?'. In all fairness some of the clientele are as dodgy as a Dodge with 3 wheels but it doesn't help when she couldn't give an inch in negotiations if you paid her top dollar and has as much sympathy as a brick with acid for blood.
An expert on everything (just ask her) including how much of an idiot her brother is (no need to ask her, she'll tell you) and the pawn business (she's been practically running the store since she was 4 minutes old apparently) she will happily tell everyone what to do while throwing massive hissy fits if you forget something as earth shattering as her birthday or make her move from her desk.
Did she mention her brother is an idiot?

DARREL SHEETS - Storage Wars

Where is the big boy table?

Maybe it's the calm before the meek mild storm but recently Darrel has been turning up to Storage Auctions, standing around for a bit making inane comments to his son and generally leaving with nothing. Which in a show about actually buying the contents of storage lockers, doesn't really amount to much entertaining screen time. However secretly I believe the reason why the producers love having him on the show is because his mere presence sends waves of hate through fellow locker buyer Dave Hester. And anything that irks the lord of Yuuuuuuuup has to be a good thing. If the show was called 'Piss on Hester' then Darrel would be putting it overtime daily, but sadly for him it isn't.
He's currently teaching the ropes of locker buying to his son and after that five minutes he's annoying everyone who turns up with talk about how he's going to buy the big one...if idiots like Dave didn't decide to stick their fat fingers into it.
Another expert on everything (just ask him), he has a truck that could quite happily fit another truck the back of it with room for a house yet rarely seems to put anything in it for the last few episodes. He also believes Brandon his son has the mental capacity of a 6 year old as he constantly refers to the poor kid having the chance to eat at the 'big boy table' (which is obviously hidden in a storage locker Darryl hasn't bidded on yet).
Take a punter Gambler!

CHUMLEE - Pawn Stars


Can you believe that Chumlee earns the equivalent of average priced new car every episode? Yep, as he stands around absorbing all the stupid out of the air, his bank account goes up by $25000 US at the end of it - which is terrific money when you look like you were installed in the shop to just to collect dust. With a name copied from the walrus sidekick of Tennessee Tuxedo (yeah I don't know who either), Chumlee is known as the stores Village Idiot and is often seen testing things, providing receipts, sucking air and collecting tattoos. Chumlee's experienced in all things pinball related which is a terrific boon if the customers come in with a pinball machine to sell but not so useful when trying to find the worth of a civil war era musket rifle or the other assorted crap that filters through the door.
Still for everything he does (or in this case doesn't do) he's still one village idiot laughing all the way to the bank (provided someone points him in the right direction to find it first)



I'll probably put a few manicured noses out of joint and some sparkly g bangers in a twist with this one but the lazy girls on the show will be too lazy to write in and complain so my point is valid (and I say most, I have met a couple of quite clever ones who really hammed it up for the camera). Basically to end up as a beauty on this show you have to:

a) Be cute
b) Be as dumb as a bag of rocks (or at least make it look like you are)
c) Don't do much else

You know those cute girls in the club that are as bright as blackboard but every guy in the place is buying them drinks in the hope of getting them pants-less? That's Beauty from Beauty and the Geek material right there. Yes sir. Yes occasionally you might have to run in your high heels but someone will point the way so you don't get lost and occasionally a smart question will get thrown your way but it'd be better if you completely fluffed up the answer, bat your lashes and then giggle a lot. For some of you that will be a typical weekday.
It's like a beacon for those whose highest aspiration was to be a really good looking nail technician.

And to hammer home my point, can anyone name a beauty that went on to bigger and better (notable) things? I await your flood of messages...


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