Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Hero of Hospitality applies at the Hilton

I've just received a completely unexpected and unwanted email about possible job opportunities at the Hilton hotel.

No no, the other Hilton..
While it's more of a scam than things to do with money and pyramids, I feel it's my civic duty to reply back and point out how blindingly awesome I would be in such a role...



So this was the enticing offer:

WORKERS ARE URGENTLY NEEDED IN FIVE STAR HOTEL IN LONDON,

ACCOMMODATION AND FLIGHT TICKET TO LONDON WILL BE PROVIDED,

VACANCY FOR CLEANERS,GARDENERS, STEWARDS, WAITERS, DRIVERS,

BAR ATTENDANTS, PLUMBERS,P.R. MANAGERS, I.T. PROFESSIONALS,

STORE KEEPERS, COMPUTER OPERATORS, SOFTWARE ENGINEERS, NETWORK,
ENGINEERS, FOOD AND BEVERAGE EXPERT,BACK OFFICE AND FRONT OFFICE,

EXECUTIVES, OFFICE ASSISTANTS,MEDICAL AND HEALTH OFFICERS,

BEAUTICIANS, NUTRITIONISTS,ROOM ATTENDANTS, LANGUAGE TRANSLATORS,

WATCHMEN, RECEPTIONISTS, CLERKS, TOUR GUARDS, ENGINEERS,
COOKS, ACCOUNTANTS, TECHNICIANS, WEB DESIGNERS, PROGRAMMERS.

MUST HAVE A VALID INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT, ETC. Interested? for
more details contact:

below mail id and send your resume to, SIR. MATTHEW W.
SCHUYLER

(Chief Human Resources Officer of Hilton International Hotel ).

E-mail:hilton_hotelvacancy@scamscamscam.scam

Tel: +4471234SCAM

WWW.Hilton.co.UK

(Chief Human Resources Officer of Hilton International Hotel )



This is who the scammer is pretending to be. Onya Mattface!


An offer to work at the Hilton? Hold me back son! I was so excited, I quickly switched my brain right off and smashed the reply button: 

Dearest Matthew,

Hallelujah, it's your lucky day old chum. Because your enticing offer has landed in the inbox of the hero of hospitality, the don of drivers and the hotelier of hoteliers, me! 
Now while you pick your fractured jaw right of the flaw in awe of how lucky you truly are for finding me, allow me to point out how skilled I am in everything. 

I make this hotel game look like a kids game of monopoly played by three year olds. In my time in hospitality I've done so well, Donald Trump sent me one of his own wigs to put on my mantelpiece next to my Oscar for 'Best portrayal of amazing'. The last hotel I worked at? They bolted on another 112 floors on top to stopped me getting bored - because I am that damn good. 


I forget where this is but I probably helped build it.

Mattface, I've had a look at what roles you're offering here and I have to say, I'm struggling here. Struggling that is, in finding something I'm not skilled at. I tried writing a CV to give you the full range of my expertise but my brand new PC personally built by Bill Gates ran out of space at the sheer immenseness of it. If I emailed it through, the internet would collapse. So instead here's a few of my vital skills. 

- I can operate front of house with one hand, cook for a full restaurant with the other and push a broom with my penis at the same time. You should see what I can do when I really put my mind to it. 

- When I was delivering room service for a time, I helped deliver 12 babies. This was from women who had no idea they were even pregnant. As a consequence, there are twelve children out there that now share my incredibly manly name and 8 of them are girls. 

- I have stood in as a civil celebrant at weddings held at hotels as I am a fully licensed legend of everything. Weddings, parties and exorcisms in the hotel pool - I can perform them all. 

- I am the only man in the world who knows how to mix a Bulgarian Ballbag Buster cocktail. The legend of this heroic drink has all been lost to the sands of time save for my amazing memory. I can even milk my own Yak in preparation. 


Dry or on the rocks, up to you.

Matthead, I have done and can do IT ALL. Stop your search because I'm so good I actually secretly took the job a week ago before you even advertised it. Save your plane ticket because I'm already here. Remember when room 113 caught on fire? That was me that whizzed it back under control while doing all the accounting. 

Pay starts at half a million and we'll renegotiate after the first hour. 

Regards
-Captain Migo

Hmm, can't wait for the reply now..

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