Wednesday, November 27, 2013

An email from my set of scales

My scales sent me an email today.

I knew I shouldn't have named it Skynet...

It reads as follows:

Dear Almigo,

It's been quite a while since we've hung out together but allow me to bellow out my heartiest congratulations on todays bleary eyed reading at 5:05am today. No your tired eyes did not deceive you, you indeed have shrunk to a quite healthy 78.4 kilos and unlike your shares portfolio, losing here is actually a cause for celebration. 

Since you are now officially the lightest you've been since you attempted that tasteless weight shake diet way back when as part of a radio stunt, I have organised a full day of activities. I have conspired with outside forces you see (because I'm a set of boring scales and therefore have no tact nor soul) and by the time you read this the following should have happened:

- Today is cake day at the office. No real reason, but expect a lot of flourless chocolate mud cake that's more addictive than fresh crack washed with Wild Turkey honey blend. I know you and I know you well, you will not be able to stop at just one bite. 

- Did I mention the cheesecake? Yes that's there as well. Simply devine, ready to bury itself in your gob. Resistance is futile. 

- Your beautiful wife is cooking you a wonderful roast beef. No harm here at first but she will be doing a pot of her finest beef gravy. And we all know you do like your slabs of cow drowned in a flood of hot hot oozing gravy. 

- Did we tell you there's your favourite box of crackers in the cupboard and a full block of cheese in the fridge waiting to be united? Guess what you're having for supper! Nom nom nom indeed! 

My scales in cyborg form.

After today I reckon you and I will rekindle our relationship to even stronger levels. 
See you soon!

Much love and groaning

Seriously, why is it that when you find out you're at your lightest, the world conspires to bring you back with oodles of free and tasty food to put you back in your place. I'd say no but that roast and gravvy are smelling really good right about now...


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