Wednesday, May 4, 2016

WCW Week 1: Diary of the man who tried to save a sinking ship


...well through Extreme Warfare Revenge software that is (you can read up on my previous attempts to run WWE through here.) After my first foray into booking a wrestling federation I figured that I could turn my attention to the now defunct World Championship Wrestling and maybe..eh...turn a profit for once? Stop it going down the drain and have WWE ultimately take over? Cut the wheat from the chaff? Provide an exciting main event for once? (Okay lets stop getting ahead of myself here..). Wish me luck!




WEDNESDAY JUNE 1 1998 - Seriously you run into Eric Bischoff in a bar and a quick bet involving two spoons and a passing waitress and suddenly before you know it you're incredibly hungover and in control of World Championship Wrestling while he tries his hand at washing cars. News must have traveled quick as I've just arrived at the main building in Atlanta and Ted Turner has already wished me the best of luck via email.

However this being WCW in the late nineties the left hand has absolutely zero idea about where or what the right hand is doing and having no idea who I am, Barry Horrowitz has already confused me for a member of catering and demanded a burger and chips be brought to the dressing room. Ha ha hilarious Horrowitz, enjoy your time looking for work on the independents! (Well there's 25 grand a month I won't have to worry about for a bit..)

To celebrate this money saving I have order the oil in the deep fat fryer in the WCW cafe to be changed six times a year instead of just four! #luxury

Bye bye Barry!

THURSDAY JUNE 2 1998 - After moving Nash's beer fridge into my office and starting my first full official day in the right frame of mood circa WCW 1999 (read: completely plastered) I flicked through my email and discovered that my competitor WWF had fired Jeff Hardy. For a second I thought of hiring him as a hilarious road agent but the litany of lawsuits might get a little out of control.

I have also learnt that the cute girl with the look of utter disdain who works just outside my office is my assistant Sophie. Today in between looks of disgusts from my occasional belches she told me that we need more writers (rubbish! I'll do fine!), more medics, more road agents (Jeff maybe?) and a head trainer for our Power Plant training area.
(Did Eric do all this stuff by himself? Doubtful!)

So I hired Abe the medic, Albert the writer and Adnan the road agent and then accepted the only resume I had on my desk for power plant trainer and gave Sgt Buddy Lee Parker the gig. To counteract the average yearly wage of 25k, I gave Bobby Blaze the flick. I then celebrated my second day in the office without actually booking anything by having a six hour long lunch and passing out on my desk.

It's just not working Mr Blaze..

FRIDAY JUNE 3 1998 - Oh goodie, my first day at booking Thunder! To start I got Alex Wright to increase international relations by dancing for the crowd to get them red hot and ready for the next match and to start a feud with...er..Elizabeth? (It seemed a good idea in the wake up shower at the time)

Then things really took a turn for the awesome when I figured the card really needed a triple threat elimination match featuring the high flying antics of The Barbarian versus the super tactical ability of Marty Jannetty versus the animal cunning of...ah...Ralphus! The crowd would be nova hot when the super over Barbarian came out the victor!

Pure unfiltered animal cunning!

I tried doing an angle next but apparently I didn't have enough writers for one so instead I replaced it with a quick fire squash match between Bill Goldberg and Vilano IV. Bill would never not what hit him! (Of course Bill objected like crazy and after an hour with the lawyers I finally let him go over but not without cheating in the match to make Vilano IV look super tough. And then Psychosis would run in and Bill would run away in fear. Mental note: Must keep an eye on Mr Goldberg from now on.)

Triangle match time and what a line up! Team Dance Machine (Alex Wright and Lanny Poffo) vs Team Irish Mongols (Fit Finlay and Steve McMichael) and team last minute random pick! (Jerry Flynn and Konnan). Do you know how many t-shirts we will sell before this thing even starts?? Of course it goes without saying that team Irish Mongols will go over but not before one hell of a battle!
Next Elizabeth will lead out Perry Saturn and Yuji Nagata to a fever pitch interview of their favorite road snacks and how much they don't like the cut of Alex Wright's jib. Alex will of course respond by yelling loudly from the mens room..

Now it's time to get super serious with Bret Hart taking on Booker T with Raven as special guest ref! God this screams five star all the way! Of course nothing keeps the heat up like a screw job with Raven kicking Bret in the conkers and then Sonny Onoo jumping in the ring and knocking everyone out cold.

Destroy them all Onoo!

To cap off the night, a ten men battle royal! Everyone loves a battle royale! And these guys were just hanging out in the cafeteria when I drafted them into action: Arn Anderson, Chris Jericho, CW Anderson, Brian Adams, Chavo, Buff Bagwell, Brad Armstrong, Bobby Eaton, Barry Darsow and James Vandenberg. Jericho wins this one for old school value.

Getting quite peckish before the night kicks off I went off to a steak dinner and three bottles of red, forgetting to get back in time. With this amount of talent though I'm sure it went just fine!

Road agent notes from the night: Bill Goldberg is losing his overness (that will serve him right for not jobbing to Vilano IV!), Konann has a weak gimmick, so does Sonny Ono and Raven apparently. Booker T however is becoming more popular. The ten man battle royal was a let down because of the success of the previous match.  Overall rating 59% - not too shabby for my first Thunder!)

Superheel!


SATURDAY JUNE 4 1998: Oh shit it's Saturday and I'm still at work. For some reason my email has been going crazy - Finlay wants to be higher on the card, the road agents are going nuts about Booker T and Bret Hart (in a good way thankfully) and my amazing efforts at booking made $260k! After ignoring countless requests for a steak sandwich and coffee Sophie informed me that we still needed more writers and road agents. So I hired some guy called Alexander, a writer called Benton and fired Chris Adams to pay for them both.

I also decided to end the current problems with Konnan, Sonny and Raven's gimmick by putting them in a stable. A pirate themed stable! (Guess who had a big night on the rum last night?) Yargh Matey will be the new age ultimate foil to the NWO!

I let Steven Regal book the nights card as I was busy hilariously trying to get the work experience kid to photocopy the local phone book. Amazingly he got through half of it before he realized it was a rib..

(Steven got a score of 43 - it probably didn't help with the mediocre line up I left him..and yet he attracted 1000 more fans than Thunder did! Well done old chap!)

Brings in the crowds!

SUNDAY JUNE 5 1998: All in all a successful week! Of course there was a nasty email from Sophie asking for even more road agents and writers (Jeez, how many does she want? Doesn't she know that these guys don't grow on trees?) and so in an attempt to appease her I hired Ben the road agent and Bill the writer (who were quite happy to receive my call on a Sunday) and then fired Joey Maggs (who wasn't that happy to receive my call..)

I also decided it was high time (between my drunken hazes) to really start to annoy my biggest rival (being Vince McMahon) and started a flick through the available talent to poach the good ones before he does. I am happy to report that the super talent Doink the Clown is all mine for the next two years!

We wish you all the best for your future endeavors..
Join us next week as we unleash Yargh Matey into the wrestling world and really ignite the feud between Elizabeth and Alex Wright!



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