Sunday, June 19, 2016

Gold Rush Season Six - Lots of gold, lots of problems

Amazing isn't it? In the first season a rag tag group of hopefuls banded together in the hope of discovering gold in the Klondike and turning their lives around.

Now we're up to season six a rag tag group of hopefuls banded together in the hope of discovering gold in the Klondike and turning their lives around...

So after six seasons of bedrock, snow and some truly terrible ideas, lets meet the current major players!

TODD HOFFMAN: Todd has two main goals in life - making a lot of money for his family and far more importantly, beating Parker. Why he seems so obsessed with beating Parker is anyone's guess but he spends an inordinate amount of time mentioning that they're close or falling quite behind him in terms of gold discovered. I'm sure the rest of his crew must really appreciate his hatred of Parker, especially when he decides to run the plant around the clock simply to (yep, you guessed it) beat Parker. Todd says 'Fricken' a lot, walks around looking disappointed, spends plenty of time mumbling something about Parker and precious little else. However he's best kept monitored by his business partners as when he suddenly hears about a claim full of chunky gold miles away, he just about signs the operation away without actually consulting anyone. This rates up there with other previous sound decisions of his such as 'Lets spend everything, go to Ghiana and fail to dig up anything!'
This season Todd is like a teenager with a platinum card as he gets a lot of equipment to play with including a monster wash plant, approx 500 miles of conveyor belt and 5 light years of heavy duty hose but what he fails to realize is the more he buys or borrows, the more than can go horribly wrong and the more stressed his overworked mechanics have to deal with

PARKER SCHNABEL: Parker loves his dog, Parker loves his grandpa. Unfortunately that's pretty much as far as his love goes on this season as all and sundry on his team cops his wrath sooner or later. Well except the new mechanic who he hires, who immediately rubs everyone up the wrong way and who everyone wants to punch for some reason. A terrible leader, he's reluctant to spend any of the money he's made on decent equipment (one of the crew jokes that the truck they move the wash plant with would be much better suited to carry groceries)...except when he decides to pay claim owner Tony Beets a cut based on three thousand ounces...yes that same three thousand ounces he's yet to actually dig up yet. That truly is either the biggest showing of his now legal enough to drink testicles or one hell of an overconfident gamble. (It worked for him though, he did make it.)
He has no time for idiots, breakdowns, Todd, Tony, rookies, snow, broken machinery, anything.

TONY BEETS: Hammer swinging grizzled gold miner with a beard for weeks but zero empathy, who gets terribly excited when it comes to floating piles of rusted steel (aka dredges) for some reason. Happy to spend big money on terrible ideas (aka dredges). He doesn't seem to like delays or people and grates on everyone better than any cheese tool known to man. Very good at fixing things by swearing at it, firing it (or grunting at his foreman Gene) and making his kids work harder than most sweat third world shops. Enjoys Parker's company when he has gold to share but that's about it. Owes a million, struggling to find half of that...but still wants to buy another dredge. Crazy as a loon but seems like an okay kind of guy away from anything gold related. Most of what he says has to be both a) translated and b) beeped excessively making him highly amusing when things go wrong.

MINNIE BEETS: Sane wife of Tony, occasional voice of reason but happy to unleash her husband to the world and only provide sage advice when there's an actual business dealings going on. Was Tony's next door neighbor when they met. Defuses many a situation. God only knows how insane Tony would be without her.

JACK HOFFMAN: Still a big part of Team Hoffman, still roughly 3500 years old. Noah owes him fifty bucks for his work on the ark. Thankfully there seems to be enough team members for all the heavy machinery on site which means we don't get to see Old Man Hoffman race off in a big digger and randomly dig holes in places Todd doesn't want him to. Jack spends the majority of the season in the gold counting room, usually seen carrying a big bowl of the golden stuff or jars filled to capacity. This season he doesn't have half the crazy ideas he used to which is slightly disappointing.

GENE CHEESEMAN: Once worked for Parker, now despises him. Now works for Tony, will probably despise him too by the end of the season. Hard working but extremely easy to ignite, Gene is a great foreman and has plenty of useful ideas - about once in a blue moon one of them even gets to see light of day! Usually lumped with jobs that are next to impossible coupled with Tony's mad ramblings which really don't help anything. How he keeps coming back is anyone's guess really.

RICK NESS: One of only two guys on the show who give off a natural impression of being a great guy to have a beer with, Rick's ultimate talent is to put up with pretty much inhuman levels of shit from Parker. He's more than happy to roll up the sleeves and pitch in (when Parker's not blaming him for something) as Parker's latest foreman and seems to get on really well with just about everyone on the team...except if you're a ring in mechanic that went to school with Parker in which case Rick would like to punch your face in. There's someone everyone wants to belt every season so we won't hold that against him too much.

CHRIS DOUMITT: Chris, Chris he's our man, if he can't do it then it's probably not technically possible in the first place.
The second guy you'd seriously consider having a beer with, Chris seems to be ecstatic simply to be breathing and happy for every moment of TV time he gets. With a cigar in mouth and a bit of heavy equipment to thrash about in, nothing fazes this seasoned veteran - if something did explode next to him we're guessing he would be super happy to have something to light his next stogey with.
His nice guy demeanor and hard work ethic seems to have a calming effect on Parker and has probably been instrumental in saving the careers of some of the team who were toeing the line (they probably thanked him later with a six pack of beer and a box of cigars. If there's another season of Gold Rush, each team would be pretty foolish not to make Chris and offer to bring his happy attitude over - god knows some of them need it!

DAVE TURIN: You know those birds who fly directly into a window head first only to bounce right off? You think 'Surely he won't do that again' and suddenly BANG he hits the window again? Poor Dave seems to be that bird in this situation as he has survived every single last Todd Hoffman adventure and yet still keeps coming back for more. He can do anything, seems to do everything, gets angry a lot (which is natural given this situations he finds himself dealing with) and is more of a leader than Todd is. He's also the voice of caution for Todd (a twenty four hour job really) and while occasionally he disagrees with his boss, it's usually for very sensible reasons.

JUAN IBARRA: God only knows where they found newcomer Juan but he is worth Todd's weight in gold for his MacGuyver like abilities in fixing things when most mechanics would have walked off for beer and painkillers. He even rips off the turbo from his own truck to repair a wash plant in the last episode proving once again that a) there's not much he can't fix and b) he's more of a team player than some of the guys who have been whinging for the last three seasons.

THE VOICE OVER GUY: Over dramatizes everything. Absolutely everything. If this team can't get their wash plant up and running in time, this season is over! If this new cut contains no gold whatsoever, their season is over! If Jack Hoffman can't find where he put the peanut butter, his season is as good as over!

THE FILM CREW: Terrible listeners, they're constantly told by Todd to stay away while he negotiates over land and equipment...and then somehow they just happen to be right there recording with perfect vision and sound when the deal is being worked out. #amazing


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