Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Can we talk about Alien Covenant for a second?

Welcome to the future and space, were the fate of a couple of thousand colonists lay in the hands of some completely forgettable idiots. Oh and a guy named after an American state. Strap yourself in, it's a completely forgettable ride.

Anyone got any good ideas on how we can throw a bag of spanners into this mission?



I have been a big fan of most of the Alien and Predator movies but occasionally the series will hurl up an absolute turd in terms of a movie that should have well and truly been left on the drawing board. While the original Aliens versus Predator movie was okay (I was a big fan of the video game) the follow up: Alien Versus Predator Requiem was awful. No one worth cheering on (or worth saving) and a Rastafarian alien fresh from one hell of a bad acid trip to really rub acid into the wounds. Just no.

What is that thing exactly?


Alien Covenant has become Requiems latest flatmate in the bad movie fleapit with an amazing cast of characters that you'll forget the names of as soon as they expire. Having watched it a mere 48 hours ago, the names of the crew I can remember are as follows: (Don't worry, no spoilers here if you want to inflict on yourself.)

CREW MEMBERS I REMEMBER

Tennessee the pilot.
Walter the synthetic. I think his name was Walter..
David

CREW MEMBERS I HAVE ASSIGNED NEW NAMES GIVEN I HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THEIR ACTUALLY NAMES IN THE FILM

Crispy McDuck
Captain McHesitant
Singlet Heroine
Backbrace Bruce
Chuck up Charles
Screamy Doctor
Slapstick Sally (either she or screamy doctor is Tennessee's wife, I forget)
Grunt 1
Grunt 2
Random Grunt
The guy with the radio
Human looking aliens
Body McLietherethen

Walter in the front, team non important in the rear.


SO IN A NUTSHELL

Crap hits the fan and the useless crew all wake up to find the captain is suffering from hot flushes and therefore someone with less intelligence takes over. Completely ignoring the incredible ten year mission they all signed up for, they decide to put everything at risk (including the colonists) and investigate some random country and western sounding signal that hails from a planet that would be a great place to set up shop on (if you didn't have a mission to go somewhere else and if planet Sudden Death had more going for it than just a passable wheat field.)
Of course nothing goes right from there.
There's a bit of flute blowing (no I didn't stutter there), some incredible 'why would you do that you idiot?' moments and a bit of CGI. Oh and plenty of death. Wouldn't be an Alien movie without a sprinkling of that would there?

Hello....is it me you're looking for?


SO WHAT WENT WRONG?

Again, I'm not going to ruin anything for you by doing the big reveal but there's a few moments along the way that anyone has seen any of the previous movies will anticipate straight away. Given that you really can't get into any of the characters at all, (no fault of the actors, there just wasn't anything that made you go 'Gosh I hope you make it') you really don't care when they snuff it. The aliens look great but have completely ignored their sneaky, creepy, stalking bastard ways and have moved up to straight up to being slicing dicey murder machines and there's a lot of references to classic music and literature which seems very at odds this far into the future. The story of how the xenomorphs came to be is also revealed and wow, what a let down. And a bit confusing. Gah.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A GOOD PART YES?

Thankfully yes, his name is Michael Fassbender. You will enjoy the roles he plays in this movie...and that's about it. Tennessee tries but this is the Michael show feature aliens and the entire crew from the SS Hopeless.

The flute scene is a bit on the weird side though..


STILL, MAKE YOUR OWN MIND UP

You might love this (doubtful). You might want them to stop the series at this one (I do unless there's more along the lines of the great Aliens movie from 1986). You might completely disagree with me and hark on about it's stunning visuals (yeah they're good) and incredible character development (ahh no..)
Feel free to chuck down your thoughts in a comment. In the meantime I'll be building a time machine to head back to 1986 to see Sigourney Weaver take on an entire alien army..

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