Saturday, August 11, 2018

I see you slithering with your can of cleaning goo..

I saw him slithering through the car park long before he noticed me, his demented smile at everything that moved as he sniffed out a possible sale, a death grip on his can of car cleaning goop like he was Indiana Jones and he'd just come into possession of the Holy Grail.

Brace yourself, here comes my opening line!

'I must remember to avoid this goon' I thought to myself as I walked into the supermarket to grab some stuff for lunch. Of course by the time I'd venture out he'd re positioned himself and sprung to attack as soon as walked back to the wagon...

Now I'm not a big fan of those pop up sales tables in the middle of shopping centers and outside of supermarkets at the best of times. I don't have a problem with what they're trying to sell, it's the engagement part. No I don't want to know about how I could win this thing, save that thing, teach my kids advanced brain surgery or sponsor a battle worn goat while I'm on my way to somewhere. No I don't enjoy when someone randomly sticks something in my face and then tries to explain exactly what I'm supposed to be looking at while casting longing glances at my credit card.
If I want something, I'll walk up and buy something. Otherwise stop racking your brain as to how to get my attention in the 3 and a half second window before I stroll past.

But at least they usually confine themselves to a small range near that table, laden with pictures, forms and ten tonnes of paperwork just to win a gold bar. You can see them in advance and make plans to avoid them. Like talking to nobody on your mobile phone or muttering crazily to yourself.

But the car park sellers? They assume the whole lay of the car park land is their domain and in the case of slithery Sam, the super goop seller (no idea what his name actually is, don't actually care) he figured that anyone moving near the vicinity of any vehicle was a fair target for the ULTIMATE IN CAR CLEANING TECHNOLOGY. Or something.

He could have picked three tradies on their lunch break standing by their utes...or me, groceries in hand and a face of sheer determination not to hear his sales pitch.

You can only guess who he picked then..

Playing the part of Slithery Sam the Super Goop Seller will be an actually snake, while the role of myself (Almigo) will be played by body double WWE superstar Antonio Cesaro.

The scene: Having finished shopping, Almigo steps out of the supermarket and back to his wagon with a bag of groceries in each hand. An eager Slippery Sam seems him, grins like and idiot and sidles up to him, matching him step for step. His terrible opening line almost makes the space time continuum rip itself open from cringing so hard.

So....are we skipping the gym today on account of how heavy those bags are?

Mutters under breath: Oh ffs, not you.

Look, these bags aren't heavy..

Yep yep, I hear you. So....which of these cars belong to you? The Ferrari's or the Lamborghini's?

At this point of the reenactment I'd like to point out that we were in a Pimpama shopping center car park, completely devoid of anything resembling either a Ferrari or a Lamborghini. It's not to say there aren't some nice cars around these parts, more that he picked two brands you don't usually see out this way.. you know where you are? When was the last time you saw either of them in this car park?

Sam sees Almigo stop at the Stagea Wagon. There is more than a far chance that he has no idea what it actually is. But it fits the description of what his cleaning goo supposedly works on so he presses on.

Oh you drive one of these? Noice! Very noice. You know what it could do with though?

Not interested.

But this demonstration will only take a minute...

Almigo has now moved to the back of the wagon and is proceeding to load in his not so heavy bags. He doesn't even look over at Sam when he calls out.

Yep. Still not interested. Bye now.

You have the most wonderful of days now!

Sam then sees a stressed mum attempting to load her kids and the weekly shop into her SUV. Sensing the helpless to escape, he slithers over waving his can.

I saw Sam again doing some more shopping this weekend. Still holding his can, still matching people step by step, still coming up with cringeworthy opening lines in hopes of a sale.

Surely there should be a law against attempted car park sales..


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