Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Why I won't be rocking The Block

Producers and contestants on the renovation tv show the Block 2012, your jobs are safe from me. Rest assured that no matter how badly you fluff up in restoring those flea pits from scratch, there's no chance you'll ever be replaced by yours truly.

Safe for now.

Because in the space of one episode the contestants will plow through their tasks and achieve so much in such little time.
In that same time I'll have managed to put my rubbish drill through the nearest wall by accident and my fist has followed shortly thereafter.

They've been building houses, I've been knocked sideways putting together a toy box for my little bloke Jackson. If you rope me into assisting you in property development, prepare for a long line of court appearances courtesy of disgruntled tenants now missing some limbs.

Thankfully the father in law did all the cutting and measuring of the toy box panels - which meant they lined up well and shouldn't have been too hard to bolt together. But then it's me we're talking about here - the guy who helped weave the original too hard basket. Here's why I won't be trying to impress Scott Cam anytime soon:

A setup like Scott's probably would've helped...

1. I lined up all the panels...and still manage to drill into the wrong sections. I put holes where none were needed and then bolted two sections the wrong way. You only find out you've put it together incorrectly when you're tightening the screws.

2. My drill - rubbish. It's got enough battery life to get Grandma to bingo in her mobility scooter but not enough power to keep it useful, for things like actually drilling holes and the like. So it spent more time on the charger than Lindsay Lohan spends in rehab.

3. Rotary tools are not drill substitutes. This was evident even when using the drill attachment that came with it as smoke started coming out of the drill holes. It wasn't really drilling, more like 'scorching' a hole in the wood. After the first bit of charcoal I stopped doing that pretty quickly.

4. Barry my father in law had lent me his drill driver to really drive things home. However I didn't realize it had enough power to rip the turret off a tank without breaking a sweat. Before I could utter the words 'hey where did that screw go?' it was so deep into the hole that not even the United Nations peacekeeping team could wedge it out again. While I learnt to keep it under some kind of modest control it still kept racing forward like a nitrous fueled funny car on occasion.

5. Baz had also taught me the art of counter sinking - drilling a bigger hole so the screws end stays below the level of the wood (and it looks nice too). So I countersunk everything - even holes I created by accident. So there's a lot of drilled out sinks that now really serve no purpose...(ventilation holes maybe?)

The good news is, the box is almost complete. Only one more panel is left to screw in. The bad news: my rubbish cheap drill is STILL charging. So that's tomorrows job.

Somehow though I don't think that excuse would fly on The Block...

..But then again I've never seen the crew on the Block ever tackle something as hideously challenging as a basic kids toy box. So maybe I should start pimping my drill skills to the networks during rating season. I'd probably make more money doing that than relying on my mad carpentry skills in the long run..


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