This month we jump back into the time machine and reminisce over old posts with a glass of brandy in front of a warm fire. This time around it was a time where I attempted to be this bloke:
Yeah so I'm not going to quit radio
anytime soon and become a professional gambler, secret agent, super ladies man
(wait...) or buy myself a Walther PPK anytime soon - after a brief taste of the
good life, it's fair to say I'm much more comfortable being me.
I proved this on the weekend by attempting to play James Bond. No not any of
the 007 video games, I actually decided to find out how much fun the Bond
lifestyle.
(I
lie - I went to a company function that was at Townsville Casino. Apart from
walking through Crown Casino in Melbourne on occasion, it was the first time I
really had anything to do with a casino. So what a great excuse to pretend to
be a secret agent while drinking copious amounts of everything in reach? When
else am I going to get such an awesome opportunity?)
ARRIVING AND DRIVING IN STYLING
Firstly was finding me a suitable
vehicle to transport my stash of secreted gadgets (Ipod and mobile phone), my
super sharp (crushed in a carry on bag) suit as well as myself all the way to
the airport. In true James Bond style, it'd have to be a BMW, an Aston Martin
or even a rare Lotus.
What I ended up in was a Ferrari Lamborghini
 |
| Not a single missile on board |
Yeah...no. As comfortable as it was,
I couldn't see myself dodging bad guys (or anything at all really) in it and
there wasn't a hidden machine gun or ejector seat anywhere. Whoever designed
this had never met Q before.
Result: Fail.
FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES IN LEAR JETS
Private planes with airline hostesses
handing out not only champagne and caviar but themselves on occasion, while
terrorists hide in secret compartments in the toilet? No.
A big military carrier plane then,
with a supercar and parachutes loaded in the back with enough room to not only
play footy in, but have a pretty convincing firefight in case one was needed?
No.
I flew in economy, on a fully packed
Virgin Blue flight and proceed to fall asleep during the flight out of sheer
boredom. I was awakened by the hostesses, not being in the least bit sexy, but
when they rammed the food cart into my foot time and time again. The closest
thing to complimentary champagne when seated was the bourbon and Pepsi...which
you have to shell out a staggering $10 for. Caviar wasn't on the menu so I
opted instead for the Luke Mangan beef sand which (I didn't see him on the
plane?). Longest trip ever.
Result: Fail again.
ALWAYS BET ON BLACK
Bond always looks impeccable in a 3
piece, walks in with a wad of hundreds, orders a martini, wins a few hands and
proceeds to bugger off with the hottest girl in the room.
Yours truly however walks in with
rough jeans and an odd color t-shirt (it went through the wash with a brighter
colored t-shirt and emulated it slightly), ordered a beer, sat down at the $10
blackjack table and proceeded to blow anything I'd earned on the gaming
machines (not much) and the horses (even less) on two hands. My entire
blackjack playing experience has amounted to a total of two hands period and
zero to show for it. I was also extremely thankful that I'm engaged to a
gorgeous woman already as if I was single and truly trying the James Bond
experience, I'd have to settle for someone a bit older than me.
Like at least 50 years older.
Pickings were very close to death.
 |
| Abort mission! |
Result: Third time lucky at failing.
SOMETIMES THE CLOTHES DO MAKE THE MAN
According to www.Jamesbondlifestyle.com:
For a visit to the Casino Bond wears a
single-breasted dinner jacket, heavy silk shirt, thin double-ended black satin
tie.
Note that it does not say: To be truly cool, James Bond only ever wears one suit
for everything, a dark pinstriped suit that sits a little too big on him and
one that really visits the dry cleaners.
Not that it'd really help ultimately
as the shirt was far from silk (god knows what's actually in it), the jacket
looks more at home at a mafia funeral and while the tie is black, it wasn't a
bow. Or expensive. Or pressed at all (it spent way too much time crushed at the
bottom of the wardrobe before being thrown on for this big dinner. I don't
think Mr Bond waits 5 years between suits either.
Thank god I'm buying a decent one for
my own wedding.
Result: Fourth fail's a charm.
IN CASINOCONCLUSION
James Bond I will never be. A secret
agent I'll never be. A professional punter I could never afford to be.
But when did you see James Bond knock
back a couple of cold ones on a Friday night, put the boots into an RX7 or talk
shit on the radio for a living? Can he swing a spanner, hammer or rock a 6
string Yama(ha)? Have you ever seen any of the James Bonds cook a semi decent
meal??
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| Still waiting Bond... |
Exactly.
I'll stick to being me for the time
being, with all this practice I'm getting pretty good at it!
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