Friday, April 12, 2013

The mystery of the bulk buy rissoles

Every time I buy a big bulk meat pack from my local butcher, there's always a couple of packs of five dollar rissoles included (I'm guessing they're in there because they'd be bloody hard to sell by themselves).

And while it's probably not a closely guarded secret amongst the butcher fraternity, I reckon I've worked out the process of how these banes of my meat pack are created...

Firstly, grab some meat. Choice really is unimportant as its like a Linkin Park song: Something about a journey with a bit of screaming for good measure.

- Now roll this meat into a ball formation and proceed to throw them deep into the nearest salt mine. 

- Retrieve then throw them into the mine again, deeper this time. 

- Retrieve once more and dunk all of the rissoles into a barrel of salt. Just like you would've done if you had no fridge or Internet back in 1976.

- Heave the barrel, rissoles and all into the Dead Sea. You really want them to absorb some of that slightly salty brine goodness.

- Fish out the barrel, empty it and brush the rissoles with some rock salt before giving them a slight (ever so slight) brush of table salt.

- By now it probably needs some seasoning. At best guess, probably a truckload of salt flakes.

- Now just before you put them out in the shop window, a quick prayer to Shaker the Bulgarian god of Salt wouldn't go astray. Sacrifice some virgin water for a true blessing of the rissole kind. 

- Sneak them into bulk meat packs when the customer isn't looking.

- Laugh madly in a salt induced fury.

Not bad for five bucks hey?


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