I just want coffee that tastes like real coffee

I just drank something that looked like powered pumpkin floating in oil and I'm not exactly sure if I'm feeling the benefits..

So the coffee sachet was part of a box in the staff kitchen with a note attached: 'Free, help yourself to one' and me being me, the lover of the stuff that is free, tucked in without a care. 

I briefly looked at the exotic list of what was on board and while I recognized Turmeric, the other exotic ingredients were new to me. There was some kind of spice, some kind of oil (which would explain the slightly oily sheen coating my mouth now), some kind of plant matter that only grows on the western side of a monk infested mountain one week every year and then to really throw in a curve ball, there was some pepper too. 

(Because god knows how many times I've been at a cafe and reached for the pepper shaker rather than the sugar. One medium cap please, two peppers. Oh and please do something fancy with the froth.)

Apparently it's one of those 'rocket fuel' blends that should have you at peak fitness by the time you finish your last gulp, your libido raging off the scale with enough energy to headbutt the entire working week into submission let alone the rest of your workday. While it wasn't listed on the small sachet, I can only assume that it will also increase your social butterfly status, your hipster magnet attraction, your Facebook follower clout and you'll master a new language by the days end (just guessing.)

So what happened?

I almost fell asleep in the work elevator. 

Okay that wasn't a direct correlation to drinking this strange brew, more just a long work week and getting up earlier, but I certainly was not bursting with mad energy soon after it. When I walked down the work hallway, no streamers exploded, no co-workers burst into dance and the walls stayed exactly where they were.

I went across the road to the supermarket to buy some bread and did not return with pockets stuffed with phone numbers, so my sex appeal hasn't budged because of this drink.  

There's still no hair on my head, my baldness hasn't magically disappeared. 

And it definitely did not taste anything like coffee. More like spiced water with mystery. And not great mystery either, more like things you find in the passenger side foot well of your car if you haven't given it a vacuum for at least a decade. Caramel it was not, coffee even less. That's a no for me. 

(In fact straight after it I finished it, I looked for things to take the taste in my mouth away, settling on some chicken tandoori bites from Woolworths)

So nice try free coffee box but I'm not falling for that one again...

And in completely unrelated other news

I'm doing another one of those 'Find your new favorite author!' promos where you can get a taste of some amazing writers out there. Find out more right here! (Although if you do like my work and invite me out for a coffee, please don't bring any of these wanky sachets along with you. Thanks in advance!)