Please don't ignore this massage

It's been a while between scam emails - life has been life, work has been hectic, I've been grunting and sweating my way through my exercise sessions and so I've been putting responding to random idiots through my email on the back burner. 

Until today when I was kindly asked not to 'ignore this massage.'

I hope it's a hot stone one!

Trust me, I NEVER ignore a massage.

Better set the record straight then...

This is the 75 year old that wants my help with her millions and potentially rub me down with exotic oils. 

MEET SOFIA THE SCAMMER

Dearest One,

Good day Please kindly be honest to me. My name is Mrs. Sofia Shaw, I am a dying woman who had decided to donate what I have to the Charities.As you know bad people in the world have spoil the image of good people.Please I don't want you to ignore this massage.

I am 75 years old and was diagnosed with cancer about four years ago,immediately after the death of my husband.I have been touched to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband for the good work rather than allow his relatives to lavish my husband's hard earned fund. As i lay on my sick bed, I want you to help me in carrying out my last wish on earth which will also be very profitable to you. I want to WILL a total sum of $5.5 million USD to you which I want you to distribute part of it to any charity home for me and the rest for yourself and your family.

I will inform you on how to share all, Please for further information contact me ASAP. I will be looking forward to hear from you.

Regards,

MRS SOFIA SHAW.

Google image search tells me this is what Sofia Shaw might look like. Looking pretty good for 75 years old then! :P

Since she's on her deathbed, I feel it's only fair that I respond and get her millions. And possibly a massage. In all honesty I hope it's the millions.

Dearest Sofia,

Since you have asked me kindly to be honest, let me start by saying that this is the strangest request I've ever had from a stranger on the Internets. You're dying and one of your final thoughts is: 'I need someone's help and I want him never forget a massage.'?

Well okay then.

Firstly let me inform you that I have never ignored a massage, ever. Even in my most tiredest state when I was just a mere bee's manhood away from falling asleep, if someone is starting to massage me then I will stay awake as long as I can to hit the land of muscle relax. I do enjoy a massage, especially if it's in a warm room with one of those steamy mist machines and soft mountain music pipes away in the corner.

However reading about your current condition I don't believe you'd be up for giving me a deep tissue massage that really hits the spot. And too be honest I'd feel downright bizarre walking into a hospital and asking you to sort out my bung neck while you're gasping away on your death bed.

I love massages but not that desperately. (Also I hope it's just a normal massage you were thinking off and not one that needs a red light installed out of the front of the building. I'm not that kind of random internet guy. Not without a tonne of drinks anyway.)

Perhaps with your dead husbands riches you could hire someone to give me a massage? Or maybe even stretch to a team of masseurs? Possible all from Sweden? It doesn't have to be an all over one either, just the back and neck are fine - especially after my latest round of barbell squats. It's not going to take too much out of the 5.5 million, trust me.

Also I am more than happy to keep your late husbands money away from 'the bad people'. You'll be happy to know that I have been busy building a list and I will not give the following people/places a single cent of your riches:

Al Capone

Facebook

Donald Trump

Mrs Montgomery my home economics teacher

Hitler

Viagogo

Apple

Black Lace

That pharmaceutical idiot who has the one and only copy of that Wu Tang album

The ATO

Drunk Ted from down the road

Furries

Since you seem to want to give me a massage, perhaps I could use the money to give people who deserve it a massage when they least expect it? Like above I've been working on a list:

Me

Doctors and nurses

Not you

What do you think? When you write back please include a picture of yourself so I can see what a random massage offer-er on the net actually looks like. I'm guessing it's not an actual 75 year old woman but hey I do like the occasional surprise!

Much love

-Almigo

Now to see what (if anything) we get back!

(2021 update - still no reply. Oh Mrs Sofia Shaw, I hardly knew ya...)

2021 UPDATE

So according to the analytics for this site, a few of you have landed on this page after searching up on the dubious 'Sofia Shaw', undoubtedly to see if her offer of sharing millions is legit. It certainly is not. Not even close. So while we're at it, let's add a few more names to the SCAMMER SHITLIST.

If you get an email about getting rich/getting your share of millions from any of the following, consider it a scam and ignore completely.

Alexandra Kelly - Bank investigator
Alima Abdallah - Has an urgent business proposal
Ammar Hussain - Finance and account Qatar
Charles Koch - Elder brother to David
Chris Santos - works for the illuminati apparently. Sure.
Crelina Jasmine - Offering loans
Dickson Nsebeh - Offering a partnership
Emeka Chuks - Discovered an abandoned fund
Emma Walk - offering updated databases while using a Gmail address
Godswill Ibori - Pretends to work for the FBI
Irene Raye - Her message may come as a suprise
Mariam Kareem - With an urgent message from hospital
Miriam Abdul - From Dubai
Moore Lake - Offering loads
Mrs Renate Settnik - german citizen who lives in Burkina Faso
Nelly Ujuwa - Offering ATM cards
Prest Impex
Richard Wahl - writes in German
Sydney Holgreen - Barrister
Thomas Headley - Online lottery

Random scam text messages like this one from 0430438748

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE SCAMMERS, ALL OFFERS FROM THIS IDIOTS SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.