An open letter to the power companies of Australia

Greetings electricity and gas companies of Australia (and yes this includes you Energy Australia, Victoria Energy, Powercor, Hamster Wheel energy, Simply Energy, Bolivian Energy and any and all energy companies I've forgotten the name of on this beautiful continent I call home),

Consider yourselves on notice.

I'm mashing fist to keyboard on this muggy day to inform you there's a practice that I'm 99% sure all of you are guilty of that should cease immediately. Because rather than getting me excited about deals and how many shekels I can save per energy bill, it's doing nothing but building the bonfires of my ire.

For the love of god, please stop sending your door to door idiots to my door..

'I'm here to talk about savings...'

Now before you whine about how you provide a vital service, let me assure you that I am more than happy accepting your fossilized dinosaur bits to power my Xbox 360. Yes I do realize I can't watch any of Louis Theroux finest weekend work without your help unless I hook up my HDTV to a bicycle and dope myself silly like I'm ready to run the Tour De France. And yes, I can't play Barry White to turn this Casa De Almigo into the house of love without your assistance.

Turn up the jiggawatts baby!
The juice is working just fine thank you and I don't care if it's been born in an egg on the mountain top or generated by crippled rhinos in Botswana, just keep it coming and I won't care how it got here.

What I can do without, incredibly happily may I add, is the hordes of gibbering idiots that you send to my residence weekly to drool over my current statement and point out how many cents per jiggawatt I can save by signing 200 sheets of paper to join their fold.

Normally I wouldn't give two sheets of sandpaper to the the wind over who greets me at the door to attempt to dislodge my wallet from it's concreted back pocket perch but that fact that they've all been the cockiest and whiniest scrapings of the bottom of the cockiest barrel that's really got my battle scared goat up.

In the past month alone I've had the following sludge their way up my driveway:

- One guy decided to start the conversation by asking who belonged the the sharp looking Mazda parked in the carport. Dressed rougher than a homeless guy with a hangover, until I saw his company badge I truly thought he was here to steal it.

- From the guy who I explained who I was currently with 'Well let me have a look at your welcome pack and I'll point out everything that's wrong with it.' you won't you arrogant turd, lest I come round to your house and point out everything wrong with everything you own.

- I found slight amusement in the bloke who whined that he only got paid if he signed people up. The word's 'Hey, not my problem' as I shut the door on him echoed nicely as I went back to my bourbon. 

- Two reps turned up one day (possibly a bodyguard?) and I found it twice as hard to get the words 'Not interested' to sink into each skull.

- One guy looked like I'd set fire to an orphanage when I flat out told him I wasn't interested in anything he said. 'Sorry I couldn't help you' he shouted on his way out. I'm just sorry he tried... 

I didn't do this.
- 'No' seems a foreign word to them, strangely. But they do understand a closed door.  

So please multi-national industrials, please understand this. If I feel the need to save, I will investigate. And when I investigate, I will possibly switch companies. But I will do this off my own bat and by wrestling with your automated service line machine, because that's how I roll. Do not send me your armies to convince me of your benefits because they will only meet their doom on the doorstep.

The next company that sends an idiot to my door will end ensure it'll be the last company I ever sign up with. Which means ultimately I'll probably end up being the only customer of the One Man Energy group for the simple fact that they don't have enough funds to send people to my door to annoy me.

You're on report kids, now watch yourself.



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