Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The idiots guide to Babylon A.D (AKA where did this headache come from?)

Like buying a 24 year old rotary, investing in shares and trusting that most mobile phones will make it unscathed through two years of abuse, watching this Vin Diesel effort is like doing a Ugandan tax return. Especially when you find out you don’t know any Ugandanese. Or know anything about tax...

Even after reading everything I could on wikipedia and IMDB.com I’ve still scratched my head hard enough to draw blood. This movie is just flat out confusing and dog fart bad, and not necessarily in that order.
So in order to save your untainted soul from watching this movie, I have come up with an Idiots guide to Babylon A.D (which unlike most Idiots guides to anything, is written by someone who feels like a complete idiot for attempting to decipher this thing)
Oh well, the show must go on:
I would have welcomed this interruption personally..
It’s the future, everything is stuffed. Vin Diesel is a scared tank like mercenary who eats rabbits and cheap wine. He lives in a s**thole. Someone Russian with a face like a busted beehive who rides in a luxury tank offers him a job to escort this girl into America. Of course, Vin can’t go there because he’s a terrorist of something so the ugly Russian gives him a passport…which gets injected into his neck.  He also gets a car which gets attatched to a helicopter and flown to bumf**k idaho where this temple is. Anyhoos we meet the girl who’s bizare and her bodyguard who doesn’t like anything. They drive for a bit, then walk for a bit and then decide to get on the train for a bit (not before the girl runs away from the station just in the nick of time because it blows up, somehow she knows this.) Ending up in Sh**town (not real name) where Vin drops into a club where big blokes beat up little blokes to meet someone who knows something about whatever. During this catch up a bunch of goons who do a lot of jumping come into the club, reveal that they have been sent by the girl’s father and proceed to steal her away with more jumping. Vin crushes wrestler, then shoots a jumper, gets girl back and they all meet the next day at a Submarine that pops out of the ice that gives 100 refugees about a 1 in ten chance of getting aboard. Girl has meltdown, plays with submarine, gets knocked out and sub makes it to Alaska. In Alaska the team and Vin’s friend fights against evil drones, Vin gets knocked out, Vin’s friend turns evil, Vin shoots him, everyone builds an igloo. Lots of smiles until psycho psychic girl reveals they’re all going to die in New York. Vin sits in the snow, throws bullets around, looks to the sky. They make it to the border, Vin has a shower. Nutso girl tries to kiss him, gets interrupted by bodyguard. Over to a hotel now and tv report shows that temple was bombed as soon as they left. Whoops. Outside Russian goons and holy goons take up each side of the street to ensure girl gets delivered. Strange Doctor appears at door, checks out girl in spare room, doesn’t do much, leaves. Girl comes out and admits she is pregnant without being knocked up. Amazing! Vin smells eminent doom. Walks girl out to waiting army, throws a spanner in the works at the last second by starting a firefight. Bodyguard dies, Vin gets blown up, girl supposedly roasted too. Somehow. Head nutter of the religious goons gets angry in a meeting over dead girl, wonders why Vin’s body stolen from morgue. Vin wakes up, half robot, still zero emotion. Girls creator who is half robot too somehow saves him with parts of a toaster. Plugs into Vin’s head, replays last moments of life, girl says ‘Go home’, Vin on the case. Head religious nutter finds and shoots creator after revealing girl is part of a plot to spark some wacko religion. Vin tracks down lunatic girl at parents run down farm, gets into car chase, hummers prove to be not so great against mob. Religious weirdo drops nuke on hideous russian. Vin takes girl to hospital to have children, dies in birth, Vin now father of different coloured babies. Storm coming. End.
Yeah I don't know either.
Any questions?


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