Thursday, June 27, 2013

101 lessons of life learnt from random tv shows

In my time on this planet, I've watched a lot of TV. And I've learnt a lot about life with my eyes glued to the box. So in my latest ambitious project, here are my (bleary eyed) findings about learning how to live with lessons from the box:

101. No one has ever woken up, stumbled into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and uttered the words 'You know what? Today I'd like to be Lara Bingle.' (Being Lara Bingle)

100. Everything works better when you have a great team behind you. Even if that team consists of neurotic machines with multiple personalities. (Bob the Builder)

 99. Even the smallest of details can make all the difference. And stay away from heroin. (Elementary)

 98. In a fantasy world, sex is the ultimate weapon. Oh and dragons. But if you don't have access to fire breathing dragons then just get nude. (Game of Thrones)

 97. Real Estate agents make the worst gold miners (Gold Rush Alaska)

 96. No matter how much you truly believe something is worth, trying to find someone who agrees with that price is truly a challenge (Hardcore Pawn)

  95. Sometimes it's the quiet and unassuming ones that turn out to be the most powerful (Heroes)

 94. A well spoken man of luxury can be just as lethal as a barbarian in an arena swinging a trident (Spartacus)

 93. When everyone is trying to get rich, it's the one who looks to be having the most fun doing it who becomes the most interesting (Storage Wars)

 92. You don't need wealth, high intelligence or work an exciting job to have the most amazing of adventures (The Simpsons)

 91. If the world does indeed get overrun by zombies, it's debatable which is more dangerous to be near: The hordes of shambling dead or the paranoid and neurotic human survivors. (The Walking Dead)

90. If you're buying something second hand, always check the history first... (Warehouse 13)


89. Having a special ability is not all it's cracked up to be. But it can be tremendous fun depending on the circumstances (Alphas)

 88. Sometimes titles miss the mark completely (Everybody loves Raymond)

 87. Being cool, calm and collected can be just as intimidating as yelling, screaming and generally waving a gun around (Justified)

86. The  lowest job you can hold in the United States is selling women's shoes (Married with Children)

85. Sometimes it's better if your best work remains unseen by your boss (Merlin)

 84. Windows can be a lot more exciting than you give them credit for. (Playschool)

 83. Sometimes the best way to deal with an unstoppable high tech killing machine is with your own unstoppable high tech killing machine (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)


82. Dinosaurs are awesome. But not every show featuring dinosaurs is. (Terranova)

 81. Never underestimate the power of a plain piece of clothing (The Wiggles)

80. One of the highest paying jobs in the US is writing jingles (Two and a Half Men)

79. The requirements for working for a secret agency are a fondness for long coats and discerning looks (Alcatraz)

78. When things turn bad, get the hell out. No no, don't wait, leave NOW! (American Horror Story)

77. Cocaine is a hell of a drug (Anger Management)

76. Everything works well until management gets involved (Are you being served?)

75. 5th Graders sure can be smug bastards (Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?)

74. A playboy who looks like they can bench press a truck is obviously hiding something (Arrow)

73. When you wear red on the beach, you run at half speed (Baywatch)

72. Being dead is no barrier to enjoying yourself (Being Human)

71. Never rely on idiots to do an evil schemers job (Blackadder)

70. To get away with murder, use nuclear weapons from the next country over. If you even fart near the crime scene then you're gone.. (Bones)

69. In the future all horses will carry blunderbusses (BraveStarr)

68. The world does not need anymore shows about celebrities stepping out of their comfort zone. Especially if it involves diving. No, just no. (Celebrity Splash)

67. If you know that at some stage during your hot date a big burly bloke in a leather jacket holder a candle will suddenly interrupt it, you probably should've had the date somewhere else (Chains of Love)

66. What's worse than an unreal host? An animated one (David Tench)

65. A killer personality can be lethal (Dollhouse)

64. The days where you could hose people down with firehoses full of whiskey and vodka... Well they were great days indeed (Don't forget your toothbrush)

63. It's not how big it is on the outside, it's what's inside that counts (Dr Who)

62. When aliens attack, stick by the nearest history teacher. (Falling Skies)

61. Never hire anyone you can't understand (Fawlty Towers)

60. Never mess with a man who has a girls name. Never mess with the same guy if his favourite gun has a girl's name. (Firefly)

59. Sexually Transmitted Disease Bingo seems to be a real game (Geordie Shore)

58. It's perfectly okay to fight against evil in just your undies (He Man and The Masters Of The Universe)

57. Most head chefs are nuts (Hells Kitchen)

56. You can cause a heart attack via remote control (Homeland)

55. There is no such thing as a mundane week in a hospital. There's always something exotic to keep things interesting (House)

54. Sometimes you really shouldn’t do things without your Friends  (Joey)

53. A show about being famous for being famous is actually a terrible idea for a show full stop (Keeping up with the Kardashians)


 52. Don't waste your breath, you just can't con a con (Leverage)

51. Never play poker with an expert in body language (Lie to Me)

50. You can make a nuclear weapon out of a toilet roll, two hairs and a bag of frozen peas (Macguyver)

49. Worse comes to worse, you can swill your own urine (Man vs Wild)

48. Only a monkey born of an egg from a mountain top can be 'irrepressible!' (Monkey Magic)

47. Science is best proved with the use of explosives (Mythbusters)

46. Just because you've lived next to someone for years, it doesn't mean they're trustworthy (Neighbors)

45. A dysfunctional family with superpowers is still dysfunctional (No Ordinary Family)

44. You can do amazing things with numbers. But they won't stop you from getting shot. They're not that amazing (Numb3rs)

43. A prison named after a mythical place is still a horrible place to end up in (Oz)

42. There's an expert on everything no matter what you're trying to sell (Pawn Stars)

41. Don't ever reveal your illegal plans over the phone. Or near a camera. Only conduct business in the middle of the desert. Or better yet, underwater (Person of interest)

40. It is possible to take a rough looking car and make it look horrendously worse (Pimp My Ride)

39. Everything you've taken for granted in history is actually incorrect (QI)

38. Holograms make the most irritating team mates (Red Dwarf)

37. If you have a twin, one of you must be completely off the rails while the other is wildly successful in comparison (Ringer)

36. A game show is only as good as its energising host (Rockwiz)

35. Everything old can be made into something new again, although there's a big chance it will fall to pieces at the worst possible time (Scrapheap Challenge)

34. Choose your enemies carefully. Then destroy them in creative ways they'll never see coming (Sons of Anarchy)

33. Sometimes it's the people from industries you don't follow that turn out to be the funniest of all (Spicks N Specks)

 32. Your tame neighbours might be a lot more interesting than you think (The Americans)

31. If you're competing with nine or more other blokes for the attention of just one woman, you really are desperate (The Bachelorette)

30. Even hopeless nerds can get laid. It just takes a few seasons longer than most (Big Bang Theory)

29. The secret to losing weight is by starting out stubborn, bawling your eyes out and then reluctantly trying exercise (The Biggest Loser)

28. Most computer problems can be solved by turning it off and on again (The IT Crowd)

27. In a show where you have to find the traitor, it's never the oldest contestant. But they make the most natural mistakes which leads to a lot of accusations their way anyway.. (The Mole)

26. Your average office can be quite humorous. Especially if your boss is an arse (The Office)

25. It's good to be King. Most of the time (The Tudors)

24. There's no such thing as a singer without a sob story (The Voice)

23. Plans always seem to come together much better when you've got a dirty great cigar hanging out your gob (The A Team)

22. There is a warm home out there for the failures and dregs of society. The guy in charge however is a complete nutter, not that the inmates seem to notice.. (The Jerry Springer Show)

21. You can have just as much fun with a cheap car as you can with an expensive one depending on what you're doing with it (Top Gear)

20. It's better to live a couple of minutes out of town than in the middle of it (Under The Dome)

19. If someone new moves into your neighbourhood and you suddenly find your whole life being flushed down the can, there's a more than likely chance they're involved somehow.. (Revenge)

18. You meet lots of gorgeous women when you're an architect (How I met your mother)

17. The more coffee you drink, the tougher a man you become. Oh and it helps if you were in the army too but still... (NCIS)

16. When people who live in the area you're promoting suddenly turn around and say 'Hey wait a minute, we're not like these idiots at all' then you're not off to a great start (The Shire)

15. Chicken never cooks fully in a TV kitchen when the pressure is on (Masterchef)

14. Most problems can be solved with a steel chair (WWE)

13. A LOT can go wrong in a room full of drunk women and a swimming pool (Man O Man)

12. You can have the body like a Spartan Warrior and still be considered a geek. Somehow. (Beauty and the Geek)

11. Not everyone famous makes a great chat host... (Warnie)

10. If you need the help of a TV show to find a husband, you really are looking for love in all the wrong places... (Yasmin's getting married)

9. If you need the help of a TV show to find a wife, you really are looking for love in all the wrong places... (Please Marry My Boy)

8. Deja Vu - If you need the help of a TV show to find a wife, you really are looking for love in all the wrong places... (The Farmer Wants a Wife)

7. DIY looks super easy! Even though it's completely the opposite in reality (The Block)

6. Some people really need less than 5 minutes of fame, let alone 15.. (Hotdogs Up Late)

5. Shows involving music only work when the music on the show actually sounds like music. And not a pocket calculator (Keynotes)

4. Being rich does not mean you have taste (Brynne: My bedazzled life) 

3. The worst jokes are the ones that get explained to you (Australia's funniest home videos)

2. Sometimes those things you grew up with are best left forgotten (The Bob Morrison Show) (And special mention: Hey Dad)

1. Apparently everyone you know and love, every person you meet, anyone you work with, anyone you grew up with, anyone you chatted to on Facebook or rode the bus to work with or passed in the street on the way home or you saw from a train window - well they're all cheating the system. And it's only a matter of time before they're discovered (A Current Affair AND Today Tonight!)


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