Monday, July 15, 2013

This means Formal War

On the idiot box the other day a promo flashed up for a new show called Formal Wars - basically you take a kid in high school preparing for their awesome school formal or social and then move complete control of every decision they'll ever make for the big night...over to the parents. That means the outfit, the mode of transportation and even the date will be decided by mum and dad. No ifs or buts, like it or lump it.

Darling, your pink tank has arrived...
Personally I feel this show will be quite hilarious (and a damn sight better than celebrities learning to fall into a pool) as plenty of school kids put more focus on preparing for a school formal for one night than they do in earning a formal education over the space of half a decade.
It also got me thinking what might happen if I got involved in taking control of my own son's decisions come formal time (in roughly 16 years or so...) - and how to make it so much more entertaining than my own already amusing formal history...


If I had control over the outfit: I'd dress Jackson up as lethal looking as James Bond so that the formal waiting staff will be practically throwing shaken martini's at him all night.

Looking good Almigo Jnr!
Obviously I'd have to pack him a stick to bat all the other ladies away with and maybe a few lessons in unarmed combat wouldn't go astray due to all the friction from jealous male partners he'll undoubtedly cause.
This also means he won't steal any of my suits (either of the two I have) and he'll be well prepared if a high speed car chase suddenly breaks out.

What I was wearing: Since my dad at the time was well over 6 foot and built like a rampaging viking (with a blaze of red hair to boot), throwing on one of his suits would be like trying to wear a canvas pool cover. Hence the sudden need to go suit shopping. Luckily there was a discount suit shop a few blocks from our house that sold suits so cheap, they wouldn't look out of place at a juvenile delinquents court appearance.

Hey that's my suit!

Since the black one's didn't fit, I opted a deep blue that would've looked great on an 80's couch. It was still a couple of sizes too big however but worked out well in hiding the hip flask of bourbon I snuck in.
It cost me $30 - even the ticket to the formal was more expensive than my outfit.

Unsurprisingly the suit shop closed it's doors forever 2 months later. Probably because the suits were so sharp they caused internal injuries.

If I had control over the ride: Regular limo? Mundane. Hummer? Starting to become overdone. Pink stretch hummer? Nauseating.
No what I feel my son and his lovely date would enjoy being cheauffered around in would be something a little out of the ordinary compared to the stereotypical limo choices that everyone else will rock up, something they could seat comfortably in the back of, something that isn't a slow crawling show pony and something that would make other parents slightly jealous that they didn't think of such a sleek and awesome choice first.
The FD3S/FC3S isn't comfortable in the back and the SC300/400 doesn't have that much room in the rear once the seats are put back. While a WRX and Evo could get them there (and quickly) it's not a formal rally challenge so they're out. There'll already be plenty of Commodore's and Falcons so lets try something different. Ultimately we need something 4 door, fast, luxurious and memorable. Which would be:

Ahh much better!
An Aston Martin Rapide! A 4 door Aston with luxury and performance? Sure, the kids will love it (not to mention me driving it)! And by the time Jackson gets to formal age, this will be even more of a classic car! God only knows where I'll find one for the big occasion in 2029 but that's my problem not yours.

What I arrived in: A sunburst orange Datsun 200B driven by my best mates mum which had the power of a gutted slug and the desirability of a crushed gutted slug seasoned with a sprinkling of oregano. There was nothing sexy about being crammed into the back of this tiny datto before piling out unceremoniously at the formal hall's front door so we were thankful it was dark when we arrived and not many people could see us.

Worst limo ever!
The second time around was in a funky smelling yellow taxi. Nowhere near as romantic as a Joni Mitchell song would suggest unless you're a kinky taxi driver and we didn't hang around in the cab long enough to find out if he was.

If I had control over the date: Someone foxy with a killer wit and incredibly sharp mind to boot. Someone who knows that history doesn't mean what you read last year on Facebook. A head turner, whip smart superstar who isn't a superficial airhead diva and who would happily accompany my (hopefully by then) gentlemanly son to his school formal.
Basically the daughter of Natalie Portman.

Please have a daughter

The good thing is that I have quite some time to move my family to Ms Portman's neighborhood.

Who was my date?: Amazingly (shocking I know) I was dateless the first time around so I was accompanied by a lovely but taken lass by the name of Joanna. She was drop dead gorgeous but it's a bit of a let down when you're dressed to impress and your date is already spoken for. Still it was miles better than turning up by myself while the rest of my mates chatted away with their partner for the night.

Amazing but true
The second time around? A different Joanna who was already seeing someone at the time. Gorgeous to boot as well but seriously, how did I develop a habit of going to social occasions with taken ladies?

So over to you know - if you had control over your child's formal what would you have as the outfit, the ride and the date? Let us know!

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