Sunday, August 18, 2013

Gold Rush South America - replace bears with rebels

Wow, has it come to this stage of the year already? When we tune into the annual adventures of Todd Hoffman and his merry band of hopeful miners in their crazed gold prospecting adventures?
It sure is!

And before you can say 'Wow this must be rating it's ass off to command a big budget this time around - Todd has decided to throw in a giant mechanics toolbox worth of spanners into the plan and move the entire mining operation to some of the most lethal places of the world.
Because freezing cold, wayward machinery and bears on heat in the Yukon wasn't enough bang for your viewing buck apparently...(or more likely Todd's gone insane with gold lust)...
If you're wondering where you've read about Todd before on this page, it was here as he earned himself a spot in our top five laziest people on TV - halfheartedly commanding his team of rookies not to kill each other and somehow find gold in that order. 
This time around he's worked out it's a lot more cost effective not to take a full team of carpenters, mechanics and bear experts on scouting missions and has instead opted to fly with just his best builder, his best gold expert and to add some random ying to their yang, his dear old 800 year old father is tagging along too.
Figuring the gold in their own backyard wasn't sufficient enough to let their kids drive around in gold plated Mercedes, Todd and co have instead decided in strange gold lust logic that maximum chance of death somehow equals maximum chance of wealth and in the first few episodes has been failing spectacularly to find a claim worth tearing to pieces around South America.
Yes South America, home of Cuban's, Chilli Con Carne some of the finest drinks involving drunk worms the world over.  
However the failure he's currently experiencing is not due to the lack of places to fire up a digger, it's more the things that seem to want to mount Team Todd's heads to the wall. If you're new to this season, allow me to list the dangers in no particular order:


Er...these guys seem to do okay..
The local claims experts must be chortling inwardly when they receive a call from one T Hoffman inquiring about a workable claim as they all seem to know of one...a billion miles from anywhere. That doesn't stop the team driving hundreds of miles through the middle of nowhere, riding on agonizingly slow donkeys through the mountains of nowhere, chugging on oxygen tanks because they're 9000 miles straight up, fording through rivers full of hungry testicle chomping wildlife and machetting through acres of jungle.
All to find out that a) The possible site is too lethal to mine for some reason b) It's been mined already and the helpful guide merely forgot c) No one has actually worked out a way to get a massive mining operation in the middle of nowhere.
Plus we don't see too many local hospitals on the way if things go wrong on the top of hell mountain.


South Ameican's Laguna Seca

In some of the mining towns and areas in South America it seems the roads were merely an afterthought after the holes were dug and the beer tent was erected. Which explains why the always angry God of Dirt Roads seems to command a bus sacrifice anytime the Gold Rush team drives by. This could also have something to do with some kamikaze driving possibly but we're going to be blaming the roads this time around as the ones to the mountains are covered with vehicle carcasses like a bad rash. 
Wisely Todd decides running big trucks back and forth (and ultimately squashing anything on the tiny road that isn't one of his big trucks) would not be safe. Or someone from Operating Health and Safety told him that they didn't have enough camera people to keep the God of Dirt Roads happy and they'd have to mine somewhere else.


Hang around long enough to meet these guys..

Imagine walking into a big club full of drunk bikies, grabbing all the balls off their cherished pool table, announcing 'These are mine and there's nothing you can do about it' and them attempting to walk out again. Well this is how many rebels, local militia members and angry farmers with machete to grind feel about Americans rolling in to take their gold. So when the equivalent of every chapter of the Sons of Anarchy from around the world all seem to be blocking the road right after your first foray into a jungle claim, it's best to back away slowly to the hotel, grab your gear and get the hell out of Dodge.


So you're on the beach and you don't have a wash plant? Build one! That's just a mere $2000 in parts from your local hardware store to prove that...ah...the guide was wrong, there's not enough gold to plate a cigar case let alone a CL Merc.
Need an excavator to test a claim in the jungle? Well the local villages have one but obviously someone there took a masters degree in business and charges Todd a whopping 6K to take his new digger for a spin for only 48 hours. Bargain!
The rate they're spending coin on these things and donkey hire, they're probably end up out of pocket before they even dig up something worth cashing in. 

Still for all the bumbling around and close encounters to death, it's essential viewing in this house...


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