Monday, April 28, 2014

Guess who isn't coming to dinner? (My Kitchen Rules)

Well tonight's the night - after what feels like this particular season has gone on for around 8 years, we'll finally find out who wins My Kitchen Rules Australia. Which will thrill my wife to no end and will cheer me up as I will no longer have the urge to fling the couch at the screen when I hear Manu blag on about having more sauce.

Not enough sauce.

Chef hats off to the producers though as they've done exceptionally well this year in casting some of the most hated and grating contestants they could find to really get my distaste of cooking shows well roasted. Seriously, if drinking games involving cringe-worthy moments were mandatory in watching episodes of MKR then my liver would have thrown up the white flag of defeat before the series even kicked off.

I mean after watching all the moaning and backstabbing on the show, the carrying on and the tears, the name calling and behind the back boot sinking - would you invite any of the contestants around for a home cooked parma and chips with Chocolate Pudding for dessert?

Any of them at all?

Well today I've decided I'd find out if I would. Who from the cast of My Kitchen Rules 2014 would make the cut for an Almigo free for all steak and mixed grill buffet at Casa De House of Pain? Let the seating arrangements begin...

(Now before we start the casting of votes and gnashing of teeth, I must admit that I didn't follow this series nearly as religiously as my wife did and therefore I've probably forgotten how fun or furious some of the earlier teams were. Feel free to point out anything ground breaking I've missed in a comment below)

CATHY AND ANNA - aka Undercover Boss



What could possibly go wrong with a mother and daughter team? Well everything really when the daughter wears every single pair of pants the family has ever owned. Poor Anna - having been around since the invention of porcelain she did have a fair grasp on lots of things but couldn't get a word in sideways when the blonde bombshell pipe-bombed her latest opinion/decision. And rather than fire up herself, Cathy took things on board with a stoic look and just got back to what she loved, cooking quietly and hoping her daughter didn't have something to say. Apparently they hailed from a cattle farm where Anna obviously bossed the cows into submission on a daily basis.

Would I invite them for dinner?: No thanks, nobody bosses me in my own kitchen. Even if the dessert ends up looking like a roast lamb on occasion.


HARRY AND CHRISTO - Aka Two looks no cooks




After their elimination rumors abounded that Team Bachelor were more on the show for eye candy reasons than actual cooking ability (how the Captain made the cut then is anyone's guess). All I remember is they loved their mum and had personalities like fence posts - which in a show were other contestants were as irritating as an out of control buzz saw was actually a pleasant relief. One of the nicer teams that couldn't cook in a show that was funnily enough about cooking. But hey, you don't need to be able to cook when you look sharp apparently.

Would I invite them for dinner?: Possibly. Only if they looked a bit shabbier than on the show. My wife has me cooking occasionally and that's more than enough eye candy for one lucky lady.


JESS AND FELIX - aka Thanks for playing



Who? They claim to be strong personalities but I'll be buggered if I remember a single thing about them. It's like those horses in the Melbourne Cup rated at 100-1 that won't actually do anything in the race...but since you ended up with them in a sweep, you're praying that something happens (or they run last and you get your sweep money back..)

Would I invite them round for dinner?: No. 'Were you even on MKR?' might not be the best icebreaker.


JOSH AND DANIELLE - aka Wait, what was I watching?




Er...this is going well - I don't remember these too either. That might bode well though as obviously during their time they never achieved anything cringe worthy, horrifying or mind numbingly awful enough to register on my radar.
Did they make enough sauce? No idea.

Would I invite them round for dinner?: Nope. The only strangers I like at my door are the ones holding my tax return cheque.


DEB AND RICK - Aka Team Wash My Mind With Acid



Remember when the Hart Foundation Tag Team was a big thing but people worked out that Bret The Hitman Hart could actually wrestle well and cut a mean promo while Jim The Anvil Neidhart was really good at just standing around and laughing like a lunatic? Bret went on to be World champ a few times and I'm not sure what happened to the Anvil.
In this case Deb became the Naughty Nanna (which conjures up horrifying thoughts) and Rick...erm...went back for another beer?
I can't remember any highlights apart from her getting labelled 'Naughty' which is more than enough reason for me not to invite them round for a dessert involving whipped cream and/or cherries.

Would they be invited around for a feed?: No. If Deb got one too many sherries into her we'd all be in for a non stop ride straight to mental hell.


CARLY AND TRESNE - aka Team Pearly Whites




A magazine revealed these two were in a relationship. Cue the world pointing out what year it was and that nobody actually gave a stuffed fig about someone's relationship status when it came to things in the kitchen as it has less than zero bearing on cooking prowess. Nice try for sensationalism there random magazine.
They were nice and positive in a show that prided themselves on being nasty so points for being so bright and bubbly I guess. I do recall that their positive attitude did get a little grinding towards the end though...

Would they be invited for a fry up?: Only if they toned down the motivational speeches. At least they wouldn't sink the verbal boots into the other guests when they weren't looking...


ANDREW AND EMELIA - Aka Where did you go?




Attempted to put Canberra on the map but eliminated in Episode 6. Someone had to be first we guess..

Come round for dinner?: No - I wouldn't know what to talk about. 'So...only a week hey?'


ANNIE AND JASON - aka My Dairy Rules




They loved cheese. Cheese, cheese, cheese and more cheese. Edam and gouda and blue vein and cheese. Mature cheese and soft cheese and home made cheeses. Oh god I love cheese and these two looked like a fun couple with a love of fresh produce (preferably cheese). I don't recall them being particularly nasty or bitchy or controversial (this is a very good thing) - I do recall one couple grumbling that they didn't like cheese - sucks to be them then.

How bout dinner?: Love to. But only if you bring some more yummy cheeses from your barn cafe...


UEL AND SHANELLE - Aka Nice Teams Never Win



One of the only saving graces in the team selections were these two who looked like a lovely couple, could cook and bowed out of the competition gracefully. She was a little meek and mild when put in the head chef role but it shouldn't count as it's 'My Kitchen Rules' not 'Feed hungry people out of a truck and try not to have a meltdown in the middle of it Rules'.
Happy, not bitchy and had ability. Therefore they never stood a chance. Pity.

Dinner at mine?: Absolutely.


THALIA AND BIANCA - Aka Team 13



Oh the two 13 year olds (okay okay, I know they're 20 and 21 but go with me here..) I had to rack my brain for a moment to recall what they did on the show and all I could remember was being repeatedly told how they were the youngest team. And something about olive crackers but then I went back to my book. I remember them last somewhere near the end but yep, they've obviously stood out magnificently in my mind.

How bout dinner then?: Yeah, an invite to a single pair of ladies in their early 20s. Do you want my wife to kill me or should I do it myself?


DAVID AND CORINE - aka Team Busted TV



You could practically hear the champagne corks popping, fists bumping and the massive round of high fives around the production office when David and Corine finally signed the dotted line. It wasn't because they couldn't cook to save themselves, no, it was the fact that he was one of the most irritating personalities the show has ever spawned and he proved that he wasn't backwards in being forwards when it came to rubbing anyone within earshot completely the wrong way. A television producers wet dream really.
He told awful jokes that spontaneously combusted halfway out of his mouth.
His impressions were awful.
He criticized anything that moved and anything that didn't. And everything in between. Then he gave it another tongue lashing to make sure it was well and truly blasted.
He sunk more knives in people's efforts than a sword factory being dropped in the ocean.
He pissed and moaned more than awful porn involving urine.
Did we mention he couldn't cook? The rest of the table discovered that when they waited for nine hours between courses. After the 287 previous hours of boasting about how great he'd be.
The overshadowed Corine could have set fire to the other contestants literally and no one watching would notice as we were way too busy hissing our disbelief that someone that purely godawful would be gracing our screens. I'm getting a bad taste (like his food) just writing about him. Ugh.
Well played selection committee, well played.

Dinner?: Bahahahahaha, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PAUL AND BLAIR - aka Team Walk the Walk



One of the (very) few teams I actually wanted to see do well on this show simply because these boys knuckled down, cooked up a storm and didn't come out looking like desperate catty bastards clawing for their 15 minutes of fame in every single episode. They provided decent criticism, they cooked their hearts out, they won plenty of accolades and had lots of fans from the very start. Plus with their cool, calm and collected nature they honestly looked like a couple of blokes you'd happily have around at your next bbq without a single care in the world. In fact they'd probably take over the cooking side of things leaving you to enjoy your big bucket of beers. Top blokes really.

Would they get an invite to dinner though?: Sure would, they'd be great company.



HELENA AND VICKI - Aka Team Twinsies Aka Team Twinsies..




I'm sure these two turned up for the auditions of Beauty and the Geek and wandered into the wrong studio by accident before being cast as experts in all things cooked by Greek Grandparents and hilariously little else. According to the twinys they shared one brain (and obviously one shade of bright pink lipstick) and wouldn't be there without the help of the other. So in theory, two scarecrows from the Wizard of Oz with Toto calling out all the directions. Not a fan of anything that wasn't their own cooking, anything cooked in Greek cuisine (or things that didn't look like Manu) their rivalry with Chloe and Kelly was slightly interesting right up til the point when they were out cooked by the most boring team in history. Which would be like Superman and Doomsday lining up for a fight to end all fights for the fate of the world and then Superman is told he has to sit down and is replaced by David Tench. Incredibly annoying whenever on screen, the producers would have been chuffed that they made it so far with so many hilarious adventures along the way.

How about dinner?: Er...did I mention how insufferably annoying they are to watch?


BREE AND JESSICA - Aka no Dinner No Cry




So far I've pointed out how exciting Harry and Christo were on this series...well compared to these two, Haz and Chrisface look like wild haired rock stars surfing a scud missile into the Playboy mansion. Talk about boring sprinkled with blank looks. No wait, talk about tearful. Because there were a lot of blank looks and a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. Any time anything went pear shaped (that wasn't a pair) one of them would break down like a well flogged rotary engine. Which became super boring after a while and I'm sure the reason they made the final was that no one really noticed them standing in the back until it was too late. Good on them for lasting so long I guess but I wasn't the only one hoping two mad as cut snakes teams would be in the grand final and not team fence post taking on team shut up already.
If they win, they'll bawl. If they lose, they'll bawl. My wife will probably do the same. Gah, enough already.

Crack an invite to dinner?: Not if they blub at the end of it..


CHLOE AND KELLY - Aka Team We Get It, Shut Up Already




Saved the best til last? Hardly. However I did save the most transformed team til last though as they started off as two girls who had visited 9 billion countries (apparently) with the ability to annoy at will and ended up in the grand final as two girls who have visted 9 billion countries, annoyed just about every one in this country alone and somehow made it til the end with their claws so far out, the camera crew couldn't help but trip over them. You couldn't get more catty if you injected them both with feline DNA and the camera loved to catch up on their latest snide remarks and (according to a protest group and the official MRK page on Facebook) bullying tactics. As memorable characters go they've really put the mug back into smug and I can't help but want to throw furntiure at the screen whenever one came on to point out what another team was doing wrong while the other grinned like a buzzard over a fresh carcass.
Boy was I disapointed when I found out these two would be up against the mums. Not that I claim to be the biggest fan of the show (otherwise I would have remember a few more of the earlier teams) but if I have to watch it for the sake of my better half, I'd much rather a dramatic battle to the end rather than a team I loathe to watch against a team I really couldn't care about. May the best chef win yada yada and may they stay away from tv for quite some time for the sake of my tv, my couch and my sanity.

So it's no to a meal then: No chance of an invite. Never. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. NO.

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