5 movies in 5 minutes (and what to drink with them)

Ahh it's June Flashback time. And once upon a time I thought it might be a good idea to try my hand...as a movie reviewer.

This looks interesting...

 
You know in the quest to be a highly paid movie reviewer who can make or break a film with just a flexing of their wit, I could spend hours pouring over the source material provided by studios, study up on the Internet Movie Database and throw in words such as 'Elegantly erotic', 'Juxtaposition transfiguration metaphor' and 'avoid like the plague.'
 

Or because I'm not the above, I could just give you a sentence or two about 5 movies and in 5 minutes you can hightail it to the rental place. Plus I'll throw in a drink suggestion.

Yeah lets do that.

SERAPHIM FALLS

Beard, James Beard.

One American Civil War veteran chases another from mountaintops to deserts to right a wrong during war time. Only all is not what it seems. Also stars the evil bloke from The Crow.

Is it worth watching: Yep.

What to drink while watching: Raw whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

*****

RED

Bruce Willis is a retired agent who's still ridiculously dangerous and marked for death, so he teams up with his pension help desk operator and other old agents to blow shit up. John Malkovitch is incredibly funny.

  

Is it worth watching?: Absolutely.

What to drink while watching?: Vodka. And talk like you're Russian.

*****

FIVE GIRLS

Not Ron's best choice...

Five misfit girls in a prison like religious boarding school, headmistress a big fan of demons and her long lost sister. Ron Pearlman wasted in this.

Is it worth watching?: Only if you're a demon yourself.

What to drink while watching it?: Anything but a Bloody Mary. Or Holy Water.

*****

RISE OF THE FOOTSOLDIER

My hair is great, innit?

The bloody tale of Carlton Leach, from footy hooligan right through to crime kingpin. Strong British accents, lots of people get hurt, a bit of soccer.

Is it worth watching: Sure, unless Carlton is after you for some reason.

What to drink while watching it: Pints. Lots n lots o pints.

*****

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS

Awful. Who knew?

Pretty self explanatory this one.

Is it worth watching?: Not at all.

What you should drink while watching?: Your own tears and anything shred of dignity you had left..