Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Help! The machines are trying to talk to me!

I was just replying to my 2765th work email of the day when my mobile went off displaying 'Private number'. When this happens, it's usually one of three possible callers - a) My mum b) the boss or c) that damn Hotel I stayed at back in 1998 that still wants me to sign up to their loyalty program where I get a free mint on my pillow for every $100 I spend, regardless of the fact that I haven't set foot in the place since 1998.

Rated 5 stars in Dirtbag Reviews

No this time around it was from Skynet. Whoops, I mean my local telecommunications service. And after it was over I'd have much rather have chatted to the machines hell bent on John Conner and all humanities destruction...

It started with a computer voice that quickly informed me that it was an important message from Miles Dyson Skynet The Doom from the Future my phone company and no, they weren't trying to sell me anything. This was a very smart move on their part as as soon as any company tries to sell me anything I'm not even remotely in the market for, my shields automatically fly up at lightning speed and I become a human/armadillo hybrid, reflecting hot offers with amazing agility.

Keep listening, we'll explain what we're doing really soon...

So I hung on for a few moments more and got my first menu option:

If your name is Almigo, please press one.

Well that's a pretty useless menu, as I suspect I'm the only one on their system who has that name!
(Yes I know it's a tailor made option for my phone number. You must be new here ;)

It was quickly followed up with another question about yours truly:

If you were born in 1980, please press one.

I was born the the year that cars ran on pure sex appeal alone.

So good so far and I was mildly excited that because I was answering all of my questions about me correctly, I was undoubtedly in line for an awesome prize. Like my mortgage paid off ala House Rules, my car pimped out ala Pimp My Car or maybe a bowl of soup like ala a door prize nobody actually wants.

Please key in your birthday as a four digit code now.

I did and uncovered some incredible automated message treasure!

Your mobile phone account is overdue and you owe $88.75. Please choose from the following options for this payment...

Yes, amazingly a machine called me not once but twice (I have two overdue accounts) and made me answer questions about myself to ensure that it was me, and only me, that got the stunning news... that I owed them some money. No piece of paper stamped with a massive red stamp anymore, no giant skip tracer leering happily on my doorstep. No the machines need their monies for...er...(batteries?) something and they're not going to wait around for this sack of flesh, blood and raw emotion to get off his human bum and actually remember. 

Pay your bills if you want to live!

Oh god oh god oh god the cyborg revolution has begun!

(If anyone needs me I'll be in my internet less cabin in the woods, lying in wait with my shotgun, kept warm by my rampant paranoia..)


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