Saturday, December 13, 2014

Tis the season for complete apathy

Boy oh boy has the bah humbug bug bitten hard this year.

A CBF Xmas.


No no not me, I love Christmas!

It was a glorious day in sunny Bendigo and Father Jovious of the Forgotten Children of the Chipped Apex Seal Orphanage had tasked me with buying some supplies for the annual gift throwing and cheese dunking fundraising festival. I could just picture the joy on little Timmy's face when he tucked into a big bowl of capers and semi dried tomatoes for Christmas. Little Mary would finally get that bottle of whole egg mayonnaise she'd been asking Santa for all year and the brothers of the Eternal Swole would absolutely cherish the latest copy of Men's Health.
I had fueled up the crusader wagon with hopes and dreams and drove to that wonderful bastion of brotherhood, Coles on McIvor Road. My holy mission was to come back with a boot load of joy come hell or high prices.

Father Crazious


And so I hit the beaming isles of this 'Super market' with a pep in my step, a glint in my eye and joy in my heart as my blessed trolley slowly filled with the finest of pasta sauces. And while there were people who leapt for joy as they watched me help those kids who one day dreamed of a Christmas table full of aioli, little did I know that merely around the corner shopped the dreadest grinch of grinches.

Born from the hellfires of grumpiness, this creature had roamed the earth for unknown centuries, causing untold angst in supermarkets the world over. And in a direct attack on my very sensibilities, her next move really grinded my gasket sealer. She was hovering her foul appendages over the carefully arranged cucumber section that some supermarket servant had toiled over for hours. Her purpose unknown, she was possibly purchasing said cucumbers to prevent the hardworking people of this world from experiencing the joy of a Christmas cucumber this year, truth be told.
Whatever her reasons, she delved in deep into the pile of crisply wrapped fresh cucumbers, pulled out her prize and completely ignored the laws of physics and the role of humanity to care for their fellow man as the remaining cucumbers shifted and in a couple of cases, fell.

About this many fell. True story.

Yes my heart sank as cucumbers crashed to the floor in mad abandon after her hamfisted selection. And yet she paid them no heed. In a massive middle finger to me and the rest of society, she rolled on by with her asbestos lined cart and completely ignored the carnage surrounding her, more concerned on her next possible attack on the produce section.
While she didn't speak directly to me, I have it on good authority that was probably saying something along the lines of 'F*** cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes and CHRISTMAS!'
"Will someone please think of the children!' I roared as I rushed to the stand and valiantly volunteered to put the lost cucumbers back home. Onlookers looked onwards as I pushed myself to restore order into the cucumber chaos. I had no idea where the evil witch had moved onto but judging by the insane cackling, she was possibly hassling the eggs.

Destroying supermarket shelves near you.

At long last I had cleaned up the damage - if the choir of the blessed hip hop cover song had been near they probably would have serenaded my incredible work. And while my faith almost wavered through this saga, my resolve held strong as I pictured the charges of the orphanage getting a little silly from Mrs McKenzie's rum cake.

I finished my shopping, wished the overworked teller a truly heartfelt merry Christmas and left the wonderful building ready to spread some more festival cheer, grinches be damned. Merry Christmas dear reader and seasons greetings to your family from mine.*

*Events might have happened slightly differently. But seriously people if you drop something in the supermarket, pick it up. It's just common courtesy. 

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