Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Transformers: The last Knight. Can we make this the last one, please?

Imagine a shiny new Lamborghini that was completely gutted on the inside with everything taken out and then had an ancient sewerage processing facility installed in its place.
This is a very apt description of Transformers: The Last Knight - you're impressed by the box but honestly deep down you know that this film is going to be chock a block full of turds..

Bare with me as we wade through this incredible mess...

So what's this one about?

(Don't worry, no spoilers here. No matter what I write today, it couldn't cover everything out of place that happens during this thing.)

Erm...it's very confusing. Knights. Oh and a rubbish wizard, something about a submarine, some transformers, a terrible love story, planets, end of the world and oh god, I don't even know. It's so over the place you couldn't hold it in place with a glue factory. Mark Wahlberg shows up and does something. Anthony Hopkins brings some ham, his robot brings a fish.

Right, now that I've given the plot the maximum amount of attention it deserves, lets pick out what I liked (not a very long list) and the massive list of everything else that didn't.


Things that impressed me:

- Josh Dumahls haircut. There's a scene early on where it looks like you could launch a decent sized rocket off the top of his head. That's a very dedicated hairdresser with a vat of industrial strength hair fudge on set!

- Drift the Autobot. Ignoring the fact that he is a samurai that turns into a very un-Japanese Mercedes of all things, he does have an amazing paint job. Why couldn't he be something like a Lexus perhaps? Because they used that for the army to look menacing in.

- The joke about BBWs. I chuckled. That didn't happen very often.

- Cade's hand cannon. No not a euphemism, his pistol that packs more punch that half of the Decepticons.

- Anthony Hopkins. Why he was here was anyone's guess but he hammed up every second more than the Christmas table at a piggery. Such a shame that his confusing character had as much depth as empty clam shell kiddy pool and that he was drop shipped right in the middle of a godawful mess but his ham held up just fine.

-The Citroen transformer. Finally, a classic car represented rather than yet another new model that car manufacturers think we really want to buy in the hope that it does transform. Somehow. Still waiting for a 1989 Rx7 Transformer but this is an okay start.

My scanners report a deep lack of story here

Things that made me let out a groan, like the dog just farted under the dinner table: 

- The rubbish acting. It's truly terrible. I'm not expecting Oscar worthy performances from a Transformers movie (nor is anyone really) but this has more wood than a pine plantation. Mark especially.

- Anything under 3 feet or over 10 feet would make truly awful jokes.

- The Bud Light product placement. Please make it more obvious if you can next time. Cheers. God I feel like a Bud Light right now.

- The last Autobots on the planet where giant robots are outlawed act like a bunch of hyped up kindergarten kids. Get your shit together robots, there's a war on!

- The stereotypical arrogant idiot in the White House.

I'm still not sure why she's here.

- So they blow up Autobots on sight but imprison Decepticons? Why?

- Optimus Prime flipping sides like a hot pancake. Well there goes your humanitarian robot of the century award then.

- Dreadbot is a bank robber? What was he planning to spend the money he stole on?

- The Hip Hop slang half the robots use.

- If the Citroen can transform into a Lamborghini, why can't every other robot just change their appearance at will too? Surely this would make them much harder to find if they all looked like VW Golfs.

- Hot Rod's over the top accent.

- Cogman rapping Ludacris. Just no.

Wait...am I watching Alien Covenant again?

And finally the things that made me feel like I'd just consumed a full pint of coolant.

-Mohawk the Decepticon. Ugh. Another yappy loudmouth noise machine that lasts all of ten minutes. Enough already.

 - Cogman looks to be made out of those tiny tin music box parts. How he has the strength to bend back robot fingers is beyond me. 

- The continuity is completely off the scale. Hey look, I've just put this new arm on the little robot! Next shot, aww it's gone. But then it's back again.
Hey look, this tank transformed into a bot that's falling to pieces. No wait, next shot it's a tank again. Oh well.
The continuity guy took the year off I think due to stress leave.

Go home robot, you're drunk!

- Megatron looked to be as effective as a thrown egg trying to slow down a rampaging tank. What happened to the good guy tearing terror machine we all know and love? Someone install his metal testicles back please. 

- There's so many massive plot holes that you could wedge an angry planet through. Let's start this massive fight at the junkyard allowing time for the good guys to get away. Nope, we're out of time so we'll ignore it completely. The same auto bots appear near the end just fine so did the fight happen? Did the good and bad guys shake hands behind the scenes and move on? 

- The incredibly convoluted and messy story. Watch it and see a) if you can work out what's going on yourself and b) why it was so hard to come up with a plot description for this thing.

For those attempting to watch this yourself, I salute thee!


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