I'm the guy who made the mini hot dogs..

I'm off to a wedding next month where I think I'm a groomsman. Or maybe the MC. Actually it might be both. Come back next week and I might also be the groom and the catering crew.

Apparently it's one of those weddings where everything changes with the eb and flow of the local tides, how in alignment the moons are on any given night and how many druids are getting sloshed at the local watering hole. We're talking the location, the ceremony, the guest list, the guest rolls, the type of beers, the floor covering, everything. By the time the happy couple's first anniversary roles around, I might have finally figured out what role I'm going to play on the big day.

At the last wedding I went to I was tasked with ringing the monstrous bell at the end of it all and I got so into it, I exhausted myself to the point of near collapse. Luckily there was a nurse in attendance who forced 356 litres of cold water into me and told me to avoid all massive cast iron bells in the near future. So I know I can cross off 'bell ringer' off the list along with the roles of page boy and flower girl which are going to my kids.

I'm not doing this again..

I haven't heard who is filling the roll of lecherous drunk uncle yet though, I don't know if I'm keen for that.

Now if I do end up as MC, that automatically removes me from having to perform any of the following wedding speech features:

- The best man dirty joke that only three people in the room understand and one person actually enjoys.

- The drunk mate speech with 54 'I luv youse' and 3 attempts at the same toast.

This is going very well

- The teary speech from any sister, mother, aunt, grandmother or best girlfriend about something something always there something something sisters forever something something growing up.

- The family member who has a fear of public speaking and keeps the microphone as far away as humanly possible, even with the choruses of 'Speak up' within the first ten seconds.

- The family member who almost swallows the microphone out of excitement.

- The drunk who wasn't invited up but still had something to say and spends the next 3 minutes rambling something completely incoherent to a smattering of confused applause at the end of it.

Horn swaggling Krugger Krogger!

So hopefully I'm MC. But more than likely I'll wind up in a role I know nothing about. So enjoy either my intricate table decorations made out of car parts and superglue or my incredible torture of an oboe during the dinner. Either way, wish me luck..