Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Now taking questions for a Gentleman called Jack...

Ello there you 'orrible lot. Allow me to introduce myself - my name is Gentleman Jack - adventurer, pugilist and honest to god man of all seasons. I'm here to answer your terrible questions and provide some life changing advice that will hopefully lodge a rod back into your spine and make you stand tall for the empire. God bless it and the Queen if she's reading. Anyway, onwards with your ill thought out queries...

Bully for me, dash and whiskers!


Jack, nobody sees my fortitude.


Dear Gentleman Jack,

I was wondering if you had any tips to advancing your career? I work very hard but I feel like the boss hardly pays me any attention. What should I do here?

Confused.

Dearest confused,

I too have been in a familiar situation back when I was in the fox skinning factory. I could skin a fox backwards with my eyes closed faster than you could say 'Lads, the tea's ready!' and yet my dim visioned supervisor couldn't see the incredible prowess there in front of him. So what did I do? I invited him outside for some fisticuffs. Twenty two rounds of bare knuckled bloody slugging showed that doo-lackey exactly who he was messing with and I was promoted to badger skinning accordingly.
You too would be wise to invite your boss outside for some fisticuffs and if they balk at the idea, a duel at 12 paces is in order. Make sure you write back and let me know how you go, provided you're not slain in the gunfire of course.

Regards
-Gentleman Jack


Jack, help me light a fire in the bedroom.


Hello Gentleman Jack,

I'm a novice when it comes to bedroom activities. Would you have any 'go to' moves that could help the not so confident here? 

Lacking

Lie back, tally ho!

Goodness me Lacking,

You are truly making a mountain out of a molehill here my boy. You ask for 'moves' when all you need is the stock standard 'Lie back and think of England' where you tell your beloved to literally 'Lie back and think of England' then get in there and get the job done. It's something that's helped sire my 37 children and it hasn't let me down yet. Of course you need to set the mood first (that's very important you know) and you can easily do this by announcing 'Tonight we honor the empire!' before switching off the lights.
Then after the job is done and you are reflecting over your brandy and pipe, don't forget to give a silent thanks to the empire for all its glory - it's only fair.

Fair fortunes my lad
-Gentleman Jack



Help solve this family bickering Gentleman Jack!


Dear Jack,

My brother and I fight all the time over playing the XBox because I don't want to play the games that he does and vice versa. Any suggestions?

Kid the Destroyer Lvl 12

Deary me Lad Destroyer,

I'll admit to have never heard of this xbox thing you mention, is it full of trinkets? If so they I can see why arguments would break out over it. I once chased my own brother halfway across the Sahara for a glimpse of the supposed treasure chest he claimed to find on an island near Buccaneers Bay. Anyway I never saw him nor the chest after that which made family reunions a touch awkward but I digress.
Maybe an invitation to some fisticuffs is in order? Just a healthy 12 or 14 bare-chested rounds in the snow until one of you cries uncle and then you can make up over a snifter or two of Mother May's Medicinal Brandywine and share some guffaws over a pipe or two. That's what I'd do if my brothers bones weren't getting bleached in the hot sun somewhere in the the Sahara by Jove!

Regards
-Gentleman Jack


I need a cleansing ale Jack, any suggestions?


Hi Jack,

What's your favorite beer?

-Beer fan


Greetings beer fan,

My favorite ale? I will confess that I am not fond of the current offerings at the local taverns. Pale Ales? Pah, give me a mighty mug of the Empire's finest 'Gareth's Gut Wrenching Pancreas Pounding Pacific Lucius Lager' any day. Now there was a brew! Strong like the dear old Queen Mum, as Golden as a morning crumpet and as smooth as the rough shag I used to puff away on while in the trenches. Why did all those little urchins go blind after drinking it? Buggered if I know but golly was it a good drop.
In fact I might brew up some more myself this weekend if I can source some lantern oil cheap enough. Ta for the suggestion, bully for you!

-Jack




Right, that's me done for tonight me little monkeys. Got a question for your favourite Gentleman? Drop them below in a comment and lets see if Ol Jack can get some wind back in your sales quick smart. Tally ho now!

0 comments:

Post a Comment