Space D.I.R.T episode 3: Are you being spuded

When we last caught up with our rag tag crew, they'd just be shot into space, survived many hands of five card stud (without an actual full deck) and met a digitized pirate - who turned out to be the base Artificial Intelligence welcoming them to their new home for the next five years. Now that the front doors unlocked, what awaits our intrepid (and hopefully brave) crew inside?..


(Dust. Dust on absolutely everything in sight on the inside of the base is what awaits our intrepid crew. Like someone blended an asteroid and then sprinkled the bits of crushed rock over everything else. Under the dust seems very basic furniture from a few eras ago..)

Now as apologies go mateies...I'm not very good at them. Let me just say then, it be the cleaners fault. 

What happened to them?

Oh it be a funny tale for sure. You see there be this faulty mining machinery and all and one thing leads to another and..wouldn't you know it? Suddenly we has no cleaner and the place starts falling apart. What's a hard working ship's captain to do hey?

When did the accident happen?

(Sighs) Look, I be no good at dates...but at best guess..(his screen goes black and punches up a figure.)

Yeee..roughly round then methinks.

(Still stunned by their new surroundings, the team slowly step into their new home and try very hard not to disturb any of the hill size dust piles that have built up everywhere.)

Soooo...any problems with the oxygen generators?

Nay, they do occasionally squeak but the previous crews used to throw spanners at the air ducts and the almighty clang was enough to stop the critters from movin about for an hour or two..

(Gasps) Moving...critters?

Aye. Space rats. Don't be worrying though miss, they be harmless once you spanner them a couple of times.

(Starts opening various lockers around the room and tries not to sneeze as each door whips up a tremendous dirt cloud.) 

So are there any weapons on this base...you know, just in case of attack?

Well possibly...and no.

Well which is it? Possibly or no?

Well truth be told, there could 'possibly' be some weapons lying around. I wouldn't put it past the old crew to hide a blunderbus or a stabbing sword somewhere around the traps. But do I know where they are or do I have the passkey to the safe in the old chief's room marked 'weapons, only for emergencies'?
The answer to that crew is 'no.' No I do not. 

We do have food supplies though don't we? Enough to eat for our stay?

Ye gods yes, there be plenty of vacuum sealed ration packs. There's enough to last a couple of life times I'm guessin!

Excellent! I could really do with a well cooked steak after that shuttle ride from hell.

Steak you say? Ahhh, well...there be no steaks in there. 

What about some crispy chicken? Surely there's a few packs of those left over in the deep freeze? 

Crispy chicken you say? Eh...no.

What is available then?

Well we have some potatoes..

Just potatoes..?

Aye, just potatoes. Many a potato. But I did see an old movie once when a man on Mars once ate nothing but potatoes and made it back home just fine. You'll be right mateys!

(Swears under his breath at the thought of eating nothing but potatoes for half a decade) What about something to watch? Surely there's some vids somewhere? 

Aye, entertainment you be after lad? Well you should find a disc I highly recommend right over there, under that pile of rotting cleaning uniforms. The captain in this one is a mighty man indeed!

(Smoking walks over, lifts up the pile and finds a very old and very scratched DVD there..) 

Ahh that's it?...I was hoping for something a little more...er...adult?

Don't you worry lad, you'll come round to the womanly charms of Mrs Slocombe. They all do..

(Suddenly an alarm wails and bright flashing lights suddenly appear out of the roof, spinning madly. Rook immediately takes action by kicking over a nearby table and hiding behind it, ready to fire on the first thing that moves...if only he had a firearm. The rest of the crew stand around bewildered at the noise and light show.) 

Shiver me down...wait...blow me timbers! That was quick! You've barely been here for an evening song and off to your first mission!

What? We've got to work already? We just got here! We haven't even had any time to unpack!

Don't be blaming me laddo, I only work and live here. I'm just annoyed as you are about missing out on a long awaited sea shanty... 

So where are we going?

Board the boat first, you'll get your orders on the way. Put your back in it now, there's cleanup to be done!

Board the boat?

(Arrows light up and point directly to the hallway that they walked through from the awful shuttle ride.) 

Oh...I was afraid that's what you meant..

Are you sure there's no weapons available for this mission? You know, just in case? 

Aye, no. But maybee take some potatoes for sustenance? 

(Our now super depressed crew trudge back into the shuttle and strap themselves in, saying very little as the ship blasts off and the recorded voice of Captain Chambers fills the cabin as they make their way to their very first cleaning job.) 

Recorded voice: Hello dropkicks and welcome to your first mission. There's been a bingle between two transport ships on the outskirts of Getmes Four and there's shit all over the space lanes. God it's messier than the hairpiece on my uncles third wife. So get in there and get it clear. 

Now how the hell are we supposed to do that?

Now in case one of you d.i.r.t bags just asked a stupid uncle of a stupid question, like 'How are we supposed to do that?' you'll find a whole heap of space suits and magnetic grabbing tools in the hull along with plenty of space in cargo. To put it into words you space monkeys can understand 'Grab floaty metal bits with stick, put in hold. Too big to fit? Push towards nearest sun. You work good!'

Sounds thrilling...

It's agonizingly boring and dangerous work and so perfect for you idiots. Don't mess it up! Chambers, out! (The voice transmission ends) 

(The crew arrive on scene two hours later and now that the bodies have been hauled off, they find thousands of bits of twisted metal floating...everywhere. After a solid ten hours of non stop work - made more difficult with the over sized unwieldy grabber sticks, a passing safety marshal deems the area safe enough to travel through and the group are finally allowed to trek back home, exhausted and broken after a very long day.)

Even my servos are hurting...god I'd kill for a beer. 

(The shuttle finally lands and the team stumble back into their new - and still insanely dusty - digs. The captain is beyond thrilled at their return.) 

A successful mission lads, well done! An extra heaping of potatoes for all!

(The team all collapse on various pieces of furniture to catch their breath...except for Smoking who makes a beeline straight for the bases kitchen. Under one arm he carries what looks to be a small refrigerated box and he's whistling a happy tune along the way.) 

Dare I ask what he managed to find? It's not a box of porn vids is it? 

No he salvaged it out of one of the wrecked carriers. I think he managed to find something to eat!

Oh god, he didn't manage to find a box of frozen steaks did hey? This would totally save the day if that's what he's got..

(Rook suddenly notices Roultry trying to hold back a laugh, having seen what was printed on the side of the box as Smoking passed) 

It's not steaks is it?

(Chuckling) No, no it's not. Do you think Smoking knows what a "meat wagon" is?

You mean a medical transport? That's where they ship...they ship...oh dear god! 

He's not going to cook up..no..he wouldn't..

Well if he thinks they're frozen steaks he will..

We should tell him. The honest thing to do here is to tell him. It's only fair. 

Yeah I'm going to tell him. (He pauses and thinks about things for a sec) Well...maybe after his first bite...

If this hard working life all the Space D.I.R.T team has to look forward to? Has Smoking bitten off more than he can chew with his mystery salvaged box? Why does the third wife of the uncle of Captain Chambers wear a pretty awful wig? We'll hopefully answer at least one of these probing questions in our next awaited episode of Spaaaaaaacccccceeeee Dddddddd.iiiiiii.rrrrrrr.ttttttttttt!