Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Can I buy 10 of your defibrillators please Dr Idiot?

A strange email appeared in my spam inbox recently, asking for a quote on 10 defibrillators. Because as the world knows, radio announcers just hoard defibrillators and love selling them in their spare time...

Check out this red hot defibrillator bargain!
Since they took the time to drop me a line I felt it was only fair to respond back...via one of my junk email addresses to really keep them guessing.

It turns out I've either copped a scammer who can read or a complete idiot. Let's find out which!

This is the email I found sitting comfortably in my Spam folder:

Attn Sales,

I would like to request a quote on the below AED with the model number below,
send us your quotation with availability on the part and qty's listed below:

1) Philips Heartstart OnSite/HS1 AED (#:M5066A)..........10 Units

Payment Terms : Visa/Master

Condition:(Brand New) Please take note
Shipping Method: (TBD) but Expedite delivery is requested.
I look-forward to your quote asap.

M*** T*****
Some business
Some Rd, 
Suite 109 
Texas somewhere

(Having no idea what they look like, I can only assume it's something like this. Or not.) 

I've taken the liberty of editing his name and workplace in case he Googles himself and realizes the fun I'm having at his expense. 

This is what he's looking for:

And why you'd think it'd be a good idea to try and buy ten of these through some random gmail address is anyone's guess. Maybe all the best defib deals come through gmail?
But I do suspect something fishy here and I'll continue to waste time until he either gets frustrated and stops communication or I find out what it is...

...where upon I will continue to waste his time as much as possible.

Enter the good Doctor Rex.

Dear Mick

I'm afraid to tell you that the HS1 is so 2018. We've moved onto a brand near year and therefore a terrific new model - but while I have you  here, let tell you how amazing the HSWTF 2000 is:

-It has built in wifi so medical practitioners can check out current sports scores while they defribulate!

-On board email automatically sends an email to the users spouses explaining that they're trying to save lives currently and not down at the local pub getting a skin full.

-It comes in 52 exciting new colors. Finally a Tiger Mica Bronze Defibrillator! I mean how long has the world been crying out for color options?

-It has a setting for small bears.

-It recharges via electrical outlet but also steam and has a compartment to accept coal if you're using it in the drivers compartment of a steam train.

-There's an led for power, charge, signal and weather the patient is a Magpies fan or not.

-Finally it's only $25 more than the now outdated HS1!

Now can we interest you in a batch of 10? Let me now while our summer sale is on - buy 10 and get it delivered by a strip-a-gram!

Much regards
-Dr Rex
Sales person

(Not me, not even close to what I look like) 

While I didn't attach a photo of the unit (which I should have) if I did, it would probably be something that looked this cutting edge:

HSWTF 2000 in all it's glory.

Now an idiotic reply like this one would usually be more than enough to send the most seasoned scammer scurrying off, annoyed at the complete waste of time. But Mick is trying to humor me. Or he's an idiot. Or both. And he does actually reply. 

Hi Dr 

Thanks for the info and update, the HS1 is what we are in need at this moment or a ZOLL AED Plus in replacement.
Please advise.

Did he just completely miss the brilliant features of the completely made up WTF 2000? Well if he's not keen on that one...perhaps he'd like to take my brand new (and completely made up) model?

This one does everything!

Hi Michael,

Look I know you've got your heart (and chequebook) set on the HS1 but since our red hot sizzling super summer smashing slobberknocker summer sale, we haven't got many HS1 left and the ones that are here in the warehouse are being used to zing up the staff coffees (something about working on a heart starter...with a heart starter.)

So the HSWTF2000 is all we've got in stock unless you're keen on giving our prototype a whirl?

We've just put the 3rd and final gloss coat on our L Series AED codenamed 'Raging Fish' and let me tell you, this one is going to blow the rest of the market away. It's like the Swiss army of AEDs and it's packed full of features:

-Its self cleaning
-If the patient is tiny, a magnifying glass pops up to help with vision
-If the patient is halluncenating, it automatically plays some soothing Wu Tang to help calm them down.
-It can work on flat head or Phillips head
-It has a pop out video screen so you can watch 'Pimp my Ride' when things get really heavy.

Would you business be interested in a trial of this mighty beast? Let me know!

-Dr Rexus
Sales Superman

Raging Fish is a medical breakthrough! 

Now to wait and see if he comes back. At all. 



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