If you want my business you'll have to fight for it!

Back in January I received a strange email from someone keen to buy some of my defibrillators...which of course I don't actually sell. And now four months later the 'I want to buy products you have nothing to do with Al' saga continues as I have scored not one...

Not two...

But three separate e mailers asking me for quotes on even more defibrillators! (And I have no idea why...)

There's a point to these emails but I'll be damned if I can work out what it is..

For the sake of entertainment, I have bulk emailed them back with an innovative idea on how to get not only my attention but my business too! And it involves a bingo hall and a wrestling ring...

Oh to be a fly on the wall when each of these strange spammers read this one:

To Edward Smiles, J.E Richards and Michael Turner,

Hello gentlemen and thank you for your email.

I am responding in bulk because incredibly all three of you have sent me an email asking for quotes on defibrillators all in the same month! Seriously if I knew that 'Dr Dodge's Wind Up Heart Starters' was going to be this popular, I would have started the business out of the back of my van in seedy laneways years ago!

Unfortunately due to delivery problems with the construction house I randomly picked through Aliexpress, I only have so many units of the 'Heart String Thumpmaster 2000' on offer.


Artist interpretation of a Heart String Thumpmaster 2000

And since I haven't met any of you fine gentlemen before, I fell it's appropriate for me to devise some kind of fair system for one of you to take advantage of my very limited stocks and my 'buy one and I'll send you half the parts for another one' super sale.

Therefore I have devised that the three of you will be competing in a four chests on a pole three way dance of death wrestling match!


What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

(Now I realize that being fine purveyors of defibrillators as you undoubtedly all are, the rules of a wrestling match might be a little out of your understanding but bare with me as I explain the rules to this fine and fair way to decide who I will ultimately deal with.)

1. On each corner of the wrestling ring will be a large pole and on top of each pole, a mystery box.

2. In one of the boxes one of you lucky grapplers will find a signed contract for my business.

3. However in the other three boxes you may randomly find any of the following: 

A) Parts to a broken Heart String Thumpmaster 2000 

B) A signed picture of Youtube Star James Charles or 

C) 13 live and slightly hungry centipedes. 

Yes you may use anything from the non winning boxes as a weapon in fighting off the other two opponents.

James Charles. Famous for uh....playing Minecraft and Youtubing about it?

4. As soon as the bell rings you will all fight and try to stop each other from opening up any of the boxes.

5. The winner will be the first one who finds the contract. The other two I will never deal with ever again. Winner gets my business, losers get my eternal damnation.

Now I think you'll find this will also be a very entertaining way to conclude this business deal and I for one will be keen to see the special outfits and wrestling names you three come up with for the night.

Let me know when you're in agreement and I will then book the bingo hall, concession stand and rent a crowd.

Yours in anticipation,

Almigo


Right, so who's keen on tickets to this barn burner?


EDIT: Michael was the first to get back to me:

Werey dey ur head.

Thanks for that input Michael!