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Now blogging over at Onemanmanyplans.com.au

It's been real, thanks Blogger! Hey thanks for checking out this page! After 10 years of posting here and over 600 posts, it's time to try something new at over possibly greener pastures. Which means you can now find me and all my random adventuring ways over at One Man Many Plans . 

Space D.I.R.T Episode 1: Meet the dirt


It's amazing what you can do when you find you have time on your hands. Like this morning when I waited in my doctor's waiting room for over an hour to find out why the right side of my brain was on fire (it's okay, it doesn't seem terminal). Rather than annoy people on social media, I whipped out the phone and started writing a play.

Yes a play/script/performance/thing. 

The last one I wrote was back in...uh...1995 and unfortunately there was only ever one copy of ATTACK OF THE CHAINSAW BEAST FROM THE SWAMP SHORES OF HELL ever made and I'll be damned if I remember who has it currently. So forgive me if I'm a little rusty here but I am proud to present episode one of...



Strap yourself in, we go dirty in three, two, one..



(Captain Chambers, war hero and soldier of soldiers enters a small metal room where 5 people in red jumpsuits stand waiting. Each suit has the word 'De-listed' in bright white letters painted on. Obviously, they all look absolutely thrilled to be there..)



Attention! (They all snap to attention). I am Captain Chambers but from here on in you will address me as sir. Nothing else, just sir. Not Captain, For the Emperor or even 'that dashing man in the sharp command hat!' You will speak only when spoken to and if you rejects can't even handle that, then I will personally book you a one way ticket out of the nearest airlock in just your military issue underwear and laugh hysterically as you run out of air before scratching my left one and moving on for a ice cold glass of water. Do I make myself clear?



All of the de-listed speak together: YES SIR!




Boy oh boy am I happy to hear that. Happier than the day when Grandma Chambers got day release and we had apple pie and cigars for dinner. Whoo boy, good times, god rest her soul, amen! (Consults his clipboard) Now let's have a look at who and what we have here. Oh a scale of what in the hell to 'what's that smell?', you turds have really stunk things up. Let's start with you Operative Roultry.


(Stands proudly) Yes sir! Ready to kill for my country, sir!


Good to know. You've managed to set a world record Roulty, fastest exit from the assassination corps. Three months all up..



(not realizing it wasn't a complement) Thank you sir! I do like to work hard and am very proud of my accolades, honored that you have brought up. In fact- oh hold on, that's not something I should be proud of is it sir?



No, can't say that is sunshine.(Looks again at his paperwork) A grand total of 0 confirmed kills but in that time you've also managed to injure every single fellow operative you've ever worked with..


Accidents happen...sir. My forte is blades and not so much with explosives. Or throwing things. But they kept insisting I take grenades with me and...well you have obviously read the damage reports, sir.


Indeed I have. Maybe we should have just signed you up to the enemy and they might all accidentally shoot themselves in the foot or something. 
Honestly they should make me a general with war winning ideas like that one..




Very funny..sir.





(Chambers moves to the next person)

Now Sargent Smoking..




Er..it's actually pronounced'Schmoozing' ..sir. Funny story that, it's an old Bakerian surname..a lot of the letters are silent. Actually most of them.



Chambers: (dryly) Right. I wish you were silent. Maybe even standing in the middle of a minefield maybe.
Anyhoos, you were assigned to protect the mayor's daughter on Doctop One yes?


Yes sir, keep her from harm from jealous in laws. She lived to tell the tale, job done and as jobs go can I doubt anyone could have done it better than I could. Smoking the ultimate protector. She loved the experience, every last second, Sir.


And now son, this girl in your charge and protection, word on the wire is she's pregnant?


But ultimately still safe...sir. And now I'm free for another protection detail!


(mutters) Whoo boy, am I going to enjoy putting you my polished boot right up your..let's move on shall we?


(Chambers pauses to take in the great content of that ad right there, thinks about clicking it for more information and then moves to the next solider)


Well well well, if it isn't Mr Rook...



Actually I 'm sorry to have to correct you, but it's Captain Rook..sir.


Not anymore Rook, not after that terrible accident on Dotanio. The brass still laugh about that one to this day. We forgot to tell you of your de-listing? Well we figured you being here in that red outfit with these other idiots may have been a fair indication..




Er well about that..I don't think I can take the entire blame for what happened there..


Care to explain to the rest of your new found friends here exactly what happened?



Well sir I stopped an armed assailant from assassinating the governor. Stopped him in his tracks before he could even fire! Took him down before he knew what was going on, sir!


With what exactly did you take him down with son?


My gun sir.


Which was?



A quad barreled gattelling cannon....sir


Yes indeed. Now where was the governor in this chaos of you attempting to stop this armed assailant?


Er...between me and the assailant...sir. Fair to say directly in his path..


Yes I think we've got the picture here Rook. A very messy picture indeed. In fact they're still finding bits of him blended in with bits of the other guy all these months later. In a word, rediculously messy. 


(Chambers moves to the second last soldier. The female officer tries to avoid his gaze.)


Former logistics officer Thomas 2nd class. On the scale of messing up, yours is quite spectacular. I would use my full vocabulary to describe the destroyed toilet bow you caused on this one but there are, present company included, ladies here.



(mumbles) yes sir. A simple mistake to make though if you think about it, sir.


You were responsible for sending three heavily armed battalions to quell the resistance on Gishbay IV yes?



(mumbling again) Yes sir. I was passing on orders from Commander Anderson. I executed that command to the best of my abilities.


And where exactly did you end up sending them?



Well they all ended up landing on Gishbay VI...sir.


Because?..



I am terrible at Roman numerals...sir. I am taking steps to rectify this so there won't be a next time..



They arrived two planets over and spent 48 hours trying to locate the resistance on a world that never had any. Now I'd call that at least one hundred and twenty percent FUBAR wouldn't you?



No casualties though (she smiles meekly) sir. That's a positive in war time isn't it?



(He gives her a discerning look before moving onto the final soldier. Unlike the others this one is taller than the rest and half cyborg, evident by half his head being metal.)


Last but not least, Unit freakin 6. Beep boop beep Mr Machine, can you understand what I'm saying here?




(Said in a friendly robotic voice) You can call me Gary if you like?


No son, I do not like. Do not assume what I like because you will indeed be horribly, horribly wrong. This is why I've been divorced 3 times now, what fun adventures they have been.  According to reports Unit 6, you missed the entire battle at Tiger Bay.


Incorrect sir, I did arrive on the battlefield armed and ready to roll..


Yes, 6 hours after it finished. Just as the bodies were cooling. You were where exactly?


Er..At the bar sir, the Chesty Lynx on Oracle Avenue. I was on the lookout for the enemy. Spies are everywhere you see sir.


You investigated the bar, on our side of the war for six whole hours?


Yes sir. The barman seemed suspicious. I got a vibe. I'm famous for my vibes. And my vodka cocktails. They have been the stuff of legend. But he was definitely giving off this vibe and my 'dodgy' sensor was flashing..


You sat and drank for six hours to keep an eye on the barman who seemed suspicious?


It was thirsty work..sir. He was a tough nut to crack but I gave it my best. What can I say? I'm a hardworking man machine.


And pray tell, after all this investigation was he indeed an enemy spy?


Er...no sir. But may I add it was a thorough check..I engaged in much conversation about sports, women and cars. And the weather. There was a bit of chat about that too.



Okay you can stop talking now coffee grinder. (sighing he turns to them all) Right then. So you're all here because your practically useless. Now if there wasn't a war on, I'd boot you all back on the shuttle to wherever the hell you came from myself with just enough postage to get you halfway there. But since you're all doing a ten year stretch and we need the bodies, you're all being reassigned.


Permission to speak sir?


Yes? Glory be this better be worth it Smoking..



I would like to be reassigned to somewhere close to a beach if possible. One with friendly natives and a vibrant night life. My skin you see s-

Permission now withdrawn Smoking. Speak again and you'll be on toilet duty for the rest of your miserable career. And I am famous for my loaded Burrito's every second Thursday. It'll bring tears to your squinty little eyes too. 



(Smoking goes to speak but stops himself and wisely nods instead.)


Sir, Permiss-



De-nied! Now I hope you've had time to familiarize yourself with each other as the brass have decided to lump you together as one unit and hopefully you won't manage to kill each other in the process. Your new assignment will see you working up there. (He points to the roof)




In the hills above the town sir?


Now that's a big fat sorely out of shape wheezy negative there robot son.


In the mountains behind the hills sir?



Now that's the fat hot dog and fries loving momma of the previous negative Thomas. No congratulations are well and truly in order here team, you're heading off to the deepest of deep space where if you make a horrible mess again, nobody will be the wiser. All the worst clean up jobs around will now be your bread and butter. You turds will be cleaning all the things we have no time nor urge to clean. I am proud to announce that you're going to be our very first Space D.I.R.T squad. Wear this new badge with pride now..

(He laughs madly before doing an about turn and exiting the room. The rest of the room just look at each other in complete and utter confusion.)

Oh dear - what has this hastily thrown together band of unknown misfits got themselves into now? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Space D.I.R.T! (Coming out in the next couple of days!)

Find out right now with Episode 2 'Welcome Home' now ready for exploring!

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