Well it was bound to happen. Solo traveler through Melbourne Airport fresh from the metal detector scan - a perfect candidate for a quick search with the explosives wand!
However what happened next was completely unexpected..
'Would you mind standing over here please sir?'
It's not an invitation you can say no to when airport security ask you to move over to a spare area for a quick wand waving through both your bag and over the clothes you're wearing just in case there's anything on you that also appears on the ingredients list for making explosives. And so I happily complied and joined another gentleman who had also accepted the offer he technically could not refuse.
So the wand was drawn, swept over me, swept over the bag, swept over gent #2 and his on board luggage too. The results card was fed into the machine and...uh oh. Red warning appears.
'Since the machine has come back with a positive result we're going to have to test again' the security guy explained 'I'll test myself out first to rule out anything that may be on myself first and then you two gentlemen.'
So he tested himself and scored a negative result. Nothing on him that could be used to make explosives.
He tested gent number 2 and his luggage. Nothing on him that could be used to make explosives. We thank you for your time sir and apologies for any inconveniences, you are free to go. Which meant...oh dear.
The wand did it's sweep and lo and behold something on me or maybe in my bag made the machine cranky again. It beeped loudly, the screen went red, the security guy called over his partner and reached for a clipboard.
'Boarding pass and drivers license please sir' the second guard asked very nicely, towering over both myself and the first guy. 'Just have to run a check you see.' And off he walked with both on the phone to someone manning a database to make sure I had no outstanding warrants, records or a hankering to build things I shouldn't be.
Meanwhile the first guard kept me busy with an x-ray scan of all my belongings again now including my shoes (and I apologize for the smell, they were pretty rough) and kept me entertained while standing shoeless in a busy airport with a chat about being a fellow dad.
'My little guy loves puzzles and he's only two!' he beamed.
The x-ray turned up nothing and the bigger guard wandered back to inform me that a check was in progress to see if I was okay to fly. After that...it was frisking time!
'We can do this in a private room if you like?'
Bemused by the whole process already I passed on that and got the pat down where I was standing (still shoeless) which possibly amused and alarmed others walking through the xray gates and watching on in equal measure.
My first frisking, lucky me.
Nothing untoward found, nothing that required further questions ('have you stabbed anyone with this multi tool recently?). And while I waited for permission to fly (all while thinking 'well this will be an amusing tale for the family if they don't let me on the plane..) the taller guard continued to thank me for my co-operation while sharing stories of people who didn't.
There was the three person brawl over some misheard information and when the federal police got involved there was the fact that two of the people involved had outstanding warrants..
There were stories about people losing their cool and mini meltdowns at ticket gates. Amazing how people calm right back down when a very tall and stocky Italian security guard walks over to investigate the very vocal outbursts..
After a while, the call came through: 'Al is deemed safe to fly.' I could put my shoes back on, collect my license and boarding pass and continue on with my very busy day ahead. I got more thanks from both guards on my patience (hey they're just doing their jobs) and I walked to the departing gate wondering if I now had any extra attention from someone keeping an eye on me through the cameras around the airport..
I never did find out what may have triggered the warnings though. I was just happy I wasn't spending the day in the cell or getting grilled about what shenanigans I'd been up to recently at the in laws farm. That had to be the end of things surely.
Surely?
Er no.
Purely coincidentally the woman who was supposed to be sitting next to me on the plane suddenly decided at the very last minute that she did not want to board the flight for whatever reason. They even announced it as such over the in flight announcement speakers.
Boy did that make me feel great! Possible flight risk and then a passenger freaking out and refusing the board the plane.
Remind me why I don't fly very often again?
 |
| Wingardium Leviosa! |
However what happened next was completely unexpected..
'Would you mind standing over here please sir?'
It's not an invitation you can say no to when airport security ask you to move over to a spare area for a quick wand waving through both your bag and over the clothes you're wearing just in case there's anything on you that also appears on the ingredients list for making explosives. And so I happily complied and joined another gentleman who had also accepted the offer he technically could not refuse.
So the wand was drawn, swept over me, swept over the bag, swept over gent #2 and his on board luggage too. The results card was fed into the machine and...uh oh. Red warning appears.
 |
| It has picked up...something. |
So he tested himself and scored a negative result. Nothing on him that could be used to make explosives.
He tested gent number 2 and his luggage. Nothing on him that could be used to make explosives. We thank you for your time sir and apologies for any inconveniences, you are free to go. Which meant...oh dear.
The wand did it's sweep and lo and behold something on me or maybe in my bag made the machine cranky again. It beeped loudly, the screen went red, the security guy called over his partner and reached for a clipboard.
'Boarding pass and drivers license please sir' the second guard asked very nicely, towering over both myself and the first guy. 'Just have to run a check you see.' And off he walked with both on the phone to someone manning a database to make sure I had no outstanding warrants, records or a hankering to build things I shouldn't be.
Meanwhile the first guard kept me busy with an x-ray scan of all my belongings again now including my shoes (and I apologize for the smell, they were pretty rough) and kept me entertained while standing shoeless in a busy airport with a chat about being a fellow dad.
'My little guy loves puzzles and he's only two!' he beamed.
The x-ray turned up nothing and the bigger guard wandered back to inform me that a check was in progress to see if I was okay to fly. After that...it was frisking time!
'We can do this in a private room if you like?'
Bemused by the whole process already I passed on that and got the pat down where I was standing (still shoeless) which possibly amused and alarmed others walking through the xray gates and watching on in equal measure.
My first frisking, lucky me.
 |
| Artist rendition. I was wearing jeans though. |
There was the three person brawl over some misheard information and when the federal police got involved there was the fact that two of the people involved had outstanding warrants..
There were stories about people losing their cool and mini meltdowns at ticket gates. Amazing how people calm right back down when a very tall and stocky Italian security guard walks over to investigate the very vocal outbursts..
 |
| What's the guv? You say he's not dangerous? Fair enough then. What about these books he likes to write currently on Amazon....are they any good? |
I never did find out what may have triggered the warnings though. I was just happy I wasn't spending the day in the cell or getting grilled about what shenanigans I'd been up to recently at the in laws farm. That had to be the end of things surely.
Surely?
Er no.
Purely coincidentally the woman who was supposed to be sitting next to me on the plane suddenly decided at the very last minute that she did not want to board the flight for whatever reason. They even announced it as such over the in flight announcement speakers.
Boy did that make me feel great! Possible flight risk and then a passenger freaking out and refusing the board the plane.
Remind me why I don't fly very often again?
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