Let's build an awful hotel together! Part 1: Slam that door!

Help a random email scammer move millions (or take some of my hard earned?) I'd rather slam my junk in a door.

Actually there's an idea...

Either one of these doors are fine.

A WILD INTERNET SCAMMER APPEARS!

(The one with the half the dictionary vomited all over email, that's the scammer. The other one is me. And my notes as it progresses in red.)

Hello Dear

How are you today?  My name is Doctor Miri@n @bdalla, I am from  United States of America, And also a medical doctor who works in Syria with the Red Cross International. Am  42 years old, single and never married before,  Please i want you to reply me back i have something important to tell you , Please am waiting for your reply

Thank you. 

Best regards.

Miss Miri@n @bdalla .

(It's been a while since I played around with one of these idiots, I wonder how long I can stall them for before they realize that communicating with me is an exercise in futility? Of course knowing full well a) they never read everything you send back and b) they'll put up with complete idiots for the hope of turning a buck, this could go for a while. Fingers crossed. Also if you google her address, it brings up plenty of warnings of her being a dodgy dodgy scammer - yet they still use that email. Time then for our hero Rex0s Enefl3x to appear.)

Dear Mirian,

You have something important to tell me? It's not about my manhood is it? Look I know that Thor Jr hasn't been up throwing hammers around for a while now but I figured that it was because I've been working long nights and drinking a little too much of Stone's Green Ginger wine. 

(But it goes down so smoothly!)

Is it about my love monkey wrench? Just give me the facts.

Concerned. 

-Rexus

Thanks for your feedback to my mail i sent to you.

Honestly my heart is full of joy and happiness for reading from you i would have like to ask for your number right now but is quite unfortunate we are not allow to make or receive calls here in the camp is against the military rules as we are working with them as red cross International, until we are done with our mission, but all the same we will be communicating through this means until am done with my mission then i will have access to make or receive calls,  please i will like us to keep this closeness and i hope this will bring us to a better future as i wish.  

Actually I am from United States of America. Am the only child of my parents, my father died the year I joined the  red cross International for a peace keeping  mission in Syria  and my mother died 6 years later, Am a loving honest and supportive person with a Good sense of humor, I like to meet new people and know their Way of life, I like to see the waves of the sea and the beauty of the Mountains and everything that nature has to offer.

Regarding about the reason i contacted you There is something i would like to discuss with you but i don't know if it will be possible there in your country, to establish a good business venture over there in your country, it has been my desire to create and establish a good business but it has been very difficult tax for me considering the state of my job which can not allow me to engage fully in the business activities.It will be an advantage and a good friendship benefits for us if we can build the trust and build the business together,I have a good financial opportunity to establish any good business now and it would be my desire to establish that over there in your country.

My Mission here will finish by April next year and i will be retire from Red Cross International after my assignment here with Syria Government and i have submitted my retirement letter to the Red Cross International because i want to relocate to your country after my retirement as a medical doctor who works in Syria with the Red Cross International for investment. And i am planning to establish my own private business investment in your country which i will be taking care of, after my retirement. My plan is to establish in any type of lucrative business investment which you know that will profit us a lot,like Hotel,Hospital,and Real Estate Business and House Property Business . so i want to know if you are Willing to do business with me?.

Thank you.

Best regards.

Miss Mirian Abdalla .   

(Oh good, a copy and paste email straight out of the 'I didn't read anything you just sent me, I'm just happy you're responding to me' playbook. Well okay then. Nice ripped off pics from a dating site by the way!)

Hello Mirian,

So your email isn't about my manhood? Oh thank god. A couple of months ago (I can't believe I'm admitting this in email but here goes..) I accidentally slammed a car door on it. I'm not going into the 'official' details but accidents do happen and thankfully the driver also stopped in time. Thankfully the bruising has cleared up too and we're back to business. 

re: Your offer - I would love to go into business and perhaps work on a hotel? I'm not sure what we'd call it but I have some great ideas for it like the following: 

-The staff dress like pirates

-Friday is hot dog day

-Nudists welcome

What do you think? We could also have a clinic where you could operate in case anyone suffers from an embarrassing wang caught in a car door at high speed scenario.

Do you think this would work? Let me know!

-Regards

Rexus

Thanks for your reply am happy to read from you again .

How are you today over there in your country? Hope all is well with you?  I have in my possession the sum of ($ 8 Million Dollars) I must not fail to explain to you how I came across this fund, That I want to use for investment. few Months ago our soldiers had encounter and exchanged bullets with some gunmen known as ISIS militant and eventually three of our soldiers were injured in the event while over sixteen of the gunmen were killed, As a Red Cross Medical Doctor in the military camp , I and my group rushed to give attention to our men who were injured at the spot where the sixteen ISIS men were shot to dead so as we are giving our military men attention then, we saw some trunks and we force the trunks to open and we discovered a huge amount of dollars in it we quickly took those trunks to a place then counted the money which we deiced to share it among ourselves,

And my own share is ($ 8 Million Dollars), I deposited this money under the UN Red Cross Company for safekeeping, because of the law of UN here in Syria I want you to stand as my beneficiary to receive the fund on my behalf and keep it safe. I want to move this money by Red Cross diplomatic immunity courier service to your country, so that you can save and keep the money for me until I go back to my country by  April next year  and come to meet you in your country and I don’t want American Government to know that I have this huge amount of fund because if they do,  they must question me on how i get the money. I will give you 45% of the total money for your assistance after you have receive the money, I want to use this money for the investment project in your country.

You know very well that i am a Red Cross Medical Doctor in the military camp , You also know very well that as a Government servant i don't have the full audacity to do what ever i want because U.S Government is watching me and other political chief whips and high profile officers. Even my phone communication and transaction on-line are monitored by U.S Department. These is the reasons why i want to invest to another country, so that no one will be monitoring me or any of my transaction after my retirement.

I really want to talk with you on phone to hear your voice, but I'm so sad because as we are in the military camp, we are not allowed to use any phone and we do not make nor receive phone calls here, unless with military radio communicator, it is  risky for me and very difficult for us to communicate with each other on phone here, because any person that failed to do the law here will be shot to death immediately, so I don't want to die before my time.

Honestly I will do anything just to assure you that I sincerely have good intentions for you here in our friendship. if you assure me of your trust I will tell you more details Below is my pictures And have nice day

Thank you.  Best regards.

Miss Mirian Abdalla .   

(Again, I don't think she's/he's/it's even reading the random rubbish I'm coming up with. Oh well, I'll just have to get even loopier to get noticed. Challenge accepted.) 

Hello Mirian,

I too am sad that you don't have phones over there in Camp Watchacallit because there's nothing I like more than waking up at odd hours in the morning and ringing randoms I met through Yahoo mail. Do you have showers there at least? 

If you do I hope they don't have those really inflexible stiff doors - the other day (would you believe it) I was washing the gattling gun and holy hell on a hand grenade, I got it caught in the door again. Luckily it was really soapy so the door slid off but yeah it was a bit of a shock, especially when it was in the men's change rooms at the local pool.

I would be more than happy to take %45 of your 8 million dollars and spend it wisely. I've been having a few more thoughts on what we could do with our new hotel too:

-All the staff speak Klingon

-We have an Ed Sheeran tribute act every fourth Thursday and every thirteenth Tuesday

-We leave a bottle of Stones Green Ginger wine in every bathroom as a surprise gift

-If you don't like your wife, you can swap with other residents

Also you didn't attach any photos? I am much disappoint. I have put some in of me, I hope they make you happy and think of doorless showers. 

Now how to I organise to get the money to me so I can start organizing Hotel Honkers?

Thank you

-Rexus

(The photo I included. That's former wrestler Scott Hall on the left, The Godfather/Pimpfather on the right. She hasn't asked which one I am pretending to be and I haven't bothered explaining it to her either.)

How are you today?

May the good God continue to bless you and your family for your very kind and prompt response to my email, indicating your willingness to assist me transfer this funds for investment purposes in your country. Am well impressed by your person and I feel I have found the right person, but time will tell. As you know, the success of this transaction will depend on our total mutual trust. I want everything to be clear to you right now but you have to read carefully. The deal is all about the money I made here, and I have it kept safely in a box and deposited under the Red Cross Diplomat .

Due to the United Nation policy on Syria troops, there is a plan to move some troops out of Syria, so I will be among the people that will be moving out. I cannot take this money to the United States because since they know me as one of the Red Cross Medical Doctor , they will want to know how I come about it. Due to this, I have made an arrangement for the Red Cross Diplomat to move this fund. The question is who will be in charge of the money in my absence? This is exactly why I need your help. I want to guarantee you that you will not stand any risk in this transaction, as I have mapped out the way to have this box moved out of  here safely Through Diplomatic means. you have to keep everything confidential till you receive the fund as a consignment.

Finally, I want you to stand as the beneficiary and receive the fund and keep it safe so that as soon as i come to your country, I will give you 45% of the money for the assistance after you have receive the money. I believe I can trust you. Where we are now we can only communicate through our military communication facilities, which are secured so no body can monitor our emails, I will only reach you through email because our calls might be monitored, Please if you can handle this deal kindly get back to me as soon as possible, To move the money all you need to do now is to send me your below information so that i can start the arrangement.

Your Full Name:___

Your Home Address_

Your country of residence / city__

Your Phone Number__

Your email address__

Your Occupation__

Your Nearest Airport__

Thank you.  

Best regards.

Miss Mirian Abdalla . 

(She didn't attach any more fake pictures, this is just being lazy. If you're going to pretend to be someone, you really need to get into character dammit!) 

Good morning Mirin,

No photos attached again? Boy am I disappointed. I need more photos of you so I can have them blown up and mounted around our upcoming hotel with arrows pointing towards the broom closet I'll have set up for your clinic along with a plague that reads 'Broken wang? Let Mirian work her magic!'. Please send more pictures stat Dr!

Anyway I had ANOTHER thought on the hotel we're going to build. Instead of a buffet breakfast, we do a catapult breakfast? Diners take their seats and then when they're ready they yell out PULL! and our chefs send over a random assortment of breakfast goodies (eggs, bacon, maple syrup etc) flying in the general vicinity. I reckon this would be a really novel way of doing things and so much fun for guests. 

Oooh some forms to fill out? Why didn't you tell me? Here we go:

Your Full Name:___ Datsun Fastback

Your Home Address_Tempelhofer Damm 139, 12099 Berlin, Germany

Your country of residence / city__Germany

Your Phone Number__I have been banned for using phones for three years. It's a long story.

Your email address__R^^^^^^^^@yahoo.com

Your Occupation__Entertainer

Your Nearest Airport__Berlin Templehof

Thank you.  

Best regards.

Miss Mirian Abdalla . 

Now please send more photos. Thank you!

(The address leads to a pub in Berlin. Also the airport is legit...but it's actually abandoned. Still if she wants to try and fly over...)

Hello Dear 

Thanks for your information that you sent to me But phone number most be needed because the  Red Cross Diplomatic Agent will use it to call you once he arrive in Germany your country pleas try and provide a phone number that the  Red Cross Diplomatic Agent  will use to reach you OK. I am waiting for your reply along with the phone number. 

Thank you.  

Best regards.

Miss Mirian Abdalla .   

(That heart icon on the bottom right of the second picture, does anyone recognize it? I'm trying to work out if it's from an app, a dating site or even a mail order bride service. If you do know, please leave a comment below.) 

Hello Mizbang,

Thank you for the photos. You look like something fresh out of a dating app, amazements.

Like I said before I am banned from using phones for three years (there was this incident with a casino automatic door, my fav part and a busload of passing Japanese tourists which for legal reasons I really can't go into) however if it's okay could I use my friends phone number?

I haven't spoken to them in over a decade but we did do a lot of drinking and door slamming back in the day so I'm sure they'd be okay if you called them and they could pass the red cross idiot over to me? (I only live 12 blocks away so not far) 

Anyway the number from memory is 312 226 8853. If you ask for 'The Dongslammer' they'll know exactly who you are looking for. 

I look forward to talking to them!

-Rexus Dongslammer

(The number belongs to a phonebox near a laundromat in the united states. I haven't checked that it still works, I really don't care. A shout out to anyone who gets a call for 'Dongslammer' while using the washing machines there.. Scamface however is showing how lazy they can be.)

Please send to me the full number with your country code

(That's all I got back. Well if you're going to be annoying, then so am I) 

Hi Mirian Abbadoola,

I'm very confused here - you tell me you're an American but then you don't recognize a US number?

I need to know - are you as American as Vegemite, as American as a Hills Hoist?

Something seems a bit off here...

-Dongslammer

(Vegemite and Hills Hoists are about as American as I am..and this scammer is a little cleverer than I gave them credit for. Not that I give them much credit at all..) 

MR Dongslammer,

You have to answer yourself that shit question (first  you told me that you are from Berlin, Germany, Second your don't have a phone number that you have  been banned for using phones for three years. that It's a long story. and you will make use of your friend that live 12 blocks away from you in Berlin, Germany). Then how comes abut the American phone number that you want me to recognize  are you now from American?  I hate to condemn people and i also hate when people are trying to device there friend that trust them so much, I was just trying to follow you i find out that you are a big time joker from the day you address me as BOY.  so get yourself out if you are not interested and save yourself  time fro another thing. Thanks

Oooh, shots fired! Okay then, let's see if we can extract an apology out of this idiot. If you want to try and rip me off, you're going to pay for it. Rexus lobs a few grenades back. 

Whoa whoa whoa,

Angry much? I live in Germany but travel a lot for work. I am currently in America in my home away from home residence. I have many places like this around the world, I work in business but it sounds like all you do is piss and moan on email. 

HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF LYING TO ME? 

First you send me highly suspicious photos that look like they've been ripped from a mail order bride site and not from shit pit in Syria, then you give me some garbage about not being able to use a phone yourself and yet you won't believe me when I'm travelling and give a number. You've never used my name up until now, you've never talked about the hotel we're planning to build and you're as suspect as a line up of criminals. 

Do you want my help or not? 

If so I demand a full apology. Here am I, wand uncurled and ready to jam into a door in frustration but all you do is carry on like the world owes you.

Apologies now or I will take my business elsewhere. I have already had another offer from a guy called Usman B@llo and let me tell you, he's a lot easier to deal with than you are!

-Angry  

And all I got back?

Goodbye 

Well it was fun while it lasted. But of course I couldn't just leave it there (and leave this idiot to annoy other people) so I gave them some more attention...via every other idiot vying for my attention through email. 

So To every spam email sent my way, I replied with this: 

Hello,

I am currently away on business but I am always looking for more opportunities to invest in business. Please forward your offer to my secretary Mirian at mirianabd@lla78@gmail.com who will make sure it gets seen and acted upon. 

(Also make sure you put 'Slam the door' somewhere in the subject line - that's the name of my production company and she will know it's from a trusted source that way.) 

Kind regards

-Rexus

mirianabd@lla78@gmail.com

Now while I'm sure some of them *might have* sent her something, most emailed me straight back along the lines of 'Thank you for the reply, here's my spiel..' which to be honest was kind of expected...time to forward her ramblings to another of my spam catcher accounts and try to annoy her with a slightly different angle..

Click here to see how we go with our next attempt, the Potato Palace!