From the archives: 5 movies in 5 minutes YOU SHOULD NOT WATCH

Back in 2010 I did some movie reviews...for films you shouldn't watch. Yes, a quick and dirty guide on saving your money, your time and in all these cases - your sanity!

Oh god, not you again..

Let's see which efforts of shitful cinema made the list hey?
You know the drill - here's five movies that if you are invited to watch, you should fling yourself out of the nearest plate glass window instead, screaming in tongues all the way down. Five indications that just because you went to film school, you didn't learn a single thing from it and probably spent your hours on which film stars you'd like some juki juki with.

Five cinematic farts so eye wateringly bad, they should have stayed as nightmares and not crossed over to mainstream production, nor be financed by people on crack with too much money to spend.

Consider this a public service from yours truly - in five minutes you'll have five more movies to completely avoid like your drunken touchy-feely uncle at Christmas. No need to thank me, it's what I do.


MEET THE SPARTANS

 Piss take on 300, featuring gay Spartans, a Britney Spears joke, American Idol and jokes that go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and completely miss any mark whatsoever. Horrendous.

Wait....is that Keith Urban?

What you should watch instead: A head on collision. Much funnier.



THE MOSAIC PROJECT

A chip that turns secret agents into unstoppable fighting machines and agents of death. Unsurprisingly it ends in two ass clown drop kicks looking for work. Nothing good happens from there.

Hollywood called. Please stop.

What you should watch instead: A test pattern.


BELLY OF THE BEAST

Steven Seagal searches for his kidnapped daughter, finding her location on a pair of breasts...(I kid you not.)

Location found via BPS - breast positioning system

What you should watch instead: Taken, with Liam Neeson. He finds his abducted daughter using his head.


MEET JOE BLACK

Brad Pitt gets hit by a bus and gets taken over by Death. An eternity later the movie finally ends.

You'll wish you were dead too.

What you should watch instead: Grass grow. It'll go faster.


DISASTER MOVIE

Description of the movie is aptly summed up by it's title.

All this....and still not worth watching.

What you should watch instead: Paint dry.