Well howdee folks and welcome to our sneak preview of BWF Sunday Slaughter Slam School happening this Sunday at the back of Bob's Oil Change and Chicken Shack Emporium! I'm Adam Action the Swashbuckling Announcer and yes sir the 250 strong crowd is going to get more lit than something on fire with all the INTENSE ACTION from all our competitors this Sunday!
We've got ten matches hotter than the charcoal Bob uses to roast his succulent chickens and heat up the engine oil to make it flow out quicker, so without any further ado let's take a look at the line up. Are you ready?
I said...ARE YOU READY?
Oh you are? Okay, let's take a look!
OPENING MATCH (Brought to you by Grandma Gertrude's Coconut Slice. Winner gets a tray.)
Whoo boy will the action be fast and furious when the smooth mover of the BWF MegaZone steps through the ropes to get the party started...
...against the newest recruit for the BWF, the high flying Drum Machine!
You can expect a non stop riot like free for all in the quest for that tray, let me tell you! And when the smoke finally clears from these two titans, we move right into:
Match 2: Thanks to Crazy Larry. He doesn't actually have a business but he's chipped in ten bucks for this match so good on him!
He's angry, this one! How angry? MAD AS HELL! And when this gent gets mad, it's probably best to update your passport (coincidentally you can do this at the post office opposite Sue's Bakehouse and Hairdressing Salon on Main Street) and run away as fast as you can from BODACIOUS BOOT!
After having his favorite cobra skin toe warmers stolen by the dastardly BAD GUY POSSE (BGP) last week at the Smith Street Bingo Hall, Bod Boot is ready to open up a can of 'ass bootin!' against his opponent this Sunday, the one and only from the BGP...
Miffed Max!
He is also angry and RED HOT to fight! He's Miffed to the point where's it's FLIES OPEN and NO HOLDS BARRED! Can the Boot take back the loot or will the Miffster take the Boot down with the ring shattering DRAWERS OF DOOM? WE FIND OUT SUNDAY!
Whacky whackoo, what a line up we have so far and that's just the first two matches!
Right after the Boot and Miffy throw down, we're going to have a super exciting Wang Chung Martial Arts demonstration from Mr Wang and his students and then a recorder recital from Helen Fairweather and the Fabulous Five! If you've got any requests then make sure you pop them into the suggestion box at the Leo Luderman Library (except for AC/DC Highway to Hell, she's not a fan after the incident with Crazy Larry on the last time.)
Now...after all that entertainment, will it be time?
Time for what Adam Action?
Time for our first LADIES MATCH!!
Match 3: Proudly brought to you by Sally's Stockings which she sells in a van behind the Library. Open all day Tuesday by appointment.
Last week Classy Cassie threw the gauntlet down by pronouncing herself to be the greatest BWF Women's champion that ever set foot in our small town..
A statement that didn't go down well with BWF Stalwart and part time canteen lady Noodles McIntire!
Taking up the open challenge, Noodles has promised us a battle for the ages (and plenty of seasoning) so make sure you don't miss this absolute barn burner!
Can it get any hotter? You know it sunshine! It's time for some TAG ACTION!
Match 4: For the BWF tag team titles and a two for one coupon from Andy's Pizza and Funeral Parlour on Darlington Drive.
They've got in ring skills and some snazzy hats, they are THE SNAZZ HATS!
But even with the skills that pay many of the outstanding bills, can this team of up and comers take on the might, the force and the out of this world power of the tag team champions....Brad and Other Brad?
The fists (and underwear from the crowd undoubtedly) will fly when this one gets underway, make sure you get yourself a front row seat!
Match 5: Triple Threat Time! Thanks to Matt's Clocks. Ladies love Matt's Clocks and he's famous for having the Biggest Clock in town. TheclocksarebiggeratMatts.com
Can you remember the last time Backwater Wrestling Federation had a free for all furious triple threat match? Yeah me neither. Thank the gods then that at Sunday Slaughter School Slam we're going to have one with the winner getting the key to the city and a ride home from Ricky the taxi driver.
Oh and a clock from Matt apparently. Although I haven't got any info on what clock he's offering.
Anywhoos, in this triple threat we start with the Midnight Salesman!
He's going to make you a late night offer than you're more than welcome to refuse if you don't have a need for anymore Tupperware or a set of encyclopedias!
Can his 'But Wait There's More!' driver come out on top of competitor number 2...
Tax Money General! He's got a fist full of cash and he's not afraid to wave it around while yelling 'Look at me, I've got a fist full of cash!' especially in front of poor people. Can his 'Instant Cash' from the top rope claim the victory in this clash, especially against the strong style of our third entry in this triple threat...
The return of Poppa Cap! We haven't seen Poppa since he got that late night shelf stacking gig at Deano's supermarket but now that he's got some annual leave up his sleeve, he's ready to get back into the ring and show them who the true king of shelf stacking in this town is!
Let's hope our ring guards are strong enough to try and contain the pure fire coming out of this match!
Right after we mop up the blood from this one, Dj Texta will come in and give us a 47 min set of some of the finest LP's he managed to salvage from the Sunday flea markets! Are we going to get some Herb Elliot in the mix? Wait and see! (This is a great chance to refill at the beer and chicken soup stand!)
Recharged, refreshed and ready to RUMBLE once again? Well let's bring on our next match which has more Grudge here than Grudgetown Wrestling Federation (those cheating bastards!)
Match 6: GRUDGE MATCH! Spatula on a pole match thanks to Sam's Socks, socks for all seasons.
Once upon a time these two were not only best friends, they worked together as one of the greatest tag teams the BWF has ever seen!
Now a minor argument behind the scenes at our recent Spatula and Sauerkraut school fundraiser has led to a major falling out between the pair and this match will decide who was in the right!
Will it be...Leopard Girl Skin?
Or Tiger Girl Face who gets to the spatula first?
The edge of your seat excitement of this caliber match can only be found at a live BWF event!
Match 7: OPEN INVITATION MATCH! Thanks to Gary's paint. No cakes, only paint.
Last month at Saturday Salt Mine Slaughter Sofa our animal champion Ratmungous said he'd be willing to fight anyone from the crowd if they willingly bought his latest book The Rata Sutra the picture version. (Just $32.95 online only hotrats.com.yes.ok)
Sadly he's had no buyers all month so we're going to give him two minutes to wrestle himself instead to fulfill contractual obligations. Innovative!
Match 8: BATTLE ROYAL TIME! Thanks to Old Man Johnson's front lawn. STAY OFF IT YOU USELESS KIDS!
You know the deal, get thrown over the top rope and you're out of the game! And we're filling this ring with all the biggest stables and tag teams in wrestling you've ever seen!
Like Shooter and Sickle!
The Wacky Wizards!
The South Street Cloud Makers!
Bathtub Billy!
The Planker!
Smoke N Slice!
And The Gru World Order!
Last person standing gets a shot at the world champion next month at our Soup Kitchen Slamboree! (Location AND World Champion TBA)
This leaves only two mighty matches to finish up our spectacular Sunday Slaughter Slam School!
Match 9: No holds barred no cage cage match! Thanks to Duke. No business, just Duke. Found behind the train station, ladies form a line.
Slammer Dammer Ding Dong are the sparks going to fly with this one! We had a cage all ready to go but then Commissioner Chuckles put his foot down and explained that it wasn't available during sheep sheering season.
But if you think that's going to stop this slug feat, think again boomer! This is set to be a shaggy door knocker barn boosting bad ass boomshakalaka!
Setting foot into the (not actually there) steel cage, Tough Man Tank Tony has told us he's bringing more testicles to this party than actually needed and is going to make a real man out of his opponent!
But if Ian Indifferent is worried, he certainly isn't showing it! As cool as Mrs Kershaw's cucumber sandwiches at Bingo on Wednesday night, he's ready to turn up the indifference gauge right up to 11!
Which just leaves our feature event...
Match 10: for the BWF heavyweight championship and a special prize from Stuttering Harry's classic car yard. The rust adds character at Stuttering Harry's!
Can you hear the chants of 'Here comes the corn?' that can only mean one thing...the Cornernator has returned! Proudly displaying the BWF heavyweight title (covered in even more corn) it's been a while since we've seen the Cornernator in action (a court order prohibits us for explaining where he's been) but he's back, fueled up with the yellow stuff and is ready to take on his next challenger!
If attitude was a liquid then the mysterious Cash Chomper could fill an Olympic sized swimming pool! Drowning in swagger, the Chomp has his eyes set on being The Champ only he'll have to fight like hell to get there!
This is it folks, we finally get to discover the answer to the ultimate question: which is stronger? Filthy cash or creamy corn? Either way you know this one is going to be mess-say!
Winner takes home the title, the glory, the accolades, the pride of the BWF and as we mentioned earlier - a special prize thanks to Stuttering Harry! The much lusted after Le Sex Tank! Brrm brrm!!
Tickets on sale now from every second business in town! (Except for Jones Street where it's every third shopfront for some reason.) Adults just $20, kids get for free and get to take home some of the leftover corn when the card is over!
Until then this is Adam Action saying: Be there Sunday or...miss out on a fun day! Peace!
Comments
Post a Comment