Now that's some steamy and sexy furniture!

Sigh, I don't know why I bother some times. 

I've been communicating with a scammer (well more wasting their time as it's something I thoroughly enjoy doing as you'll undoubtedly read many times in this blog) and to really spice up the supposed relationship we were having, my character sent through some of his best written erotica, created from his time selling furniture.  

I know, sounds hot right?

But now the scammer has disappeared and even worse, didn't comment on the saucy prose once! What's a lonely fake furniture shop owner to do now?

I won't bore you with a copy paste of the conversations (as their side of things are as dull as week old dishwater) but to fill in the basics, meet Khristin:

Supposedly hanging out in a refugee camp in Senegal (or 'Seagull' as my character confuses it) Khristin is looking for someone to help access the millions her dad left behind and love, not necessarily in that order. If you're willing to deal with a very helpful Reverend Morehead - WHO CAN ONLY WRITE EMAILS IN ALL CAPITALS and a not so helpful set of lawyers - WHO ALSO STRANGELY CAN ONLY WRITE EMAILS IN ALL CAPITALS - then you can have some of these millions and a long lasting relationship with this lovely lady from Seagull. 

Now who could resist an offer like that? Not Franklyn Friskerino (name changed to avoid other scammers I'm messing currently with having a shifty Google and reading this):

He has his own website and is looking for love in all the wrong places, like the spam section of his mail provider. And jumping at the chance to whisk Khristen away to join him in selling dubious pieces of dodgy furniture at dubious prices, he dives right in. 

Before too long though he feels comfortable enough to share some of his side project, namely home made erotica. But when all you know is furniture, well there's only so much you can come up with in a lonely back office when sales are quiet:

"Baby cans, I got the email from the bank but it's very confusing? It says I need a lawyer and to prove that your daddy was killed by wild dogs or something. That seems like a lot of work for permission so I can look after your funds, is there an easier process?

I'm not good at stuff like this but am I getting better at my home made erotica - how does this sound?

'Put it in me like a couch in plastic wrap being carefully lifted and inserted into the back of a delivery truck!' She whispered as she took an appreciative look at my unraveled tasteful throw rug that wouldn't look out place in most modern decors. 'I'm going to do you like sales tax!' I grunted and off we went like boxing day special customers..."

Tasteful throw rugs such as these

And the response from that? Chirping crickets. Not even a thank you for the vast depth of pure creativity that bunch of nova hot words spews forth. What to do in such a situation? Send more of course! It's not too long before lovely Khristen gets even more red hot romance of the written form:

"I have sent a note to the bank. Thank you for writing one for me because I'm not great with emails. What I am getting better at though is writing erotica which is a small time hobby of fine. I wrote this last night about us, I hope you don't mind.

She looked at his firm long and sturdy lampshade and sighed. 'That's as plentiful as the bargains at Franklyn Friskerino Furniture on a sale weekend!' Now plug that into my electrical outlet you hot hot furniture salesman that is rated for the wattage needed for this application.

'I'm going to do you like optional spillage protection on suede lounge suites!' I beamed before plumping her couch cushions and sliding the top draw back inside. As he worked his point of sale system, she moaned like a bargain hunter nabbing a black Friday special. 'I've never saved so much!' She whispered in his ear as he inked her purchase receipt. 

Do you think that's hot enough? Enough steam?"

As rock hard as this hand built couch..

And once again? Zero response. No rating. Not even a 'Thank you, now can we get back to the business at hand please?' or a 'Wow hot, I need a smoke.' They just carried on like Franklyn hadn't gotten saucy in the first place. 

And then a few emails they were gone, never to return. (Which may or may not have something to do with Frankyln continually and purposely stuffing up the details when it came to send money via the Moneygram transfer service, possibly.)

Sigh.

Maybe the next one will appreciate the effort (and depravity) of this lonely furniture shop owner waxing lyrically over shag carpets and plush coverings..

Fingers crossed, stay tuned!


SIDENOTE:

Minutes after this post went up, I noticed this strange ad pop up in the sidebar. Obviously it's been triggered by the post of sexy furniture related erotica but can anyone explain what in the hell is going on here??

WTF??

That doesn't look comfortable at all!

 
(Maybe they need a far sturdier carpet deal from Franklyn Friskerino Furniture..)