According to the latest Hustle email, next year in the US they're expecting around 2.5 million weddings to happen across the nation. This is going to make up for the severe drop of tieing the knot in 2020 (down 40%!) and will the most weddings in a year since 1984.
(What the hell was going on in 1984?? Did Elton John's wedding to Renata inspire so many others??)
As a veteran of quite a few by now myself, here's a few tips - 25 all up, that I reckon will turn your upcoming nuptials from media circus back to memorable which it should have been from the get go.
25 HANDY TIPS FOR YOUR WEDDING TO BE A SUCCESS (BY ALMIGO)
1. There are two places where a long train belongs - the movie and tv series Snow Piercer and America's Funniest home videos. For the love of god, you're only inviting disaster on your big day if you walk down the aisle a solid five minutes before the mid point of your wedding dress train makes an appearance. If people are keen to buy a ride on the material, it's too long.
2. When selecting a Master of Ceremonies for your wedding reception, it helps to pick someone that can actually talk as opposed to someone with a 'nice voice.' Do they have any experience at all in addressing crowds? Do they understand timing in comedy? Can they lightly grill the groom without starting an all in brawl? Are they microphone phobic? These are all important factors to consider. Note the loudest drunk in the room still isn't the greatest choice for the MC either.
3. If you have either animals or children that aren't at the 'can spell their own name' stage of life yet, you better have some wranglers on either side of the procession they're part of just of case. It's amazing the directions things can run in even after all the repeated commands of 'just walk straight ahead' during practice.
Grandpa Jim with his crook hip is not a good choice for a pet/toddler wrangler.
Grandpa Jim with his crook hip is not a good choice for a pet/toddler wrangler.
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| Here comes the hot bride, turn it up! |
4. Ini Kamozie's 'Here comes the hot stepper' is a cringeworthy song to walk down the aisle to. Just don't (sorry Ini.)
5. The bucks/hens night should occur at a bare minimum of at least two weeks before the official wedding date. This gives you enough time to sober up, organize bail, mend fences, unlock the groom from the light pole and scars to scab over. You should be able to walk down the aisle, not pinball drunkenly off guests to get the altar.
6. If you feel the average guest at your upcoming wedding will quietly ask the person next to them 'What the flying f##k is this thing they just dropped off?' when food is served, chances are you need to rethink your menu. Stick to wedding favorites - steak, chicken and fish. Party pies if money is tight. Cocktail franks only if everything else at Costco is sold out.
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| Excuse me, I ordered the steak? |
7. As amusing as it is to sit your mother and stepmother/fathers mistress on the same table, it's better if they're on opposite sides of the room. Or even better, opposite sides of the country.
8. The kids table is best set up nearest to the toilets, nearest to the exit and close to a high pressure hose just in case.
9. The more tiers on your wedding cake, the higher risk it will topple/you will wear it/the table will spontaneously disintegrate when aunt Mabel teaches the room how to twerk during the dances. Keep to three maximum and keep Mabel away from the champagne.
10. Any wedding planning advice that starts with 'Back in my day' is no longer relevant. No seriously, the chances of an air raid siren going off in the middle of your ceremony nowadays is pretty remote.
11. Pyrotechnics, no. Not even if you've just landed a fat contract with AEW/WWE
12. Look it's nice that little Jimmy is taking up the bagpipes at school, it really is. Unless he's mastered it to the point where he should be calling the Scottish Highlands home though, a one child piper recital as you try not to wince your way down the aisle is not such a great idea. See also: Recorder. Your guests are there to celebrate, not clamp things down on their ears after the first note.
Bongo drums on the other hand would be hilarious.
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| Now do Highway to Hell! |
13. Things to avoid during the speeches as best man/matron of honor: The grooms sexual history, the bride's sexual history, the mother in law's sexual history, those cheap interstate hookers, your impersonation of Morgan Freeman, football scores, how you didn't like one of them when you first met, std test results, racist jokes, how much her parents hate each other, the grooms medical problems and how he got the nickname that rhymes with 'Rock bed'
14. How long is a good length for a speech? Longer than a detailed order at Subway but shorter than a wikipedia page about Sonic the Hedgehog. Unless you're Ricky Gervais, you don't need more than one page maximum. Seriously, just get to the bit that makes us go 'awwwwww' and introduce the next person.
15. Since you can no longer throw rice at weddings (not due to exploding birds, more grandma's slipping on the uncooked stuff) there's still other options such as blowing bubbles, releasing butterflies or giving each guest a small tin of easily opened tuna. The birds will love that!
16. Guests can't complain about the lack of food available if you have your reception at an all you can eat buffet. Genius.
17. You may think a 21 car burnout just outside the church is classy, the local authorities won't agree though.
18. Your 16 year nephew being the DJ to save on costs is a great idea provided: You supply him with the music you want him to play and not what he thinks fits the mood. Also confiscate the microphone before he starts - trust me on this one, he doesn't need to announce who he is at the start of every song and get crowd chants happening.
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| No more baby shark! |
19. A Cameo for the special day played at the wedding is a very nice touch...provided the guests actually know who it is. Spend a little more and get a recognizable name - a wrestler who's heyday ended back in 1982 probably isn't as recognized as you feel they are.
20. If your wedding dress looks like they poured you into it and forgot to say STOP, maybe try something else?
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| I reckon he had a hand in picking this one.. |
21. Writing your own vows is a lovely touch. Getting someone on Fivver who is claims to be an SEO or blurb writing expert to do it for you, not so much.
22. Just on that, if you struggle to think of at least one thing you like about your other half enough to jot down into your vows, perhaps it's time to have a big think whether this should go ahead?
23. The further away a guest has travelled to be there, the higher up on the list of thank you's they should go. Congratulating your mate Dave from down the road while not pointing out that Aunt Mildred spent 93 hours on a bus to get there is not a good look.
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| Onya Millie! |
24. A toaster hasn't been a good wedding gift since 1978. Struggling for ideas? Chuck some cash in a card.
A 2 for 1 coffee card also doesn't cut it.
A 2 for 1 coffee card also doesn't cut it.
25. Finally when you've calculated all the costs up for a wedding and the amount equals the price of a decent new family car or maybe a house deposit, maybe put that money to one of those instead? It may just turn out to be a better investment in the long run than splurging the lot on just one big day and night...
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