Getting my kicks looking at Clix

It's been a while since I trawled commerce site Aliexpress for possible treasures. And when I say treasures, I actually mean hilariously bad knock offs/run offs/things from the factory that should have hit the bin instead of the sales page. This time around I've come across a huge haul of absolute nightmares that you can use for the game Heroclix, provided you don't want your heroes to look anything like you'd hope they would.

As a long term comic fan, even I'm struggling to work out who some of these are supposed to be. Come check out the blurry unrecognizable madness!

Let's start with something that looks okay first off to ease you into things. This is Iceman. Well I'm assuming it's Iceman, I mean even though it has his name on the base, I may just be looking at the Spirit of Christmas Present for all I know, this is Aliexpress after all. 

And Iceman here doesn't look half bad, given he's clear and nobody has to paint anything on him. (That fingernail needs a trim though..) Apart from that strange lean, he's pretty close to what he should look like: 

However this truly is the best of a bad bunch as I present you the rest of this collection, where the mutations that have given some of these heroes their powers have really done a Hulkamania and truly run wild, brotha..

DOWNTOWN STRUTTING CAPTAIN MIFFED

No, that wacky space helmet is supposed to be there as per the original model but then so is the famous shield that he's supposed to be throwing. No wonder he looks slightly annoyed. Without it he looks like he's trying to bust out a 50's dance move in the middle of a bustling hip hop gig and is getting disappointed nobody else there is joining in.

REMOVABLE HAND RHONDA

What I have no idea who this is supposed to be (Polaris maybe) the biggest question here is HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER HAND? SHE'S WALKING AROUND WITH THING FROM THE ADAMS FAMILY! It's like she's swung that magical tree branch/grappling hook staff so hard, her hand has come away with it. She doesn't look happy about it either and why would you when one of your hands tries to make a break for freedom in the middle of a hero fight. 

Just a heads up, both the warped weapons and pissed off expressions go further downhill from here.

THE COMPLETELY BLITZED MISSING LINK

Oh lordy lord, what is going on here? Turns out this is not Kraven the hunter as first thought, it's...well I'm not sure who's being represented here but he looks drunk off his gourd which would go a long way in explaining why he's still using a spear with a bigger bend than a decent racetrack. I hate to tell you Captain Caveman, you're not going to have much success in hitting anything if you try to throw that stick..

QUALITY CONTROL THOR

So it's not an extra long handle bolted onto MJollnir there, it's supposed to be a leather strap to swing it around and such. Unfortunately it does look like he threw his hammer into a very hot dishwasher and the handle has both stretched and warped at the same time..

AFTER DARK VALKYRIE

Oh dear. The fact that you have to hold the base at this angle to make it look like she's standing suggests she'll be perpendicular to the floor when you put her on the table. As for that sword, this completely unflattering angle makes it look like something you'd beat people to death with in a Saint's Row game. And if you've ever played one, then you know exactly what overly large and phallic thing I'm talking about..

QUEEN BEE

From the DC Universe and lovingly painted by Homer Simpson's Makeup Shotgun..

OH GOD, WHAT EVEN IS THIS?

I'm not sure but she does look angry!

ACTUALLY A THING

Well not The Thing from Fantastic Four but Thor wearing a venom symbiote, creating Venom Thor! And it looks like the original too! Still, the Muppet like facial expressions here are weirding me out slightly..

THAT GUY FROM PARKS AND RECREATION?

And so lifelike!

CAPTAIN COSPLAY FROM THE OLD FOLKS HOME

I'm not sure what's going on here. Was this model based on another or is this a copied fan-made piece of someone in tracksuit pants Cosplaying Steve Rogers? He looks happy to be fighting crime though or maybe it's the thought of afternoon bingo. 

WEDGIED GENGHIS KHAN

He's managed to kill Captain America but not remove the pain from his rear end. The struggle is real.

ANTI VIAGRA ODIN

Oh come on now, you're not even trying here. It would take you mere seconds to bend his staff back to some semblance of vaguely strait but no, fingernails does not have the time. I'm not even going to begin to ask which out of control dump truck managed to cave his face in either, some questions are best left unanswered.

MACE IN YOUR FACE

Sadly while this one looks similar to the original, they both still look like a weapon sitting in a giant turd and dusted with parmesan cheese. 

HEAD INJURY SHREDDER

Until I tracked down the original to compare this with, I had no idea this was supposed to be Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who obviously sucked down a big fresh can of mutagen and next minute he can't play the piano with any degree of accuracy anymore. What would help is if his head hadn't exploded and propelled the rest of his famous helmet into the stratosphere..

Ahh there we go!

TOY SOLDIER?

But he looks nothing like a toy soldier! I think they've confused things with this one..

HEAD INJURY SHREDDER, THE RETURN

I recognize the garb. I recognize the spikes, while the extra set of arms are new, WHY DOES SOMEONE KEEP CUTTING HIS HELMET OFF? I mean seriously, this is twice now this seller has offered up a delidded Shredder with no explanation whatsoever. Why must you torture Shredder so? Is this some kind of twisted revenge from a traumatic childhood? Did someone flush away your pet turtles? 

For the record, this is Shiva Shredder and he prefers the protective headwear..

BACK FROM THE VET BANSHEE

Is that you Sean? I'm sorry, I thought you were one of those lion creatures now sporting a protective cone so you won't bite your own stitches..

SILENT DnD DRUID

I have no mouth yet I must make my saving throw. 

AND LUCKY LAST (BUT NOT LEAST)

Yeah I don't know either. Let's just leave this one alone then shall we?