Saturday - a basic RPG

You wake in the dark on a deflating Eurobed. Conversation is coming out a nearby kitchen and nearby someone lets out a fart followed by a chorus of coughs.

>CHECK TIME ON PHONE

You really don't want to know..

>GO BACK TO SLEEP

Ha ha, who are you kidding? There are 12 people in this house and most of them are awake now. It is inevitable you will soon join them.

>CHECK STATS

You are very tired and BP (Brain Power) is low.

>CAST SILENCE SPELL

That spell does not work here.

>GET UP

You get to your feet. Your wife is on the couch pretending to sleep under a doona although you can see the tell-tale glow of a mobile phone in there. Behind you the inlaws are busy making breakfast and noise in no particular order.

>CAST TELEPORT SELF TO TOILET

You don't know that spell. Also stop being such a lazy shit.

>WALK TO TOILET

The matron of the farm house bids you a good morning when you pass.

>ROLL FOR GREETINGS

Roll: (2) failed. You try to say 'Good morning' but only a tired grunt escapes your lips. The matron nods in agreement. You do your business and then return to the darkened lounge.

>ENQUIRE ABOUT BREAKFAST

You discover you have a choice of

A) Raisin toast

B) Nothing

>USE STAFF OF STEAK SANDWHICH

You don't have that in your inventory you idiot. It's doubtful such a magic device exists anyway. You cook yourself some raisin toast and your sister in law brings you a cup of black coffee.

You feel mildly better and gain +2 HP

>ATTEMPT TO BLEND INTO COUCH TO AVOID FAMILY DETECTION.

Roll (1) -10 modifier. Fail. You're going to this birthday party at the park whether you like it or not. After finishing off the coffee, you get dressed.

>EQUIP HEAVY PLATE ARMOR

Hey? You don't have any. You go with a t-shirt and jeans combo instead. 

>READ MAGICAL TOME

Is that what you're calling your Samsung S20 now? Weird but okay. Amazingly it does not contain an escape from the park. Guess what shit wizard? It's time to go.

You have now arrived at the park. It is cold and rainy.

>CAST PROTECTION AGAINST COLD

You mean put on your beanie? It helps only a little bit. Attempting to do anything other than basic conversation in this area will incur a -3 DEX penalty. 

>SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Nice try speeding things up you clown. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't catch on.

>LEVEL UP

Wait what? You haven't gained a single XP so far today. You can't level up if yo-

>SELECT NEW SKILL 'FREEZE TIME'

Sigh. Not available for your class. Also not an actual skill for any class come to think of it.

You pass the time chatting to various family members. You eat some party food. Pizza arrives and you help yourself.

It is still very cold and starting to rain.

>DRINK POTION OF WARMTH

Er..you mean the drive through coffee you picked up on the way here? That's long gone. This game doesn't have a glitch where you can repeat drinking the one potion over and over again.

>GO FOR WALK

Wife gives you new mission 'Get some donuts'. You walk down a nearby bike path.

>CHECK FOR SIGNS OF ORCS

There's no signs for anything here other than bike riders. 

You hear the sound of drums before emerging into an open plain. A group of acolytes are busy campaigning about a local political candidate. In a building to the west you can vote early before the election next weekend. In the middle of the two, in the carpark there is a hot jam donut van.

>SUMMON LORD OF THE DONUTS

Mother of the gods, you're not good at this type of game are you? You can't summon anything other than various noises from your own body. You're going to have to walk to the van and hand other something for donut trade, preferably gold pieces or the like.

>SNEAK PAST CROWD OF POLITICAL ZEALOTS

They're too busy waving at passing honking cars to even noti-

>USE INNATE POWER OF INVISIBILITY

Fine. It works, they don't see you. Happy now? You are now at the donut van shop front. 

>USE STAFF OF STEAK SANDWHICH

I'm just going to pretend you misspelt 'buy donuts'. You buy enough for everyone and then walk back to the party. The gifts are well received.

You receive 0gp and 10xp.

>LEVEL UP NOW

Oh ffs..

>CHANGE CLASS TO FIRE MAGE

No.

>CAST FIREBALL AT NEAREST TREE. WARM HANDS.

Sigh. Does not compute.

>CHECK SUPERCOACH

Trust me, you really don't want to know..