All aboard The Real Love Boat! (The people have some questions!)

Look, I'll admit that I was a little unfair on The Real Love Boat Australia a couple of weeks back..

 

Some might say a touch too harsh even. According to the internet, people are curious enough to search up on it and they've got some burning questions. And since we're all about helping people out here at Almigo's Adventures (like explaining songs and picking winning horses), why not be helpful again and give an answer to the most popular questions so far? 

Note - I haven't actually watched the show myself, not a second. I'm just going off what I know (previous little) and guessing what I don't (the rest). What could go wrong here?

THIS IS YOUR REALLY REAL CAPTAIN SPEAKING, QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SHOW ON THE STARBOARD BOW! OR SOMETHING..

Ahoy there!

IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT A REALITY SHOW?

Look I hate to break this to you, but not all cruise ships are filled with gorgeous looking singles looking to shed clothes and frolic with other free gorgeous looking singles in the space of an average TV episode. Most of them are jam packed with sneezy tourists, retirees spending up big on their savings so they don't have to hand over inheritances when the clock stops running and Elvis impersonators. Apparently after three days on one, everything starts to smell like the dessert bar. 

Yes this is reality TV where the average coupling generated on it's time slot usually lasts about the length of a cup of coffee after the cameras finish cameraing. It's entertainment at it's finest, populated with those who really want their Instagram and only fans to go nuclear.  

WHAT IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT?

I believe it's a tall wooden ship. No wait, it's a boat where contestants who decided their Tinder adventures just weren't public enough look for love. Occasionally they'll find it too and that's when a scheming producer decides to rock the boat (pun intended) by unleashing even more sexy singles into the atmosphere. Because nothing ruins a red hot instant romance than an injection of more singles looking for lurve. That and Elvis karaoke. 

WHAT IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT GOING TO BE ABOUT?

I'm sensing that a lot of the questions are going to be along the same lines, just phrased differently ever so slightly. But that's okay, I'm still here to help.

I can tell you what it's not going to be about: building a ship. Not even the Block's keen to try and wrap its production powers around that idea. 

Build us a boat Scott?

WHERE IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT FILMING?

In a body of water deep enough for the craft to travel. Given the price of petrol (I paid $1.91 a litre for unleaded the other day! Yes, 1.91!) it would make a lot of sense to just dock the boat and not really take it out anywhere (you'd save thousands!) but that wouldn't be nearly as exciting as actually being out on the water and yelling at passing seagulls when they try and take your chips. 

WHEN IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT AIRING?

You're in luck! It's on right now! At the time of writing we're about six episodes in which means we've probably already covered three random weddings and at least one divorce. Hopefully at least one of the farmers has found a wife he'll be happy with and whoops, I'm getting into the wrong show again. 

WHEN IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT COMING OUT?

When it's ready to. Please don't push it, it's a decision that it needs to do on its own. Please also be supportive of whatever decision it makes as it might need support. 

WHAT SHIP IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT FILMED ON?

Again, I didn't really catch it on the five seconds of the promo that started to play when I was checking out a news.com.au article about something they watched on Tik Tok but again, I'm trying to be helpful here and in the interests of helpfulness, here's a list of ships I know it's not filmed on: 

The Dawn Argent

That boat in Under Siege with Steven Seagal

The SS Pantsdropper

The Titanic

IS HANNAH ON THE REAL LOVE BOAT?

Hannah who? I think you might need to be a touch more specific in your Googling the RBL fans, because that level of open question is up there with asking if there's someone called 'John' in your local phone book. 

Without a passenger list handy, I just asked the kids Magic 8 ball and it told me 'The answer is murky.' So yeah, only Hannah knows if she's on the boat.

WHEN DOES THE REAL LOVE BOAT AIR?

Like an efficient old school laundry team, it's already airing. It's on until ratings decide it's off again.

WHEN DOES THE REAL LOVE BOAT START?

After the Captain gets the all clear from the engineers (all possibly named Scotty) after they've decided that the engine spirits are happy. The Captain then sings a hymn of control before cranking the ignition sprocket, easing back on the throttle control wankel and adding the right level of sea churn to prime the clutch bearing enough for motion. As long as he doesn't stall the disco flange, the boat will start!

Artist impression of Love Boat engineer

WHEN WILL THE REAL LOVE BOAT AIR?

I'm sorry to break this to you, but the Spelljammer world isn't real. Therefore this ship of love is not about to come off the water and fly off into the sunset or alternate realms anytime soon. 

WHEN DOES THE REAL LOVE BOAT PREMIERE?

About six weeks ago. If you've got a Delorean or you're James Cole from 12 Monkeys you're good, otherwise you might have to find someone who watched the first episode, bake them a cake and hope they remember enough to tell you the tale. 

WHEN DOES THE REAL LOVE BOAT COME ON?

When the engine seers massage enough of the gyroscope for the great sea lumbering beast to awaken. After a meal of much smaller boats, usually it's awake enough to start the prayers of passage.  

HOW DOES THE REAL LOVE BOAT WORK?

Having failed Ship 101 in high school (by not even turning up) I can only hazard a guess that it's a combination of black magic and cybernetics that make the boat run. Possibly with parts kerosene and human sacrifice. 
It's certainly not rotary powered, that's for certain. I don't think Mazda could build a rotary engine that big!

Not powered by this

WHAT CHANNEL WILL THE REAL LOVE BOAT BE ON?

Oooh I do know this one! Channel 10!

THE REAL LOVE BOAT?

Yes, the real one. Not that doppelganger love boat that's currently somewhere near the Amalfi coast currently pretending to be the real one to score free drinks. Like fake Ed Sheerans, there are impostors cashing in EVERYWHERE!

HOW TO WATCH THE REAL LOVE BOAT AUSTRALIA?

Ensuring your eyes are open, turn on your TV and select the correct channel. If you can't hear anything, check the sound levels. Seating is entirely optional. Congratulations, you are now watching television. We hope you enjoy the experience. 

WHAT IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT GOING TO BE ABOUT?

Teams in competition for cash who have to cross obstacle courses without touching the floor because of course, the floor is made of lava. 

Wait, wrong show. This one's about a boat and love. Like it says on the tin. 

HOW TO GET ON THE REAL LOVE BOAT?

Wait til it docks, keep an eye on security and do a mad dash up the gang plank when the coast is clear. Alternatively parachute onto it via plane or helicopter. Boat security might notice that attempt more though, just saying. 

WHAT SHIP IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT FILMED ON?

Oh this question again? Er, none of the following: 

Bella, Beta, Break Spear or Bright Sword. Also not the Hammer of Nocturne or Deathmonger. 

WHAT CHANNEL IS THE REAL LOVE BOAT ON?

Oooh I do know this one! Channel 10! Wow, I've just had a sudden sense of deja vu!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REAL LOVE BOAT?

Best guess? Some people on it found love. Others found the desert bar. Everyone got a free performance by the Elvis impersonator. 

If the passengers can't find love, the crew is there to help. Try behind the deck chairs!

Phew, how helpful was that! Hope you learnt something today - I know I sure did! (And maybe watch the show for the actual answers? ;)