Why would I read the book when the blurb is just so damn sexy??

One day I'm going to come to this blog and post up some amazing news. I've won Powerball. My real estate agent has decided I've paid enough rent and now I don't have to pay anymore for the rest of my life. Trump has been arrested for everything and petrol prices have dropped to rock bottom in celebration. Something like that.

Today however I'm taking a swipe at the idiots that seemingly love my blurb. No not my book, they haven't read that. But boy oh boy is their some movement in the pants region when they read my blurb apparently!

Before I rant, let me ask you this?

When was the last time you walked into a library, picked up a book, read the back and went 'Good god that's a fabulous blurb! Yessir, as blurbs go that one right there would have to be the greatest blurb I've ever laid eyes on or at least so good it deserves a spot on my top ten list of the best blurbs that rocked my reading socks!' and then once you've uttered that to the joy and delight of the other library goers, you put the book back on the shelf, never to read any further into the book?

Welcome to my world!

Excellent.

Yes I've just released my latest book Colony of Stone, it's ready to go on Amazon AUS, US and UK (pretty much an Amazon near you) and now I'm getting bombarded by idiots who are offering to promote it because they read the blurb and they think they're onto a winner.

Not the book mind you. just the blurb. Why would you bother reading a damn book when the blurb is just so damn sexy here?

I mean as blurbs go, this one does what it's supposed to do right?

Something has gone very wrong on Mugoria.

The planet's mining colony has gone silent, and the ore shipments to the Imperial Nation have stopped. Warrant Officer Chikka Shell is ordered to find out why, but she has better things to do.

So she hires Ky and a handful of struggling mercenaries to take the job instead — mostly because they're cheap, desperate for work and unlikely to ask too many questions. To Ky and crew the job seems like easy money in lean times.

What begins as a routine investigation takes a terrifying turn when the crew discovers what lies beneath the planet's surface.

Something ancient has awakened on Mugoria.
And it's ready for war.

Powerful stuff folks,

Now I'd like to hope that the above has enough magnetism to draw the casual reader in further to the point where they hand over some hard earned coin and I end up that little step closer to not having to put up with rentals and real estate agents ever again in my life.

However what's happening is the blurb is SO POWERFUL, people are getting hooked on the damn thing. 

Like this guy Timmy, who loved my blurb so much he went over and over it again, just to reabsorb it's power or something?

 Hi Al, I hope you're doing well. How are you and your family? I hope everything is going wonderfully for you. I read the page for Colony of Stone a few times. What stayed with me was the line about Chikka Shell having better things to do.  She is ordered to investigate a silent mining colony and instead she hires cheap mercenaries because they are unlikely to ask too many questions. That is not a hero. That is a bureaucrat with a budget...

-Timmy, pretty much writing my blurb back to me.  

Timmy then goes on to list the things that he feels he could improve about the blurb. Just the blurb. He hasn't read the book you see, that's not important when you're a Professional Book Marketer trawling Amazon for fresh blurbage. In Timmy's world there's no actual time to read the work of the author you're keen to work with, because hey...something something blurb and that's as far as Timmy got. 

Know your product is obviously not in Timmy's lexicon. Also the portfolio section of his website is blanker than my bank account a day out from payday. 

There's not even a basic blurb to read here Timmy!

-

Henry and the women in his workplace that have no names

Timmy wasn't the first, that was actually Henry. And incredibly, Henry presents himself in exactly the same manner as Tim! What are the odds?

Hi Al, I hope you're doing well. How are you and your family? I hope everything is going wonderfully for you. The most compelling aspect of Colony of Stone is the way a seemingly routine investigation becomes a fight for survival when a mining colony on Mugoria..

(Yes I didn't realize they both started off the same way until I started this post..)  

Like Tim, Henry became enamored by my blog and just had to reach out to offer his services...after pretty much rewriting it back to me for some reason. However just like Timmy, Henry didn't read the book because apparently when promoting a book, said book is the unimportant part. It's all about the blurb baby. Apparently you can tell if the blurb needs work when you're a Professional Book Marketer just with a glance, without once delving into the actually story at hand. 

To me this is like being a car sales person without ever driving a car. 'How does it go? Look, that's not really important here is it? It's red and has wheels, whattadeal!' 

Henry also has a website too promoting his services and he even has a couple of extra team members helping to make my blurb super sexy. However whatever their names are, we'll never know.

Your name is Content Strategist?

Henry, why is your Amazon Optimization Specialist standing in the card section at your local newsagent and how is this going to help me sell millions of copies exactly? 

Oh wouldn't you know it? It turns out the A.O.S in the second pic is actually this lovely stock photo. Henry Harris, did you really just lie to me about hiring real people?? And to think I was going to let you get your hands on my blurb.

Yeah actually no, that was never going to happen. 

We've taken a hard right into Red Flag city (again.) 

Same opening, same job title, same offer with different wording, dodgy website. They read the blurb but not the book (because hey, that would take time!) and now they want to help you! How many more alarm bells need to be ringing here? But just in case you glossed over the above examples and just needed a firm public service announcement here to leave this post with, allow me to furnish this to you: 

THESE EMAILS ARE SCAMS AND SHOULD BE DELETED. 

There we go. 

Also since you made it this far, why not check out my latest book on Amazon Colony of Stone? It's far more gripping and exciting than the blurb makes it out to be, I promise!

Colony of Stone, out now on Amazon!

And I even did a YouTube about it!