Sunday, January 4, 2015

The world's worst gardener is now taking your questions

I've spent the last couple of afternoons working up a sweat in the overgrown jungle I like to call my backyard. Therefore I feel almost overqualified to answer all of your gardening related questions. Let's see what people have been wondering!
Where I learnt my craft.



Problems with weed.


Dear Almigo,

I have lots of weeds. They're everywhere. Any more weed and I'll have the boys and girls in blue round at my place asking some incredibly probing questions. How do I get rid of all of these weeds?

-Wendy Wellweed




Dear Wendy,

In this instance I highly recommend weedkiller.

-Almigo


*****

Problems with Mrs Miggens


Dear Almigo,

How do I keep bugs off my prize winning tomatoes? If my tomatoes come second place to Mrs Miggens in the Royal Ascot Tomato Fury Supreme Fruit Off 2015 I'll go beserk!

-Frank





Dear Frank,

Quite a predicament! Have you tried some weedkiller?

-Almigo

*****

Problems with vision






Dear Almigo,

My Rhodesias aren't as bright as I'd like. Any suggestions?

-Andrew Amazinggrace



Dear Amazingface,

Quite a common problem that one. Try some weedkiller. Cheers.

-Almigo

*****

Dear Almigo,

How in the seven hells am I supposed to grow a full bed of dodecahedrons when the damn things won't bloom no matter what I try? I've put them in full sun,  partial sun, fun in the sun and even Sunday Bloody Sunday. Is the government at fault or should I use some of that rare blood magic my insane uncle keeps screaming about?
Please help!!

-Gnar, level 10 Druid


Dear Gnar,

A dodecahedron is a shape. I'd suggest you stop drinking that weedkiller.

Regards

-Almigo

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