Just as I was getting into it....for all the wrong reasons.
No seriously, I was quite enjoying the Mist (on Netflix) as a slow motion 30kph olive oil and popcorn covered car accident, you know one of those things that you want to try and look away from but find that you can't. It was the nicely balanced bag of cringe that made it enthralling viewing but sadly it only lasted one season before someone at some network actually stayed awake long enough to take in a couple of episodes, realised people might actually enjoy it (as bad as it was) and pulled the plug instantly.
So I don't feel too bad if I 'purely accidentally' drop a few spoiler bombs throughout this piece as it's incredibly unlikely the Mist will every roll into town again. Still, if you haven't seen it so far you're keen on watching the first season, stop reading now. Finish it, come back later and see how spot on I was.
It's okay, this will still be here when you're ready.
MEET THE CHARACTERS THAT PROBABLY DROVE THE MIST TO MURDEROUS MAYHEM. OR NOT. WE'LL NEVER ACTUALLY KNOW.
This is Alex. Alex gets sexually assaulted at a party, gets almost burnt alive in a kitchen, almost has her soul and life drained out of her by Mr Mysterious Mist and is number one on the list of 'people the panicked mall survivors would most like to lynch' yet still has time to laugh and play with and fall in love with the guy accused of taking advantage of her while passed out at the party.
I'm sorry but shouldn't you be more of a wreck than an interstate pile up from half of the horrible things that have happened to you?
Oh and you just found out your dad isn't actually your dad and why your mum rarely gets a fine when speeding. Your world is crumbling girl, probably not the best time to fall in love. Just saying.
This is her dad, Punchy McBreakface. No wait, I mean Splinter Yournosebone. I mean Kevin Copeland. No he's not her actual dad but he's the dad you wished you had when a murderous mist comes a rolling in as he'll happily protect you. Unless you're out to hurt one of his family members or any of the party he travels with in which case run because Buster Yourballsin is really to unleash a full can of destruction down on you. You can't help but feel for the guy because all he wants to do is protect his family no matter what, even if that means he has to travel with a group of absolute psychos and punch, whack and bludgeon anyone who tries to get in their way. Incredibly you actually cheer him on when he creates a very bad night for all of the people in the mall who really should have stopped and thought about things for at least half a second.
Half human, half high-elf, half cyborg (wait a minute...) Eve Copeland's superpower is viciously staring at everything and reliving her past with every breath. Enjoying sex immensely back in the day, she now teaches sex education at the local school and keeping Alex away from anything with a penis.
While stuck in the mall she spends a lot of time viciously staring at things, people, fountains, stalls, staircases and the mist outside. She also mentally wishes Jay constant heart attacks that never eventuate and leaves a dodgy soldier to die in a misty hallway and two of his fellow soldiers celebrate his lack of return by hanging themselves in a plot arc we'll never actually find the reason for. She may have possibly given them a vicious stare first.
If looks could kill, she'd be more dangerous than that determined white cloud lurking outside..
Bryan Hunt has a problem. When a couple actually - the misty mist just turned his dog into a milkshake and less importantly, he's not actually Bryan Hunt. No Bryan is in hospital you see and this guy is actually Jonah Dixon. If they made it to the second season, he'd probably get another name changer like Frederick Sandwich or Joe Hammersmith. Jonah wakes up with no idea who he is, where he is, what happened to his dog, why he's in uniform and how he's fast enough to out race a pretty hot footed mist on the warpath. He then gets arrested, falls in love with a junkie, kills the guy who is actually him, has flashbacks of being tuned into a human battery and then leaves her because someone else from the army tells him he's important. Apparently he's part of the Arrowhead group where people randomly hang themselves because they know what's going on. Of course he doesn't, he didn't even know if his dog was actually his before it became tree fertilizer.
Now while Gus here certainly looks and plays the part of a completely out of touch mall manager, what those around him fail to realise is that he's actually the spirit of the 80's come back to..uh...add more funk to the 2017 mist rolling by. Clad in the finest of 80's plaid, everything about Gus screams the 80's and if Breako Yourcollarbone wasn't so clumsy in parking his jeep through the malls front door, Gus would have eventually converted the mall survivors to worshipping his leg warmers and his mighty power tie til their final breath.
While we never learn Gus's fate after locking himself in his office when the stuff dances in, we can only assume he manages to use his secret spirit powers to transport himself back to the 80's to recharge on his magnificent throne made of ghetto blasters before coming back to our time to battle the mist with a combination of break dancing and cassette tapes.
There are a handful of truly dangerous human survivors you need to watch for and Sally Smackhead (aka Mia) makes up about 75% of that list. When she's not high, she's lethal. And given how much running away from what looks like pretty sweet looking bong smoke there is for our rag tag bunch of survivors, she doesn't get much chance to sing along to the Best of Cyprus Hill very often. Mia has more testicles than half the mall when it comes to being brave and can hallucinate just fine on her own without any fog interference thank you very much.
Things really start to look up for Mia when she and Soldier Boy really start to click but before you can say 'things are looking a little foggy here' he leaves her for another soldier. Given enough time (and another season) she would probably get angry about that, walk outside and low blow the mist right in the happy bags. One character you'd happily have a beer with, provided you disarmed her first.
Poor Father Noidea was just trying to help - sheltering survivors, giving them faith (and a few sips of blessed wine), banging out some happy hymms on the church organ and being the calm in the center of the hurricane.
But no, some bloody spider loving nude hippy and her easily converted zombie cop follower blow in and ruin everything.
This includes: Church services, the alter boy, Father Noidea and the actual church itself.
Yes his plan of 'Who's god is the strongest you crazy hippy bitch?' did mange to backfire in the most spectacular of ways however how many people can say that they stood up the horsemen of the Apocalypse and lived?
For about 4.5 seconds?
Oh wait, here she is - Grandma Genocide. Not content with feeding death moths to hordes of hungry passing toads, she suddenly decides that after her hippy husband headbutts a passing bullet, she can suddenly talk to nature and the jar full of baby spiders commands her to go even loopier than before. First she gets mothman killed, then the alter boy grilled and then to make sure the horsemen of the apocalypse avoid her like the plague, she nudes up and strolls right into the chilly night where nothing wants a bar of her. Leaving poor Father Godmybackhurts to his fate she strolls back into the church like she owns the place (actually..) and convinces everyone including her now converted cop to follow her. Those that don't stay at the church for a lovely BBQ (of which they're the meat) and anyone who falls behind gets stabbed and eaten by rats. Did we mention that her solution to ending the fog is by throwing the cop's son out into it? Something about beauty or something but I missed that because I was too busy yelling at the television about how utterly insane she is.
Her plan doesn't work. No surprise there.
Oh dear, where do we start with Connor here? Terrible cop, worse father, world's most easily converted acolyte. He's powerless against visiting mists, nude hippies and maintaining order that doesn't involve punching priests. As soon as he gets rid of his son (showing as much empathy as throwing out a half eaten cheeseburger) he finds he has a daughter and towards the end of the season he faces every twist and surprise moment with a look blanker than a fresh ream of photocopier paper. (Apparently if his blank look faces directly at one of Eve's fierce glares, they cancel each other out.) He's the reverse Kevin in terms of being a team player, a great date and ultimately useful but will quite happily stab you if you don't believe that a small jar of spiders knows the intricate details of the world's problems and how to solve them. Oh course he survives - we can't kill off every useless father in one big hit can we?
Johnny Football Hero. Son of shit cop. Actually a pretty decent guy when you find out that no, it wasn't him who did the bad things to Alex in the first episode. Get's beaten, gets burnt, gets thrown the Mist on the wishes of an old fruitcake but not before he almost creates a Game of Throne's family moment with his unknown step-sister.
Died by taking one for the team.
Which only leaves one...
Ol Captain Shitheel himself, the guy even the Mist thinks twice about facing off in a 'Who is the most evil bastard in this show?' battle - Adrian 'The Unrelenting Terror' Garff. One of the most manipulating bastards you'll ever meet when a natural disaster comes to town, he's more twisted than a packet of Twisties in a car crusher with a series long rap sheet that's includes killing his dad (oh and his mum too, she was out waiting for him), theft, sexual assault, attempting murder of Kevin, lying, emotional manipulation, sociopathic tendencies and blackmail. Equally comfortable behind a wall of tears or some kind of father figure fighting firearm he constantly manages to escape death much to the chagrin of Kevin who discovers what he did to Alex and attempts to beat him into hamburger paste.
Of course this little bastard escapes. It was inevitable. Had the series gone on long enough, he probably would have taught the mist a few things along the way too..
So did anyone else get as much 'so bad it's good' amusement out of this show as I did? Let me know below..
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