Not really a haven for the horny

New look, who dis?

So anyone who has been visiting this particular blog for longer than the length of a cup of coffee will have undoubtedly noticed the new look - a shiny new coat of paint influx of code that tidies things up and breathes a bit of life back into everything. 

And amazingly my Google Analytics is working again! I don't know what I added (or possibly deleted) during the new install but I'm thrilled to be able to pour a snifter of bargain brandy again and sip it while making approving noises over Google's findings, such as:

-It's almost a tie for the number one position as to where you all hail from, between the USA and here in Australia. (Although a shout out to the one person from Trinidad who swung by for a look recently..)

-I'm a big hit in California, not so much in Kentucky. Is Arnold still your governor Cali? I'm not great with keeping up with the news you see. (Although I know it never was Jessie Ventura..)

-While I live in Queensland, most of my traffic here in Australia comes south of the border thanks to NSW. Thanks New South!

-Apparently a lot of you love a bit of DIY (me too!), love looking at cars and car parts (me too!) and recently changed jobs, so congrats! (Not me) 

-Most of you (80%) have testicles. Hey me too! (but I aim to entertain/annoy everyone regards of what hardware you pack.) 

 

Just another reason for another Ventura pic here

But with great power this new look, comes great responsibility some new dodgy spam.

I get excited when I receive an email that tells me someone has commented on a post here...and then disappointed just as quickly when I realize it's spam. And for some reason the new look has attracted someone who seems to have a terminal case of the horniness and somehow wants me to do something about it?

Behold, their pleas for me to...eh...come round and clean the pool? 

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Click here and Check me out i am getting naked here ;)

Kiss me hard & f**k me harder! Click here and Check me out i am getting naked here ;)

I need more sex, ok? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world. Click here and Check me out i am getting naked here ;)

No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor. Hey, i am looking for an online sexual partner ;) Click on my boobs if you are interested (. )( .)

And so on and so forth. (Also I changed the links to not give these idiots any promotion. Clicking them 'accidentally' is fine, enjoy where you end up!)

Somehow I have ended up with someone's least loyal girlfriend ever who still uses imperial measurements and isn't finding any pleasure whatsoever in housework (I can relate.) Also judging by the third one, she is also keen on trying my world famous spag bog recipe, and I don't blame her.  

Now before any of you who still subscribe to the school of 'Dear Penthouse is real dammit!' chime in with 'Hey lucky you, she sounds like a hoot!' understand the following:

1. I'm happy married (sorry spammy Sammy, no spaghetti dinner for you)

2.  It's spam.

3. It's more than likely she won't look like this: 

I don't enjoy housework, at all! Let me tell you what I do enjoy, big boy..

And is more likely akin to this: 

You pay me monies, I bring out the boobies.

And since it's as legitimate as my internet doctor's certification, it has no place here. The spam gets deleted for it has a chance to suck anyone in (although if you're stupid enough to fall for something like that then you are definitely on the wrong blog...)

 So sorry not sorry to the mad spammer keen on getting me to click dodgy links and serve up my famous pasta to another woman (or man pretending to be one), this place isn't a haven for the horny. You the entire internet to roam so with my blessing, f##k off and annoy someone else. 

In the meantime, how are you enjoy the change?  Anything you spot out of order/your own amazing  recipe - feel free to let me know in a comment below!