You have one new all employee email!

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention...

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that when someone discovers that the powdered milk dispenser on the coffee machine is empty, rather than filling it they choose to send out an all staff email instead alerting the rest of the office that it's empty.

Replacement bags can be found in the cupboard directly underneath it.

Also while the note left on the bags reading 'Worst. Cocaine. Ever.' was slightly amusing, it certainly isn't appropriate so please stop.

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that there are a number of vehicles parked downstairs in the company car park that shouldn't be there. The limited number of car spaces we lease from this building are for our company cars only, not that half finished ice cream van project found on Gumtree that for some reason you couldn't store at home.

Yes Gary, we know it's yours. Please move it. 

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that there are a number of motor oil stains on some of our car parking spots in the underground car park. If your vehicle is responsible for these leaks then it is your responsibility to clean them up too for the safety and courtesy of others. 

Leaving a note next to them explaining 'The oil is good for the concrete' does not count as dealing with the situation nor is it at all factual. 

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that there have been a number of inappropriate suggestions that have been popping up in our suggestion box. While we appreciate your thoughts, feedback and suggestions for the weekly catch up meeting, anything in the suggestion box along the lines of 'Get to the f***ing point' or 'Show us your ****' are not productive nor enjoyed.

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that many around this office believe that our weekly Multicultural Awareness Day is an opportunity to speak in strange accents and/or use words that are completely made up. This is not the case.  

We had an incredibly embarrassing situation recently when our board of directors made a surprise visit to this office and everyone they met greeted them with hoots and absolute gibberish.

Knock it off! 

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that someone over the weekend visited the office and then filled all of the In trays with pictures of old English Inns for some reason. 

Not only was this a terrible waste of resources, we still can't see the funny side of it. 

No more of this please.

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

Firstly thank you for labeling all of your food in the staff fridge to avoid confusion. However it has come to our attention that someone keeps coming along and leaving notes rating the appearance each meal for some reason.

For the record my cheese and pickle sandwich that only scored one and a half stars was actually quite delicious and looked better than the rating of 'looks s***house' according to our mystery reviewer.

But enough already, please. 

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that someone keeps stealing all the forks.

Why? What are you planning to do with them? It's not like you can melt them down and create something magical with stolen forks. 

Whoever it is, put them back you idiot. 

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that many in the office believe there's a monthly prize for the best hoarder of all the company coffee cups.

There most certainly is not. 

I don't know where this daft idea started from but it is embarrassing when you go to make a coffee for a visiting company dignitary and the only thing they can drink out of is a paint faded and slightly dented promo thermos from a campaign we ran three years ago.

Put your cups back please.

Regards

-Management

Dear Employees,

It has come to our attention that there have been too many employees in the one meeting room as of late. Due to Covid-19 restrictions in place, the maximum number is now 10. Before the restrictions came in, it was 20. 

The weekly games of 'How many bodies can we cram into this b***h' need to cease immediately.

Regards

-Management

Dear Gary,

Thanks for volunteering to build the music list for the big visit of the son of the CEO visiting this Friday. However it has come to our attention that the song you want to play when he first sets foot in this office is 'No son of mine' by Genesis.

No. Just no. And not just because it's Genesis.

Try again.

Regards

-Management