Silent Dragon - no dragons, just cannons

We questioned where the actual cops went and why nobody understood the concept of undercover work last week with Undercover Cops, today though we're looking at a game about Dragons. Actually it's more about HAVING THE BEST ARMS EVER BRO. 

Introducing Armfest 2000 Silent Dragon.

Even the description fails to mention dragons (unless the fighters are the dragons and they don't like to talk to each other?)

Silent Dragon is a 2D side-scrolling beat 'em-up game that puts players in the shoes of Joe the fighter, Lee the Kung Fu master, Kato the Ninja or G.I. Sonny. DR. Bio is planning to take over a ruined city in 19XX. He plans to create mutant monster with controllable DNA to accomplish this goal. On top of that Joe’s girlfriend and Sonny’s sister Catherine has been kidnapped. It’s up to you to thwart this evil plan.

Rightio then, stop the evil scrawny boffin and flex when you can along the way. I mean that seems to be the design briefing of Silent Dragons - every single person in this game must look like they're on their way to the Arnold Invitational. Because back in 1992 when this came out, the bigger the arms, the bigger the ah....arcade revenue? I'll come back to this. 

Some of the sleeve busting highlights from the first couple of levels: 

McBuff the Ninja can't even hold a damn katana without flexing. Meanwhile Sgt Guns has fallen over in raucous laughter after Shifty McPump just asked him 'Do you even lift bro?' 

Now if it looks like flat top here has taken a moment to feel up his bulging bicep while Sgt Guns gets whipped by a passing dominatrix while he prepares the nipple clamp torture battery unit....well that's because it is. I'm not sure who the construction workers are cheering on over there but at least they're having fun. 

'Okay, so who was next in line for the nipple zapper? Also check out my peaks!' Flat Top wastes no time when an opportunity to put on a show and impress random workers comes along.

Even the random bad guys look like they're working out with an invisible barbell. You can't catch the swoles by doing nothing bro!

Flat Top sneaks in another quick feel. That's the good stuff right there!

FFS,  we wish he would stop doing that. It's embarrassing now. 

When you become a buff daddy, you can levitate on leg day. Mohawk Mountain doesn't seem impressed though. Or maybe he's tired of Flat Top fondling his arms for the 100th time this game. 

Hulk Hogan's 9th cousin Bulk Bogan (twice removed) engages our heroes in a pose off. Flat Top loses more points for a lack of posing variation. 

Demento the Pirate is super happy that Wu Train is attempting to bring back the 'Walk like an Egyptian' dance. McBuff shows offs his weapon...while holding a weapon. Team Green prepare for a dance off. 

There's some kind of power up in this game that makes you even more powerful than a round of heavy squats. I forget what it is but the side effects are turning red and people around you starting to dance badly.  

The description of this game never mentioned a dual mime performance of pulling on a rope to entertain a sumo wrestler with an Elvis hairdo who wants to join the Legion of Doom.

That's probably for the best really. 

That's top level graffiti there! Maybe it's meant as an insult to the heroes lifting technique? They won't be happy with that!