It's been far too long since we fired up the old Mame system and took a poke around some long forgotten roms (In fact the last one was seven years back!) So at a loose end tonight, I've fired up Undercover Cops from 1992.
A game that has nothing to do with going undercover nor has any cops in it it turns out..
(Just quickly I'm happy to report that along with the kids, I'm still using my LunchMame controllers and they're all working brilliantly. They've taken quite a hammering with a few game sessions but keep on ticking. Also Gameex is still my Mame Front end of choice - looks great, easy to setup and hasn't fallen over yet.)
Right, on with this strictly not undercover whatsoever mission then!
So twenty-three years from now but unfortunately Undercover Cops doesn't mention if that nasty Covid-19 is still an issue in the future. Judging by the massive flocks of birds just farting about the first level, I'm guessing the world has now moved into a new version of bird flu.
The (unknown) town has gone to shit and so have any and all supplies of quality material that isn't a shade of brown or green. Judging by the quality fitment we see in this illustrious council basement, quality seamstresses have also been eradicated.
But it's okay because Mayor Green has a brilliant idea on how to increase the peace.
With Undercover Cops as the title hints?
Of course not. With operatives named after machinery that wakes up when it swings by your house at 5am of course! The infamous STREET SWEEPERS! Who else would CLEAN up the DIRTY and GROTTY streets?
Let's meet our heroes then, each with names code names comprised of bolting a couple of random action words together!
Fresh out of a day time soap opera, Claude and his fabulously zhuzhed hair was once top dog in the Karate game only to fall from grace for killing a man. Now he makes a living swanning around his his pajamas...and eh...killing more men.
That look is a cross between Blue Steel and Dr Who bad guy sneer. Lethal Claude, lethal.
Also can we just point out that Lightning Slasher sounds like something you'd bolt on the front of some heavy duty farm machinery.
Claude had to kill a man with his bare hands to become a Street Sweeper, 'Bubba' here only had to rough someone up. Basically Vinnie Jones meets Booster Gold with a neck thicker than a couple of phone books.
Also I'm just guessing here but it wouldn't surprise me that his nickname came from a happy hour special shot down the road from the game design center. It certainly sounds like a shot glass of cinnamon whiskey mixed with something incredible stupid - like sherbet or lime juice perhaps.
Flame looks like she just stepped out of youth group at Sunday church and took the wrong turn home. Also her weight is a secret because you know it's rude to ask.
Does she also identify as a man now on account of being an ex-female? Was she Flamette before the change? Can she exorcise demons with her hatred of evil? Why is the gale blue? Gah! So many questions!
BTW Blue Gale Revenger sounds like the cheapest and nastiest blue paint you could buy at Bunnings Warehouse. Just saying.
Seriously Mayor Green, this is worst idea you've had since you cut back on most of the office lighting last year and allowed Dmitri to smoke during meetings again..
I'm thinking more 'casting head shot catalog' than 'pick your bad ass.' Once again innocent church going girl next door Flame looks completely out of place.
You start off on the beach. Because when the Mayor tells you to sweep the streets, the obviously place to start is on the sand, right next to the ocean. It's nice to see the Ruby Princess is still going (sort of) in 2043. While some bad guys loot (great place to loot guys, on the beach..) others just cop a squat and shit in the sand. No wonder we need the Street Sweepers on the case to clean this place up!
Claude breathes out a billowing cloud from last night's smoked chicken pizza street sweeper planning party while Top Knot here contemplates life in general and the meaning of existence. Not sure what the other guy is up to but he sure looks tired.
Completely ignoring the mission missive to
go undercover, Claude instead reverts to his Karate garb and proceeds to work his way into this vicious gang by attempting to kick them into the middle of next week. Genius!
He must have eaten a lot of smoked chicken because that cloud looks here to stay!
Oh dear. While waiting for someone to confuse him for a bad guy and invite him to experience the inner workings of a criminal empire so he could sweep it out from the inside, it looks like Claude has somehow tripped over himself and opened a hole in the space time continuum.
Or his foot exploded for no good reason at all.
Yeah I'm not too sure what to make of this. A shout out to the skeletons hanging about, trying their hardest not to notice this idiot and his randomly exploding body parts.
Insert your own 'Get the flock out of here.' Or perhaps they're crows? In which case 'Get the murder out of here' doesn't really work on account of Claude already thumping people to bits in the sand before we get to this point. Nine times out of ten they're picking the last dregs of meat off a skeleton before they fly off, the one time out of ten it'll be a bad guy getting a crow grooming.
That's how style works in 2043, birds groom you while you laze on the beach and gaze wistfully at chemical refineries in the distance.
Obviously some ancient 2012 civilization lived here once and now Claude has set archaeological efforts back a great deal by tearing this random pole out. While lifting it up, the animation makes him look like he's humping away at it.
I don't remember that technique ever being suggested during dead lift class.
Just a man on the beach, swinging his pole with mad abandon and making it look fabulous. Beefy McManhunk walking in obviously wants a go.
Let this be a lesson kids, the more you use your pole on others, the shorter it gets. The giant looks quite stunned at revelation.
Ahh finally! An actual attempt at going undercover! No one will suspect this large fish on legs being one of those infernal Street Sweepers!
Top thinking there Claude!
(Also what's going on with the graffiti? Has everyone forgotten how to work in 2043? Given the workers having a headache break over there, we'd suggest so!)
Well if they won't work, Claude will! First he'll take this brass I beam section to....er...wherever they melt it down to the make the workers uniforms here. Not sure if the lazy layabout workers are cheering him or cursing his existence at this point.
Cue Ball is miffed that Claude got his measurements wrong and now his pants are too tight. But that's what happens when a street sweeper pretends to me a metalworking tailor in a terrible attempt to go undercover. Maths is hard!
(We won't tell old Cue that the underwear goes on the inside on the metal chinos..)
While Claude rushes off for some more steel thread, Bubba appears! He was on his way to a really bad Warhammer 40K Cosplay party when he got the call to sweep some streets and after running on the sand, boy are his legs tired!
To get this factory party started, he mimes shaking a cocktail. This party trick never fails to break the ice!
Wait...Cue Ball was a cyborg this whole time?? Why was he complaining about his metal pants then? (Unless of course they blocked the signal to his inbuilt Bang Bus channel possibly.) Boy did this reveal disappoint the watchers on, especially Beefy on the right who is off to drown his sorrows somewhere.
Quality control not being great in the far future, Cue Ball takes a powder break and suddenly explodes. This leaves Bubba free to work through his collection of mimes again! First we break out the cocktail shaker because the crowd loved that one!
Next we chop some vegies!
Cue Ball still burns.
Everyone loves a bouncing bunny!
Finally we get a taste of Bubba's legendary mid air golf swing! We haven't seen this in play since he tried it in the middle of a football game and injured three members of his own team. Still it's great to see he's okay with reliving the past for the entertainment of the beach going public.
It's just what a street sweeper does. They made be terrible at doing anything undercover (or pretending to be cops) but boy howdy can they entertain!
(This game was run using the PC Game Emulator M.A.M.E - if you're keen to ressurect even more amazing gaming memories like this one on your own PC, make sure you have a read and grab this game emulator for PC right here!)
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