An email to the wrestling booking committee

 Dear AWF Team,

Our huge yearly event Capital Carnage Catastrophe is just a couple of weeks away and we're still looking for ideas for three of the matches, namely:

-The opening bout

-The tag team title match

-The World Heavyweight Championship match.

Hit me up with ideas (pop them in the suggestion box outside of my office), I'm keen to see what you come up with!

-Almigo, CEO of Almigo Wrestling Federation.

Dear AWF Team,

Congratulations to Lazy Mike Hammerlock who was the first one through with a great suggestion for the opening bout - pitting Grizzly Digger against Steamroller Bill in a 'loser leaves AWF for good' match.

This would be exciting stuff, had Grizzly and Bill not left the company two years ago. 

Mike, I suggest you have a look at the current roster and try again.

Keep those ideas coming though!

-Almigo

Dear AWF Team,

A shout out to Ian the Ironman for his suggestions to really make the tag team title match a bit more exciting. However unfortunately I can see some flaws with all of them which I've noted below:

-A steel cage match (we don't have one)

-Tables ladders and chairs match (too expensive unless they bring their own)

-Submissions only (Sadly the teams of The Punch Brothers and Dick Kickers don't actually know any submissions so this could take a while to end.)

-The ring is on fire match (oh hell no)

-Shit in a sandwich match (I don't know how this works nor do I want to.)

Open to any other suggestions?

-Almigo

 Dear AWF Team,

'First to be completely stripped of their fur' match for the world title is a truly stupid idea. I don't know who put this in the suggestion box (I heavily suspect Furry Chris may have hand a hand in it somehow..) but it will not be happening on my show.

Think more along the lines of falls count anywhere, iron man and best of three falls matches, those sorts of things.

Cheers

-Almigo

Dear AWF Team,

'Piss on a rope.' 

No, just no. Unless that's an anonymous insult in the suggestion box and not a match idea, in which case stop now before I start firing people.

Come on people, match ideas! How hard can it be?

-Almigo

Dear AWF Team,

Sigh.

Okay, who came up with this convoluted bullshit?

'Sticky Mickey and Snotburger Jones start off in the ring, a few back and forth moves to get the crowd warmed up and then BAM, Clownface the Fish comes out from under the ring, grabs the house mic and announces 'We're taking over!' Suddenly the lights go out and then back on again and there's a fat ringmaster in the ring now who announcers that it's a falls count anywhere no rules thirty man over the top rope battle royal. The swerve is, all thirty men are actually Teacher Desmond who walks back to the locker room every time he's eliminated, only to enter again with a different number on his chest. We have a couple of run ins from Kon Computer and Diesel Tank Cleaner and Mickey is about to pin Jones when Sterile Suzy appears and reveals that she's pregnant and Desmond is the father. Clownface pins himself in the confusion and is announced as the new champion.'

I'm really starting to think this suggestion box idea was a terrible one.

-Almigo

Dear AWF Team,

'If you don't like our ideas, do it yourself' amazingly was the best suggestion in the box all along. In that case all the faces will win and the heels will not. The swerve here though, is that you're all fired.

-Almigo

P.s Don't forget to buy your tickers to Capital Carnage Catastrophe, it's going to be a cracker!

Enjoyed this tale from the squared circle? Make sure you check out the time I tried to run World Championship Wrestling via an emulator for a week with hilarious results. Or maybe the time I watched some real wrestling and found the good and the bad in a WWE Royal Rumble back in 201l..