Every great coach needs a great assistant coach to back them up get them coffee and Powerade. So after sifting through a bunch of resumes on my desk, I've finally made my selection and gone with Disco Inferno.
As long as he doesn't decided to
replace all my players with aliens, we should be ready to let the bodies hit the floor for round one!
Of course seconds into his appointment, he points out a minor flaw in my lineup going into match weekend.
Boss you've got Bachar Houli lined up to play but he hasn't been cleared from injury. I don't think it would be a good idea to play him until he's got the all clear from Dr Hacksaw.
I tried to convince him that this was part of my cunning plan, to put the team list out there and make everyone else in this league think it was a good idea to play all their injured players...and then swap out Bachar last minute, but Disco didn't buy it. So in the first change up this week:
OUT: Bachar Houli
IN: Lachie Henderson
Also the actual coach of my beloved Tigers has announced that Tiger Trent will be lining up for their first game of the season so there's no point in having him sit on the sidelines, laying in wait.
OUT: Hugh Greenwood
IN: Trent Cotchin
Also boss I don't know if you know this, but you've also got weekly one on ones too.
'Of course I know this! Go and muck out the stables already!' (Of course I didn't). At first I thought he meant one on one meetings with the head of football, a sort of solo pow wow where they go over how much of a footy genius I truly am over Bolivian cigars and how much the league is thrilled to have me on board and by the way here's a pay rise etc but no. He's referring to the clash between myself and another coach each week!
This week Flex Daddy steps up to the plate to put his mob up against mine in a battle of points for...uh...something to talk about come Monday?
Project points wise, the stats computer 2000 reckons I'm just a wasp knob ahead but we'll see after all the dust settles!
Speaking of F Daddy boss, he just asked for a trade..
Really? Who could he possibly want? We haven't even played a single ro-
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, no. The champ remains right here buddy. That's a decline button hammering right there!
An hour later, he was trying to trade me someone for Zorko. No Tim, bad Tim!
However two hours before the first game of the season started?
Boss you're not going to be happy to hear this but Trent's out of action. He's Disturbed and the Doc's said no dice.
It took me a few minutes to work out that he hadn't gone crazy, Disco using 'Disturbed' meant Trent was actually Down with a sickness. I yelled at him 'Why couldn't you just tell me he was sick?' but by then he was dancing down the corridor and out of hearing range.
An attack of Gastro and by the time I got round to trying to sub in a replacement, the game had already started. Off to a flyer!
(For some reason both Disco and I had glossed over the fact that Jack Martin from Carlton was also not playing this round and we still had him on field...well we're still getting the hang of this game..)
On with the round one games!
THURSDAY THROWDOWN
RICHMOND V CARLTON
A thumping start to the round as someone remembered to put methanol in the turbos and Dusty warms up after a couple of quarters to put on a clinic (and a few bionic elbows) and helps the Tigers get the win and open my account with a nice haul of points.
158 is a cracking start for my star player with Prestia and Lambert also adding to the pile. Vlastuin only walked away with 39 but it's hard to get a look in when Dusty is crackling away on all cylinders.
FRIDAY FREE FOR ALL
COLLINGWOOD V WESTERN BULLDOGS
Even on opposite teams, both Pendlebury and English put on a terrific show with 102 and 96 points respectively. Did my motivational 'Get out there and do it for the sick kiddies?' speech really inspire them that much? Did I even make that speech? Not sure but top work gents!
SATURDAY SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ADELAIDE V GEELONG
While Dangerfield proves his worth with a nice 92 points, unfortunately he also manages to hit someone with a Canadian Destroyer. For those new to one of the most perplexing wrestling moves, it looks a little like this:
Highly unimpressed with this high risk move, the ref reports him and there's a chance he might be rubbed out for a couple of weeks, reducing my G Town soldiers to just Henderson who only scraped in 56 points.
Meanwhile Lynch racks up a much more impressive 112 points...but from the bench which means it doesn't count. However it's impressed me enough to pop him back on ground for the next round..
BRISBANE V SYDNEY
No one got hit by a missile dropkick which means they all get to play again next week, Joy! Zorko puts on a show (114), McCluggage puts in an effort (68) and McInerney puts in a blinder (109)...from the bench. Seems it's a decent bench I have going on which is great for the sidelines, not so much anywhere else..
HAWTHORNE V ESSENDON
My only representative is this game is the One Year Remaining (OYR) Burgoyne. He turns up, laces up the boots and coughs up 54 points. Better than no points!
SUNDAY SHOWDOWN
By the time Sunday rolls around my handy burst of points that put me somewhere near the top have really started to fade, relegating me down somewhere near the lower levels of the league ladder. Namely last place.
But maybe a miracle will occur with the three players I've never heard of remaining in my to play list?
Of course not. This is my team we're talking about..
NORTH MELBOURNE V PORT ADELAIDE
I don't know when, I don't want to know when but all of a sudden I'm seeing McDonald on the 'DID NOT PLAY' section of my team sheet. Don't tell me he got hit by a Canadian Destroyer too??
(Nay, a quad injury has him swapped out.) Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff....
Which means my only hope left remains with a bloke called Hurn and the other Hugh...
FINALLY, WEST COAST V GOLD COAST SUNS
While Greenwood phones it in with a lackluster 50 points while Hurn defies all expectations and puts on a show stopping 118 points and the second highest points grab from all my players. Still not enough to stop this out of control train from happening though:
Well that didn't quite work out quite the way I wanted it to did it?
Injuries, a possible suspension and some good players currently riding the pine. Can we get this opening mess sorted and in some semblance of order before round 2 ruins everything? Stay tuned!
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