The Coach with the most! Ep 6: The Stats attack

Given that nothing from threats of walking the plank to promising slices of supermarket mud cake have worked so far in generating a single win for team Almigo, it's time to break out the math.

So I've poured some data into a spreadsheet, let it bake for a bit and sliced it open to reveal the cooling true facts. Namely who is doing their part and who is really dragging this team down, more than their game average would suggest.

We're going to look at the stats and no I don't mean strength, dexterity or constitution. No saving throws here, just raw data.

No more Dungeons and Dragons references from here on in, kay?

I promise not to get too nerdy here, but let's do it!

SHOW US YOUR SHEET!

No. My mathematical formulas remain a heavily guarded secret. But I can tell you players were ranked on kicks, marks, handballs, tackles, free kicks for, hit outs, goals and points scored in each of their sections (DEF, RUC, MID, FWD).

(They were also penalized for free kicks against, just like in the Supercoach scoring system. You may be a great goal scorer but if you keep mucking about and costing me points somewhere else, that's not ideal.)

The numbers have been crunched and..

Defend this at all cost! (DEF)

GRAND DEFENDER SHIELD BEARER CHAMPION - JAKE LEVER

Turns out Bootyman was a good pick!

According to the numbers, my best defenders are my most recent addition to the defense being Lever and Jiath. Hurn came equal 3rd due to his stunning lack of anything last week, matching with Balta.

Which leaves Henderson on the bench purely as a backup.

Changes made: None, Henderson remains on bench.

Stuck in the middle with you (MID) 

MIDDLE OF THE ROAD CONVOY CAPTAIN - SHEED

My most recent acquisition has turned out to be my most consistent this season even though he's only played for me once so far (stats were based on all games this season playing for me or not). Suprisingly McCluggage who was on the bench should not be there, coming in second. Followed by Gulden, Pendlebury and last weeks superstar Greenwood.

Averaging out Cotchin's scores for his missed week did not help, he's lagging so he can fill in only if we need to.

Changes made: Cotchin to Bench, McCluggage to put the boots back on.

Ruck you, no Ruck you! (RUC)

WE WILL WE WILL WE WILL RUCK YOU REBEL - ENGLISH

I only have two Ruck's to play with currently and English scored just one point ahead of new arrival Hickey. As hesitant as I am to make the change being so close, I am going with the stats on this one.

Changes made: English in, Hickey takes a rest.

Forward, she cried! (FWD)

FRONTLINE FIREPOWER FANATIC - MEMBREY

Okay, wasn't expecting this. But benchwarming Membrey is miles ahead of the others in winning stats across the board and is being wasted just sitting there. Dusty comes in second and it turns out as good as Zorko is, he's costing me a bit in points lost and since I'm trying to plug any major leaks here..

Changes made: Zorko gets swapped for Membrey. Lynch stays on the bench.

Let's see how we go!

Toastie Tuesday

(No it really is Toastie Tuesday where work kindly puts out ingredients for the workers to make as many toasties as possible, awesome!) 

Tyson swings by my office and thanks me for letter Bachar go because he's now joined his team. A bittersweet moment because I'm happy for him even though I never got to see how he played for Team Migo. 

Hopefully not as well as the rest of my players new and old..

Workday Wednesday

Boss, I bring you good news and bad news, which would you like to hear first?

Well bad then, let's get this out of the way early.

This week you face Wortdogsquad as your one on one opponent.

Yeah that's not great at all - he's currently 3W and 1L and top of the ladder. Me on the other hand am still languishing down the bottom (7th) at 4 straight losses. This will be quite the challenge. Okay horn boy, what's the good news?

The computer predictor reckons he'll win too.

Wha...Wait, how the hell is that considered good news?

It reckons it'll be only 8 points between the two of you so there's a great chance for an update!

The score predictor (which I shall now call MODOK from here on in) bases its guesses on players prior performances and other staff that goes right over my head. So far in the last four rounds, this bastard computer has never predicted me having the higher score and taking a win.

The outcome here is not good for team Migo.

Unfortunately it's been correct every time too. Still, 8 points is a razor thin margin so there is hope even if the computer is against me. 

 

Takedown Thursday

At the time of writing...er, blogging, no one is injured. No one has contracted covid-19, the black plague-001, the black lung or mixamatosis. This is good! It means I can enter this round without any last second replacements and hope beyond hope that no one gets taken out by a random death valley driver. 

ONTO THE GAMES!

ST KILDA VS RICHMOND

So the Tigers won this one in the actual AFL, so you'd think that would translate into a bountiful bevy of points for yours truly yes? 

Er no.

Lambert was best on grounds at 94, Dusty went okay at 92 but then it got progressively worse with Membrey pulling in 51 and Balta only 39.

After this game Modok changed the margin of me winning from 8 to 50. 

Not a great start..

WEST COAST VS COLLINGWOOD

The ever reliable Sheed (104) and Pendlebury (95) put on a great example of how a game should be played. Sadly the only people that turned up to watch them in action and take notes were Lever and McCluggage as everyone else was busy watching their favorite shows on Disney Plus and Netflix, which would be reflected in their performance soon enough.

SYDNEY VS GWS

On the field Gulden fell flat at 66.

On the bench Hickey did better at 87.

Nothing really remotely exciting to write about this one.

Modok's evil laughter goes up slightly in volume.

WESTERN BULLDOGS VS GOLD COAST SUNS

Decidedly average. That's the best way to describe my players in this game, decidedly average. Bruce scores the second lowest of the round with just 40. Everyone else involved is rubbish and it doesn't bare repeating here. 

Modok is grinning like a complete idiot now with the margin getting even larger with every round.

BRISBANE LIONS VS ESSENDON

There comes a time in each round when someone you did not expect to step up, steps up and puts on an absolute clinic of point scoring madness. That someone is McLuggage who racks up the highest score of the round with 140. At this stage it won't turn the tables (unless every player yet to play emulates his success, highly doubtful) but it's a welcome bright signal flair in the decidedly average darkness of low scoring.

Dangerous Zorko scores 101 from the bench, just to annoy me.

HAWTHORN VS MELBOURNE

Lever is a machine. Unfortunately he's only one machine in a team that's badly lacking in machinery. Still his 107 points are a more than welcome edition in trying to save some face this round.

Jiath drags in 72. Come on, lift your game son.

NORTH MELBOURNE VS GEELONG

Henderson splutters, only 58 points get added to the tally. 

Modok irritatingly starts singing the blues because the difference is 83 points in the end.

SO DID THE MATHS WORK THEN? 

Er, kinda?

McCluggage back in was a power move.

English over Hickey was not and neither was benching Zorko.

Still winless after 6 rounds. Maybe I should get rid of everyone and start again?

I predict even more dismal failure if you try that idea.

Noted. Now shut up, I'm thinking.

And here's what I've come up with! Will it work? God only knows (wish me luck!)