The Coach with the most! Ep 7: Farewell to the fell short seven

So the math last round let me down, pretending to be pirates didn't help and the threat of walking the plank has only been so-so in its effectiveness.

How my team seems to be performing right now.

What else is there to do other than cut a few players loose and hopefully find some free agent guns ready to fire? And I can thank the team lawyer Wallstreet for my latest idiotic idea.

I never carry anything than 100 notes in my wallet. If people can't deal with that then they shouldn't be operating such a failure of a five star restaurant or exotic massage parlor.

I heard him explain that to Mantaur just a couple of days ago and it got me thinking, 'Hmm, 100 is a good number. I mean I need scores of 100+ from players each round to stand a fighting chance, so why don't we get rid of anyone who can't seem to climb to that number in the season so far?'

Harsh but fair in my attempt to actually win anything, so that means goodbye to:

BALTA

COTCHIN

Both have never hit 100 this season but that's not really a revolutionary sweep is it? I mean 2 out of 19 isn't really shaking things up? How about we add the rule: 'Needs to have hit 100 or more more than once this season.'

So now looking for a possible pickup from the other players due to landing on the free agent list:

BRUCE

LYNCH

HENDERSON

ENGLISH

LAMBERT (As much as it pains me)

A bit better, with over a quarter of the team cut. 

Now to find 7 new players who have hit 100 more than once this season. That shouldn't be too hard should it?

So this round we welcome to Team Migo..

ALIIR ALIIR - (PORT) DEF

Represented by: WCW's The Gambler (The who? I don't know either, he looks like Jorah Mormont from Game of Thrones... if you squint.)

Hitting 100 twice in the last couple of games, Aliir should hopefully cough up a few more points into this lagging part of my lineup. If he could do this while throwing around a deck of playing cards, that would be super cool too.

JORDAN DAWSON - (SYD) - DEF

Represented by: Jerry Flynn

Here's a bit of a problem, after Aliir none of the free list defenders have managed to get over 100 points more than once. Jordan has come close though (98), so that works for me in replacing Henderson. I will be keeping an eye on him though.
See thank plank over there? Stay off it. Cheers.

TOBY NANKERVIS - (RICH) - RUC

Represented by: Super Calo

Has hit the 100+ club twice and I was very happy to find him somewhere near the top of the free agents list. The fact that he is a Tiger had no influence at all in me snapping him up. Not even slightly. YELLOW AND BLACK! 

Yep, not even a little bit..

BRANDON ELLIS (GOLD COAST) - MID

Represented by: PN News

One of the Hugh's gets a mate from his team joining the clan, a top midfielder who has crossed the 100 line a truly impressive three times!

Also if we ever find success in this game and somehow gain some sponsorship, then I'm hoping Bunnings jumps on board so we can promote the Ellis Trellis..

No?

SHANE EDWARDS - (RICH) - MID

Represented by: Mike Sanders

Another member of Team Tigers joins the fray which is timely given how many of them I've been forced to say goodbye to. With him now in the mix, my lowest average player (which is Shane here) for the midfield is at 94.2 and if we can keep it to that or higher, we'll be in good stead.

BAILEY DALE - WESTERN BULLDOGS - FWD

Represented by: Sick Boy

Similar to the quality defender problem above, by the time it came to replace Bruce with another FWD, stats were limited. So I've gone with fellow Bulldog in Dale who has hit 100+ once and done better than Bruce has in other rounds. It's either than or wait a couple of days to see who else hits the free agent list but I reckon there won't be too many guns added to it anyway so best to grab Dale now and see how he goes.

Don't let me down Dale.

TAYLOR DURYEA - WESTERN BULLDOGS - FWD/DEF

Represented by: La Parka

Taylor is a rare breed as you can put him up front but you can also have him sub in if defense goes haywire, one of the few double agents available. Obviously you've got to watch where the Bulldogs play him each round because there's no point in me placing him up front when in the game he's working on defense and vice versa.

So now the team makeup from round one:

Richmond 31.5%

Brisbane 15.5%

North Melbourne, West Coast, Collingwood, Bulldogs, Carlton, Crows, St Kilda, Gold Coast and Hawks 5% each

Now looks a whole heap different come round seven:

Richmond and Sydney 15%

Eagles, Bulldogs, Brisbane and Gold Coast 10%

Collingwood, Melbourne, Hawthorne, Port Adelaide and St Kilda 5%

Traumatic Thursday

My opponent this week has been revealed and go one on one with bottom of the ladder Griffith Sux who is in the exact same boat as I am with 0 zeros and 5 straight losses. This means one of us will break the drought! And after submitting my new look/better stats/keep it one hundred team to Modok, it crunched the numbers, ran the prediction program and gave me this unhelpful answer.

At this early stage I predict a margin of just 34 points

Well that's great, but who do you see ahead?

Not you. 

Oh FFS. Still, this grim outlook may just change once the teams are finalized before the first game tomorrow night. Hopefully.

Freakless Friday

While I (and the rest of the football world) wait for the teams to be finalized and Modok to have another think about things, one of the crew here whipped this team pic up as our messenger logo!

That's me back row, 2nd from the right repping the mighty Black and Yellow, thanks Jess!

Round 6 player report card

Rather than go round by round this week, I'm opting to give each player a report and compare their performance this round to a car equivalent. Obviously you'd rather be a pristine Ferrari in these rankings than a clapped out Yugo full of rust..

DUREYA - Gets the round started with 80 points. It's solid but not thrilling. So that would be a Toyoya Corolla then? 

DALE - Tries to emulate his fellow Bulldog Dureya but fails and lands in second last place on the scoreboard (61) with just two players left to tie up the boots. That's Mitsubishi Colt material right there and not the newer version either.

ELLIS - Turns up, puts an effort in, gets rewarded with 94 points. I'd prefer 100+ obviously but as wise man Shannon Noll once sang, 'You gotta lift.' Which he did. My points tally I mean. Dependable like a Lexus IS250.

GREENWOOD - A score of 79 isn't the worst but it's certainly not great. More Corrolla then?

DAWSON - 74 points. Automatic Mitsubishi Lancer range really. It works but you wish for more.

MCCLUGGAGE - Like Bitcoin on a good month, the Luggage Man's average just keeps on rising. Once again he proved why I'm paying him the big bucks (okay, no actual bucks but he's still part of the team so that counts for something) by coming 2nd in top scorers this time around to the tune of 128. 

ZORKO - 102 points is nothing to sniff at, neither is the strange but growing on me look of a Subaru Levorg.

NANKERVIS - One of the newest arrivals steals the show with a barn burning 129 points. In this round Nankervis tore up the field (in comparison to most of the others) like a dirt and tarmac tearing machine that is a Lancia Delta Intergrale..

EDWARDS - I use the word solid a lot and I will again now, 109 points is a solid effort as anything above 100 points from a single player is awesome. Edwards is awesome. Twin turbo Soarers are awesome too, well done Edwards.

LEVER - 106 is very handy and more players should start taking notes on what Lever is all about. Also handy is a turbo wagon that I'm rather fond of..

MARTIN - Uh oh, something obviously bad happened here. Not as bad as 'Hurn turned up to play for a few minutes before wandering right into the other team and their steamroller impression' a couple of weeks back but enough to score the lowest of the round with a measly 39. In other news my phone feels fit to tell me, apparently he's been linked to some model romantically? Is that the distraction here? Is love slowing him down? Whatever it is, it's not an impressive round at all for the high mileage Hyundai Excel. 
(He got injured. Get well soon Dusty!)

JIATH - Again the J Man turns up and puts in a respectable performance of 99 points. It's not earth shattering but if he continues to turn up and work hard like this, he will be forever known as the hardworking Hilux.

PENDLEBURY - Between him and Martin (well not counting this round obviously) Pendlebury has been one of the standouts since the very starting, hauling in more than his fair share of points needed to salvage what we could in various defeats (and there have been many..) He's a welcome addition to any team and while not up there with the super high scorers, he's definitely turbo material..

Okay, we stop the clock/report here because the unbelievable has just happened. At the time of writing, I only have one player left to go in round seven while my opponent has two.

Modok has now completely changed his tune and has me predicted to win by 87 points. The margin between us currently? 247 in my favour.

Could it be true?...

ALLIR - Having no much need to at this stage, Allir gives the team a very red hot reason why he was a solid pick with a stonking 123 points which blows out the margin by a phenomenal 275 points in the end. That's a monster victory desperately needed after weeks of close but no cigar moments - top job in crushing more than spirits there Allir the Monster Truck!

 

So that means...

WE FINALLY WON!

Men and women cheer, babies throw themselves up in the air, blogs update themselves like crazy with news of our first ever one on one victory in 6 rounds. It may well be the last one for a while but we'll take it!

UP NEXT: Not even an impending hangover are going to dampen our spirits shambling into round 7 (plus we're going to need to hire some cleaners to deal with what's floating in the spa..)