The Coach with the most! Ep 4: Here be pirates!

 I really shouldn't have called my dream team a ship because next thing you know..

JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY

Yes my use of ship terms last week has resulted in everyone involved believing it's theme time and that we've now adopted a pirate gimmick for the rest of the season.

Yarr! Shiver me timbers and yo ho ho capt'n!

Look at me dancing booty! Yarrr!!

If that wasn't bad enough, it seems my motley crew have made this public (damn you social media!) and put out invitations to any and every free agent that has even a whiff of some kind of nautical or pirate word in their name to come join us in merriment and pieces of eight, whatever that means. This includes

Nick Shiply GWS

Jake Waterman WCE

Seamus Mitchell HAW

Tyson Goldsack PORT

I'm sorry. Oh gods of the seven seas, boy am I sorry I said anything..

TERRRIFIC TUESDAY

Nothing happens today due to the football holiday that is Mower Mania 2021. It's a busy day for mowers and the team can look after itself for a day. Surely..

WEIRD IDEA WEDNESDAY

Thinking further on the whole pirate theme (it's difficult not to on account of everyone walking around the locker room with a stuffed bird on one shoulder) I'm not thinking the plank system could play a very important part. And no, I'm talking about the ab building super exercise either:

No I mean an honest to god pirate plank that if you don't ship up, you ship out on. If your last three game average puts you in the top three cellar dweller list, it's the plank for you. IE Back into the open trade waters you go, swapped out for someone with a far better average. 

(And yes Bachar, I mean you too. If your ankle isn't up to snuff again this weekend, that's three in a row and you're going to be traded. I'm sorry, but I need the bench space. If you play, you'll be exempt for elimination this weekend.)

Yep, it's scourge of the seven seas meets reality TV elimination style which means things aren't currently looking good for this current crop of the bottom three:

English (74.5)

Greenwood (64.5)

Burgoyne (56.5)

But perhaps the impending threat of this happening will inspire them to greater heights? Let's hope so!

THINK TANK THURSDAY

A few players have asked if they can wear eyepatches when then play this round to really hammer the 'we're enjoying this pirate theme' and as amusing as that may be, Occupational Health and Safety would have me walk my own plank if I agreed to it so regretfully I have to say no.

I have agreed to a little behind the scenes skullduggery though, I'd enjoy watching that.

Hey boss, did McInerney tell you his ankle isn't great currently? Whoops, I mean 'Yarrr captain, McInernery's leg is lacking some peg! Yarr!'

What? How did I miss this? He limped away from the Geelong match last week and scanning over the injury list this week (which no longer has Baschar's name on it I'm happy to see) it tells me that his expected recovery time is to be confirmed. Which means I can either sub in my only other ruck in the low scoring English or I ca-

Aww who am I kidding here? I need a bigger points gunner in that position so now we welcome:

TOM HICKEY (SYDNEY)

No I have never heard of them before.

That's Roadblock representing them, who I have also never heard of.

However averaging 100 points each round, he's a great free agent boost to that lagging part of my team. English won't be impressed but maybe if he focused on his own performance instead..

Righto, ships away let the matches begin!

COLLINGWOOD VS BRISBANE

A blistering start to the Easter long weekend points hunt as Pendlebury once again more than earns his pay check with 105. On the other side Zorko shows how things are done with a stunning 115 and McCluggage rolls through with 88 points which should keep him plank free this week.

FRIDAY FIGHT NIGHT

NORTH MELBOURNE VS WESTERN BULLDOGS

My only player in this one was English and he had a spell on the bench where he ordered a pizza, did his tax, chatted to fans and chalked up 85 points which is okay but won't be counted due to him being where he was. Will this raise his average enough to save him though? Standby!

ADELAIDE CROWS VS GOLD COAST SUNS

Incredibly Greenwood really took my threat of plankage seriously and came up with a rip snorting 135 points! If I knew these threats would have been this effective then I would have brought out the chopping block back in round 1!
Lynch racked up 69 on the bench. 

SATURDAY SLOBBERKNOCKER

RICHMOND VS SYDNEY

The race car ran out of fuel. the steam train ran out of puff, the marathon runner decided to watch Netflix instead. There are many ways to describe Richmond's performance in this game and they all amount to: Welp, the wheels fell off.

Okay, so Dusty, Lambert and Balta did okay but it was nowhere near their best with scores averaging 72-85. On the Sydney side Gulden didn't fire up as much as I'd like either, bringing in just 74 but hilariously my latest recruit in Hickey nailed 112. 

But then there was Prestia.

Can anyone tell me what the hell happened with Prestia???

In a truly woeful display, he coughs up just 13. Ouch. This may signal my chances of winning this round being cut back dramatically because up until my beloved Tigers took to the field, I was doing okay. Now we wait nervously on the rest of the team to hopefully lift enough to scrape through.

(Houli did not play. Sorry crew member, but I can't be waiting for you to get back to treasure digging strength anymore. It be the plank for you I'm afraid.)

ESSENDON VS ST KILDA

Membrey is the only one I have in thus game and he added just 70. It's doubtful he'll be getting any rum after that performance.

WEST COAST VS PORT ADELAIDE

Once again the one man wrecking machine known as West Coast Eagles own Hurn puts on an incredibly display and brings back a vital 108 points. He couldn't be further from the plank if he tried.

SUNDAY SLEEP IN

GWS VS MELBOURNE

In his first game for Team Migo last week, Lever did okay. This time inspired by Hurn and to really rub salt into the wounds of my Tiger players, he whipped out the cutlass and cut things down around him to the tune of 111, reminding me why I hired him in the first place. 

(I was going to make a Leverage joke here but maybe next round.

MONDAY EASTER Y'ALL

Okay, so situation update first. I'm 322 points ahead currently going into this last game. The trouble is, I have only one player left (Henderson) while Brandy still has 4 and at least two of them have a 100+ point average score.

The predictor has Brandy winning this round by the slimmest of margins. But can we cause the upset here? It all boils down to this one match...

GEELONG VS HAWTHORNE

Sigh..

Are we cancelling the 'first win fireworks boss?'

Yes manbeast, we are. Henderson tried at 71 but Brandy's team found some massive form and turned the tables, just.

So. Agonizingly. Close.

Nrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disco..

Yes boss?

Cancel tonight's dinner please and bring me the plank. It's time we jetsammed the flotsam in this team once again for EP 5...