The Coach with the most! Ep 5: This is how a heart breaks

So here I am saying I'd never get rid of any Richmond players in my team and two are currently dragging me down (one hasn't even brought a single point to the table yet!) and so with a heavy heart it's time for my first trio of low scorers to dive back into the ocean of free agentism.. 

Gah. I'm going to need a strong drink after this one. But after three losses in a row, extreme measures are now called for.

Gather round team, it's plank time.

(If you missed the ruling last round, if your 3 round average puts you in the bottom three list of scorers, out you go, to be replace by a player with a higher average. I'm thinking if we do this every 3 rounds until we get back into the winners circle we might have a top tier team. Possibly.)

TAKING THE LONG WALK AFTER ROUND THREE.

BASCHAR HOULI (3 round avg 0) - Injured for the first two rounds with a dodgy ankle and then we he came good, he wasn't even picked to play. Sadly when I need every point possible from everyone to even put up half a fight, I can't justify waiting for him to even be invited to make it on ground let alone play. Sorry Bachar.

SHAUN BURGOYNE (3 round avg 67.1) - His final year swan song will have to be with another team because not counting Baschar's lack of any score due to never playing, Shaun has the lowest average of all. Thanks for trying though Shauny, all the best.

DION PRESTIA (3 round avg 64.3) - Seriously, he shouldn't be here. But after the absolute shocker of last round, it's cost us all. His measly 13 points dragged his average right down and had he doubled it, I would have beaten Brandy and had my first versus victory. So in the press conference favorite 'He's let himself down, he's let the team down..' and now he's got some thinking time on the free agent list. Work on your Average Dion and I might have you back in round 6 or 9..

So the plank claims its first three victims. But before you comment in on how I am the most cutthroat coach known to man, please understand two things:

1. Business is business. And my business is to win.

2. I didn't drop them into an ocean literally, my plank ends up in a kids swimming pool full of drinks they can split and take him with them.

Unfortunately I made the mistake of letting Disco do the drinks shopping which means the pool is filled with a lot of stuff nobody drinks anymore, let alone remembers like Sub Zeros, West Coast Coolers, Bulldog energy drink and Iron Bru.

It's probably best if you don't ask where I found them boss. Just know that I got them all for a red hot price!

SO NOW WE WELCOME THE NEW BLOOD! (Well we will when the waiver claim on these players becomes active early tomorrow morning. It's highly doubtful anyone is going to try and fight me for them though.)

CHANGKUOTH JIATH (HAWTHORNE) DEF

There's no point in asking me if I've heard of these players anymore, by this stage with all the regulars snapped up there's more than a fair chance I haven't.

Represented by WCW Superstar: Vilano IV

Notes: Averaged over 100 points over the last few rounds and here's hoping there's plenty more in the tank where that came from. According to one of those 'what does my name mean?' websites, Jiath means Rather independent and passionate, you like the feeling of freedom and deny love fusion.

Yeah I have no idea what the hell that means either.

LACHIE FOGARTY (CARLTON) FWD

Represented by WCW Superstar: Billy Kidman

Notes: Probably can't pull off a shooting star press as well as Billy can but since he's averaging 110 points per round so far, I don't give a rats rear end what Lach dog can't do, as long as he continues going all out on the field. He can try stupid stunts with every chance to break his arm or worse during the off season.

Possibly enjoys Sushi, I haven't actually asked him.

(Trade didn't happen, see below)

DOM SHEED (WEST COAST) MID

Represented by WCW Superstar: The Maestro (wait, who??)

Notes: Averaging just under 100 points per round but if he's anything like Eagles team mate Hurn, then giddy up. Since he never gave me a list of things he enjoys when signing the contract I can only guess it's any or all of the following:

Game of Thrones
Cyberpunk
Swiss Cheese
Smarties
Norwegian tax reform

WAKE UP WEDNESDAY

And here I was thinking it would be a calm Wednesday without single thing to worry about and then BLAM, my team lawyer V.K Wallstreet gets on the phone. Which is strange because I didn't even think I had a lawyer and I certainly don't remember hiring Wallstreet for anything.

You can't have Lachie Fogarty. Tysonic Hedgehogs snapped him up and you'll have to pick again.

What? But no it turns out it has something to do with the waiver list or some rubbish and by the time my selection to trade Burgoyne came in, Fogarty was no longer on the menu. Which meant I had to go back to the free agent list, break out the darts and throw blindly until something came up again.

And we landed on..

JOSH BRUCE (WESTERN BULLDOGS) FWD

Represented by WCW wrestler: Jimmy Garvin

Notes: Josh (and the rest of the Western Bulldogs) ran absolute riot over the Kangaroos last round, grinding them well and truly into the mud by 128 points. As a consequence his points average went through the roof. I'm expecting it to settle obviously but another couple of Bulldog destruction exhibitions like that one would well and truly kick my points into orbit. Here's hoping!

Also if I'm going to continue to be your legal representative, I want my own office. There's only so many fart jokes and bad smells I can endure thanks to these two idiots you've lumped me with.

And I'd like a round where I actually win something! Until that happens, you can put up and shut up.

TALK A LOT THURSDAY

I've had my three coffees this morning so team, hit me with the problems. What do we need to deal with today?

People don't take me seriously when I tell them I identify as a bull.

I can't seem to dance to the terrible music of today.

My contract contains a clause where I receive a Latte every morning with regular milk. Today someone used Almond Milk and I feel violated. I am planning to sue for damages.

Ugh, I was talking about the team here? Any injuries? Blocked trades, incidents or rulings I'm not aware of today? No? Good, get out of my office.

This round I take on fellow station employee Crippaaa. And no, I have no idea where the name comes from. He's one from three, I'm due for a win and the computer reckons he'll take this one.

We'll see about that..

Rightio, on with the games!

SYDNEY VS ESSENDON

Gulden slows down just a little from his usual form and only brings in 68. Hey we all have bad days (here's hoping he doesn't have enough of them for plank time in two more rounds though.) Hilariously Hickey (aka Roadblock) lives right up to his WCW namesake and stomps in a very healthy 105 points.

He's even wearing the right colors this time!

FRIDAY FROWDOWN

RICHMOND VS PORT ADELAIDE

It's an interesting mixed bag from the Tigers in this one (who were narrowly defeated by Port) with Dusty only bringing in 88, the off the bench Cotchin proving he's back to play with 93 and Lambert surprising everyone by raking in 103. Balta only chugs along with 58. Got to take the good with the bad really.

SATURDAY SLAMBAKE

WESTERN BULLDOGS VS BRISBANE

Ugh, I have one from each team on the field and one from each team on the bench. No guesses necessary as too which pair score more as Zorko gets 70 and new arrival Bruce brings in 66. Riding the pine, English gets 138 and McCluggage 103 which obviously don't count. This round continues to cough up surprises and most of them not great..

GOLD COAST SUNS VS CARLTON

Having watched three players face the plank this week, Greenwood takes a long hard look at himself before donning the boots and ripping the game a complete new one! Seriously, I'm not sure what he had for breakfast but those 155 points are sorely needed this round and will help his average to no end.

Hugh is now my one man game destroying crew

COLLINGWOOD VS GWS

Pendlebury ropes in 87.

Thank you Pendlebury.

ST KILDA VS WEST COAST

Remember how excited I was a couple of games up when I mentioned Greenwood's army of one performance absolutely wrecking shop? Well welcome to the complete opposite in this game as new arrival Sheed only drags in 65 but even worse than that, one of my biggest stars of the game so far manages to fall flat on his face and has the most shocking performance of any place in the season so far.

Hurn: 6 points.

Here I was giving Prestia a hard time with just 13 points but this is just horrible. I don't know what happened, I don't want to know what happened, all I know is that it's over to Rob Thomas for a performance update for me this round with just two more games to go and me lagging behind in the points compared to Crippaaa..

SUNDAY SLUMP

Okay quick update before we get into the last few games. Crippaaa leads on 1253 and he's out of players, that's it, no more chances to score.

I'm on 974 (thanks Hurn) and have Lever and newcommer Jiath left to go. That's a combined 279 between them or at least 140 each for me to win.

That's a lot to ask two players averaging around 80 so far... 

We're going to need some motivational music here for them to fire up Beast Mode..

MELBOURNE VS GEELONG

Lever fires up to 104 while the rest of the team watches on cheering madly. It's a little short of what we need but you've got to appreciate that gutsty effort. 

FREEMANTLE VS GEELONG

Winning this round has now been deeply entrenched into the too hard basket so I instruct Jiath not to worry about it, go out and have a ripper game anyway. Which he does, hauling in an impressive 109 points on his first game for me. 

Just 66 points short..

The aftermath

My stars had a average round and those I didn't predict to do much proved me hilariously wrong (high five Greenwood!). The plan going forward? I think we're going to have to break out the spreadsheets and take a deep dive into who is actually doing the most work here and work around that.

Yeah it's Moneyball time.

Why not? Nothing else seems to have worked so far and I'd like to win at least one round before this year is all over..

In the next episode: We break down the breakdowns and work out who needs to be swapped out!